


Dreams of the Future

by griito



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Reader-Insert, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 66,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/griito/pseuds/griito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean x Reader x Marco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It hurt.

It hurt so much more than any physical injury you had received in your life thus far.

The tears felt like acid as they streamed down your face. Your body felt cold, as if all the heat in the world had evaporated along with hot blood around you.

You stood there, staring at the man you cared for more than any other. The man who gave you hope; who would smile at you and tell you it would all be okay. The man who told you it was okay to dream. The only good thing left in this pitiful world.

You couldn't feel the sun as it beat down on the streets around you, as if all the nerves in your skin had gone numb. Slowly your feet took a step forward as you crouched your body to get closer to his. You remembered all the times he bent down to meet your eyes in the same way. Would he pout and turn his face away from yours as you had done to him so many times before?

Of course there was no way he would.

"Hey, Marco... When you said it'd be okay, did you really believe it?" You asked, not even sure if your voice was audible. The ringing in your ears wouldn't have let you hear it anyways. "Was it something you said for the sake of others? Or did you truly believe it from the bottom of your heart? I can't tell anymore."

You reached your hand out and touched his cheek, rubbing your numb fingertips slowly across in hopes of being able to feel the soft skin beneath it.

"Hey! _! What're you doing? We finally get to go back for the day so hurry up! You wanna be back by dinner at least, don't you?" A faint voice could be just barely heard in the back of your mind but you weren't able to process the words.

"Hey, Marco... if I said 'I'm cold' like I before, would you still warm me up? Are you even able to now? I don't know if this cold I feel is yours or mine. I can't tell anymore."

Your body shook a little as you trailed your fingers across his body, tangling your weak fingers between his soft black hair like you had done so many times before. Even if you were completely numb it was a feeling you knew so well that it didn't matter. The shaking became a little more violent as you finally collapsed onto your knees, beside him as your tears had started to dry up.

"Hey, Marco...-"

"Oi! What the hell are you spacing out for? Listen when people talk to you!" The ringing stopped as your senses came back to you all at once. You looked up, realizing that the shaking had been a superior officer trying to get your attention as he screamed at you to hurry up. "Listen, kid. I don't know what this guy was to you but everyone has a lot of mourning to do. For now let's just get back, okay? We can't have anyone not accounted for."

He grabbed your arm and lifted you to your feet, patting your head with an ever so faint smile that stung with the knowledge of the truth of a cruel world. He waited for you to slowly nod your head in response before beginning to walk forward again. You stared at his back as he launched himself onto a rooftop where other soldiers seemed to be in conversation.

"Hey, Marco..." You took another look at his body, avoiding his face and the horrors it would bring. "What do I do from here on? I seriously just can't tell anymore."


	2. Chapter One

You watched silently as the fire raged before you, so hot that if you got any closer the flesh on your face would probably start to burn. You saw the people around you gazing into that fire with an intensity that burned almost as harsh. The tears that fell down their cheeks only reflected one emotion: regret. And oh how clearly it could be seen.

'Hey, Marco... Which category do I fall into? I wonder what kind of face I'm making right now.'

It was hard to remember what kind of person you had been before this. Before had lost him, or before you had met him, or before you had joined the military in the first place.

'Is the me right now different than I was back then? The me that you knew? Hey, Marco... I seriously can't tell anymore.'

"Hey, guys..." A voice, firm and resolute and yet shaking with a weakness called knowledge cut through your thoughts, bringing all the eyes around him to focus.

"Have you decided what you're joining?" A pause. Uncertainty?

"I have."

A fist held before him as it shook, grasped tightly in the firm grip of his other.

"I... I... I'm joining the Survey Corps!" An expression that stung painfully clear as eyes shut tight and attempts to stifle his cries became increasingly futile.

'Ah...' You knew him. You remembered Marco and he spent lots of time together during your training. Marco's voice rang clearly in your head as you remembered when he spoke so fondly of the man who stood in tears before you.

_"Jean... I admire him. People have a certain opinion of him because of the way he acts and the things he says, but I know he has a good heart. He's a man who can overcome just about anything I think. He doesn't realize his own potential, but maybe that's another charm of his? He may not be the strongest physically or mentally, but he's got what counts. I admire him for the person he is, and the person I know he will be one day."_

'You always did like to see the best in people, huh? But I guess that was another charm of yours then. Without that trait, I doubt you would've approached me either so I should be thankful. Or maybe angry. Hey, Marco... would this pain go away if I had never met you?'

The fire became weaker as the night became darker and people slowly began to leave the area. You sat down in the same spot you had stood for so long, watching as small sparks danced above the fire and pieces of ash floated to the ground. A small, solid fragment of what you could only guess was someone's bone landed at your feet. The smell had begun to fade now, or perhaps you had just grown accustomed to it. The light seemed as if wasn't as blinding as it had been earlier and the flames, so hot that they could've burned, were replaced with a gentle warmth that seemed to envelope its surroundings.

You reached your hand forward, stopping it only centimeters above the piece that sat before you.

"I can't tell which bones are yours anymore." You spoke under your breath and you nudged the fragment farther away from you. "Was there ever any hope in this world, Marco?"

"I don't think he'd be happy to hear you talk like that, you know." A voice spoke from behind you. Without turning around you recognized who it was as it voice had echoed so loudly just a short time prior. More than that, you recognized that tone he spoke with. It was as if he knew the horrors of this world and yet forced himself to act like he didn't. You couldn't help but wonder for what purpose?

"Talk like what, exactly?" You responded, turning your head ever so slightly to peak at him as he made small, light footsteps closer towards you.

"Like you lost your faith. Marco wasn't the kind of guy who would be happy if the people he cared about gave up so easily. If you're scared you can quit now, but don't sit there with that look of self-pity." His footsteps came to a stop as he came up beside you, eyes fixated on the fires that became dimmer as the minutes past. The small light that they still gave reflected off of his face and he somehow didn't seem as frightened as he had earlier.

"I'm not scared. I wasn't the one crying my eyes out earlier while trying to feign strength. Please do not try to lecture me." You knew you were probably being a little too harsh on him but his words tugged on your memories ever so slightly and it was enough to make the blood begin to rush to your head. His eyes turned towards you and he slowly let out a sigh that seemed to carry the weight of all the bodies in the fire before him. He hesitated for a moment before dropping down and taking a spot beside you on the floor.

"I'm not trying to feign strength. And I wasn't crying my eyes out, okay?" His reply seemed weak, as if he hadn't the energy to fight any more battles. As if he too, felt the despair that had taken root inside of you. But you knew there's no way he could understand how deep it was.

"Then what were you aiming for? It's not exactly inspiring at all when you see someone shake like that during your declaration. Doesn't seem like you had confidence in your decision at all, you know." Your eyes turned up towards the sky, searching for nothing in particular except for a place to rest your eyes upon.

"I wasn't trying to inspire anybody. As for my aim... I'm not sure. I guess I wanted to let the people I care about know what I felt- or something like that? I'd like to say I have the sort of confidence that idiot Eren would always spout, but that's not the case either. Marco used to tell me I'm not very strong. You're here for him too, aren't you?"

You didn't reply as you thought about the words he said. 'Marco used to tell me I'm not very strong.' What did he think of Marco? Was he happy that they had met; that they had become friends and that they had the opportunity to spend time together? Or was he as angry as you were? Did he feel the same emptiness as you did? Did Marco's words, his promises and assurances, hold any weight for him anymore?

"He would talk about you occasionally, you know?" Jean's words stopped your thoughts as you looked back at him, curious. Seemingly understanding you, he continued.

"We spent a lot of time together so I would notice little things, like the way he would scan every room we entered as if searching for something. Every time he found it he say, "Sorry, Jean, I'll catch up with you later!" before running off. It was a girl that he always made sure to greet. Why do you think that is?"

You looked at Jean as he spoke, latching desperately onto each word as if they were a part of Marco himself. You shook your head slightly, waiting for him to resume.

"I'm not sure either. I think it's the same reason why he would spend so much time with me, though. Other than Marco, I've never seen you with anyone. You don't have a lot of friends, do you?" His voice was soft and although his words were somewhat harsh, it was clear there were no ill intentions or malice in them. You brought your legs up to your chest and wrapped your arms around them.

"I- I have some friends." Your reply was feeble and you felt angry at yourself for sounding so weak. "I don't like being around a lot of people so I don't try to make any. Besides, if they're going to end up like Marco what's the point? I knew that even before I joined the military."

It was silent for a few moments so you lifted your eyes up to meet Jean's once again, only to be met with a look so filled with what you presumed was pity it made your blood begin to boil. But before you had a chance to say anything his eyes moved away from yours and he began to speak.

"It's an attitude like that that made him call out to you, I think. He's not the type of person that can leave people alone like that. He saw the good in everyone regardless of the people around us. He would say things like, "I think _ is more amazing than people realize" and "_ is strong even when she's by herself." That's why I said I don't think he'd like it if he heard you say things like that earlier." Jean's eyes once again met yours, except now they were gentle and seemed to reflect what almost looked like a small flicker of hope. The same hope that burned so bright within Marco's eyes. You stared at him for a few moments, taking in his words as they burned deeper within your heart with the memories they stirred.

'Hey, Marco... you're a really good judge of character, aren't you?'

"He would talk about you too, you know." Jean seemed taken aback for a moment at your sudden words but then relaxed quickly as his lips curved upwards ever so gently. "He said that he admired you. And that you had a good heart."

"A good heart, huh? He said the same thing about you a few times. I don't think there's anyone in our whole class who would've said that about either of us besides Marco, eh?" Jean let out a small breath of air which you interpreted as a small laugh as his eyes gazed towards the now completely dead flames.

"Hey, Jean..." Your voice was quieter now than it had been before as you rested your head upon the knees you held pressed up against your chest. Out of the corner of your eyes you saw Jean return his gaze towards you. "What do you think about Marco?"

He titled his head slightly in confusion at your question. "What do you mean?"

"I mean the things he said. He was always telling me that it was okay to have hope, and that it was okay to dream. He would tell me that I shouldn't restrict myself from dreaming because there was no way that I wouldn't live. That I should have faith in a future because I was alive, and that for as long as I lived I shouldn't ever let go of important things like hope." Tears began to blur your vision as they escaped down your cheek, faster and faster as your words continued as if they were the key to a lock. "Do you think he really meant any of that stuff? Was it really possible to believe that stuff in a world like this? I mean really believe, from the bottom of your heart and your whole soul. Do you think he believed like that? I don't know if the words he said were the truth or not anymore. I don't know if he even believed them anymore. Because it's impossible, right?"

"Hey, calm down for a second." Jean leaned in closer to you as you became more and more frantic.

"I mean, there's no way to believe in something like a future when we live in these walls. These walls are a symbol of the dreams we can't have. The dreams we are not allowed to have. There's no way to have faith when everything around you is a constant reminder of this world's bitter reality. Do you think he knew that? Do you think he just acted strong for the sake of people like me? I'm weak, Jean. No matter what Marco thought he saw I know I'm weak. That's why he thought it was necessary to say those things to me, right? That's why he thought it was necessary to talk to someone like me at all, right? Marco was a good person and so he couldn't leave someone as pitiful as me alone, right?" You paused as Jean's palms crashed onto your shoulders, halting the words that seemed to spill out of your mouth as if they were the vomit you felt as you recalled the state in which you saw that once beautiful body last. You paused.

"Jean, do you think... Marco died thinking about those kinds of things? Do you think he still had faith even in his last moments? If he did... if he truly meant all those words he said and if he was able to hold onto that faith until his breath stopped... that'd be nice, wouldn't it?"

It was quiet all around you as the night had enveloped your surroundings, leaving Jean and you alone in the open area only a few minutes away from the place all of you had been calling home. Jean's eyes burned into yours as the tears began to slow down and your breath returned to your lungs.

"I know he believed it. Marco might've been stronger than both of combined, huh? I didn't realize it though." Jean paused, lifting a hand off of your shoulder and bringing it to your cheek to wipe away the tears that stained your face. "Everything he said to you, he meant. You know it too, right? Those eyes of his didn't lie. I don't know how he died but I can guarantee that he still held on until the end. You can tell that much as well, can't you? Because even if he's gone, he's with us. As long as we remember him, he's still with us."

You had stopped crying now and could see Jean's face clearly again as it was only inches away from yours, his eyes shaking with the memories of the man you both held so dear.

"I know I said I wasn't trying to be strong earlier... but that might've been a lie. I want to be strong. I want to be the person that Marco kept telling me I could be. I want to become the man he saw somewhere within me, even if I have to build him from scratch. I want to join the Survey Corps... despite the fact that I'm scared. I don't want to lose anyone else like Marco, but if I join the Military Police and sit comfortable like I had planned I don't think I could be content anymore. I'd feel like I was letting Marco down somehow, I guess. Maybe that's not it. Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe it's this burning inside of me. I don't know, and that's why I can't be confident. But if I don't try I feel like it's the same as losing my faith. I never really thought too much of the stuff Marco said myself either, but I guess somewhere deep down some of it stuck. I don't know what I want or what my dreams are yet... but somehow I don't feel like letting the opportunity to be able to dream pass me by. Or something like that, I guess." Jean gave a faint smile and let out a small, self-mocking chuckle before pulling you closer into a hug.

Who was he trying to make feel better, you or himself? You couldn't tell but you could've sworn you felt something warm drop onto your shoulder as he placed his head beside yours, the warmth from his face radiating onto yours as you lifted your hands and wrapped them around his body in response. You stayed together like that for a few minutes before he pulled away ever so gently, a faint color arising in his cheeks.

"I-It's getting really late and we need to go to sleep so let's head back, okay?" He stood up almost too abruptly and offered his hand towards you in assistance. You grabbed it as you got onto your feet, patting away any dirt that might've stuck. You smiled ever so faintly at him as if to get across the 'thank you' you couldn't quite put into words yet.

"Hey... If you ever need someone to talk to, you can come to me okay?"

"Same for you, Jean."


	3. Chapter 1.2

"Knowing these discouraging facts, any still willing to risk their lives, remain here. Ask yourself... Are you willing to offer your beating heart for humanity?" The man on the stage who had introduced himself as Erwin Smith, commander of the Survey Corps, finished his speech with a small raise of his voice.

"That is all. Anyone who wishes to join another branch is dismissed."

The crowd was silent for a moment before heads began to turn and tiny murmurs started to spread. Feet started to move, step by step, carrying bodies farther and farther away from the stage where the man's voice had echoed. You looked around as more and more of the people around you turned to leave until your eyes landed on Jean, standing just a few meters away from you. His body shook ever so slightly and his face became pale as the space around him emptied faster and faster. His foot braced off to the side and for a moment, you honestly thought he would do a full 180 degree turn before rushing out of there with the rest of them.

But he didn't. He stood there, a look of self loathing so clearly plastered on his face. You watched for a few moments, almost forgetting the fact that you had a decision to make yourself as well.

If you wanted to leave, now was your last chance. If you didn't walk away now you would have to face them again. You'd lose people again. You'd end up like Marco, more likely than not. Somewhere inside of you, you knew you were scared.

But you didn't tremble. Your body didn't shake and your feet made no move to turn and leave.

Maybe you had stopped caring for your life after all that you'd experienced. Maybe you were just rushing towards your death on purpose. Maybe you were searching for a place to die.

Or maybe you were searching for a place to protect.

"Can you die if you're ordered to?" The man on the stage spoke again and you looked up from your feet, noticing how empty the area around you was again. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Jean as he straightened himself out once more, standing taller than he had before.

"I don't want to die!" A voice called out from somewhere amongst the soldiers left standing. You took a glance around once more and realized that the numbers, although nothing in comparison to others, were more than you expected. Had Jean been more inspiring to the others than you thought?

"I see." His lips curled upwards, "I like the looks on your faces. Then I welcome everyone here to the Survey Corps! This is a true salute! Offer up your hearts!"

You saluted along with the others, knowing that whatever the reason, this was the only path could take.

"This is the worst. The Survey Corps..." Jean's voice was so low you could barely hear him and yet it didn't tremble the way it had before.

"I'm scared! I want to go home..." A girl from your class, Sasha spoke. You looked around at the faces of the people in front of you.

If they're all so scared why didn't they leave? Was it Jean? Was it Eren? What could have been so inspiring that they stayed despite the fear routed inside of them from the events you knew they witnessed. For you had witnessed them as well.

'Is it them staying that's confusing? Or the fact that I didn't leave either?' You thought.

"You have done well to endure your fear. You are brave soldiers. You have my heartfelt respect."


	4. Chapter 1.3

You were settling down for the night as you finished your packing for tomorrow when there was a knock on your door. You placed the jacket you had just removed onto your bed and opened to the door to find none other than Jean standing there.

"Yo... Are you done packing?" He said, somewhat sheepishly. You nodded your head, opening the door farther to signal him in. You were half way back to your bed when you noticed Jean hadn't moved from his spot beyond the door frame, looking somewhat flustered as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"You can come in, you know? Why are you just standing there?" You turned towards him again as the color in his cheeks became a little darker.

"Ah... Yeah, right, sorry." He entered your room, his movements awkward as he shut the door behind him and made his way towards you. "Sorry, where you getting ready for bed?"

"Yeah, not that I'm much tried though so don't worry about it." You said, although in truth you hadn't been sleeping well for months now - and it had only gotten worse since Marco's death. You reached for your shoulder, about to unbuckle some of the straps around your body until you realized that it might make the boy in front of you feel uncomfortable. You stopped and took a seat on your bed, motioning to let him know it was okay to follow. "Was there something you needed to talk about?"

"Uhm... I guess. I had something I wanted to give you, actually." He pulled a book out from behind his back as he sat down beside you. "It belonged to Marco. He said it was his favorite from back home and so he always kept it on top of his bed side table. It felt wrong to leave it behind here while we left for the Survey Corps. I couldn't think of what else to do with it, honestly. Sorry, if that's weird..."

He placed the book on your lap and you felt something sting within you. Was he trying to make you feel better? Because it only hurt. You bit your lip as your throat clenched, silence engulfing the room.

"Ah, I guess it is weird? Sorry- I'm sorry. It's just... I honestly think he would be happy if you held onto it- or something like that. Sorry." Jean began to speak frantically at the tension that begun to form as you stared downwards at the book he placed before you. A tear slid down your cheek and onto the book, halting his movements completely. You hated yourself even more now for letting him see you like this. Why were you so weak? It made you feel like you were letting Marco down in some way. He had said you were strong but it was becoming more and more apparent how fragile you really were.

"Listen, I- I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry, okay? I'll take it back, so don't cry, okay?" He lifted the book from before your eyes in a panic. Your self-hatred and weakness only made you cry harder at this, though.

"Please, I'll do anything, okay? Tomorrow we'll be official members of the Survey Corps, so you need to rest. That's why don't cry, okay? Just get some sleep!" Jean stood up from your bed abruptly, probably at a loss for what to do.

"Sorry, Jean. It's nothing. I'm beginning to see why Marco thought you were such a good person, now." You finally spoke; your voice trembled slightly as you tried to wipe the tears from your eyes. Jean was still for a moment as he watched you before bending down on his knees to see your face, reaching a hand out to place on top of the hand you used to rub at your eyes almost viciously.

"I'm sorry. I thought it would make you happy if you had something of his. I can't be that great if I made you cry like this, can I?" His voice was soft and it reminded you of all the times Marco comforted you in the same way.

"I just... it's not fair. Why did it have to be Marco? He was in the top ten, right? So he should be alive. He had dreams to fulfill unlike most of the other people here. I know he'd be mad at me for saying it but I wish someone else had died in his place. It's not fair, Jean." You tears started again and you couldn't help but let your feelings overflow.

"...Yeah, I get it. You're not a bad person for thinking that way and he wouldn't be mad at you. He was too understanding of a person to blame you. You're only human, so it's okay." He gripped your hand tighter as he spoke, "Hey, can I ask you a question? Why did you decide to join the Survey Corps?"

"...I don't know. Before I had a chance to move my feet it was already over."

"Are you scared? Do you regret it?"

"...No. I think I'm probably scared, but I don't regret it."

"You can still change your mind, you know. If you talk to someone now you can get out of it and live a peaceful life in the Garrison or something. Or even outside of the military altogether. No one will be mad, you know? Marco wouldn't mind either." Jean's voice was firm as he tried to reassure you, wiping the tears from your cheeks the same way as he had just a few nights before.

"I don't want to. This is the only way. I get it, Jean. But you don't have to worry for my sake. I'll become stronger." Your tears had stopped now and you realized something burning within you. "You said the other day that you wanted to become the man that Marco saw in you, right? I think I want the same thing. I don't want to be weak anymore. No- that might just be an excuse. More than anything, I want revenge, really. I want to become strong enough so that I can kill the Titans that have taken away so much from me. Marco said I was strong right? So I think I want to try to be, at the very least."

'And here I was saying that he couldn't inspire anybody,' you thought, chuckling slightly to yourself. You hadn't realized where the feeling had come from but before you knew it you had a goal. 'Dreams of a future might still be impossible, but "I don't feel like letting the opportunity to be able to dream pass me by," right?'

"I appreciate the gift, Jean. Marco was a really good judge of character, wasn't he?" You smiled ever so slightly, grabbing the book from him once again and holding it to your chest.

Jean was silent for a few moments as his eyes stayed locked onto yours before finally relaxing his shoulders and smiling ever so gently.

"Yeah, he seriously was."


	5. Chapter Two

As the sun peaked into your window ever so slightly, you found yourself wide awake.

How many days had it been since you were able to shut your eyes? Lately every time you tried you would just end up tossing and turning the night away. Any brief moments of rest your body granted you were interrupted by nightmares that shook you awake within minutes. It was getting worse by the day and by now you could clearly feel the toll it had on every aching muscle in your body.

You got up to begin getting dressed, knowing you were early but also knowing that any further attempts in even a few minutes of a small slumber would just result in vain. You movements were sluggish as you had the time, but also you were doubtful you could push yourself to move faster even had you wanted to. You had gotten used to running on little to no sleep more often since joining the military but it had never been this bad before. Your taxing muscles burned with even the smallest movements and you were running solely on pure willpower. Your eyes were strained and yet they wouldn't stay closed.

What made the nights worse was the solitude that came with the darkness. As you tumbled back and forth in your sheets each night you were reminded of all the nights Marco had been your comfort. The nights he would sit beside you and hold your hand, speaking the words of reassurance you hadn't realized you needed so badly. He would be gone when you awoke in the morning but he'd leave behind traces of his presence, from the lingering warmth in your palms that tingled your fingertips at the memory or the little notes of papers showered with words of hope and consonance. You reread them during the nights, hoping they might carry some of the same power as his voice and yet they did nothing too ease your anxious mind.

Stepping out of your room, you quietly pulled the door shut behind you and dragged your feet towards the dining hall for a breakfast you weren't even sure was being served yet. You were lucky that there was no one else around this early for it would only take a glance at your movements to notice the difference from your usual self. You hoped, prayed almost, that getting some food inside you would provide you with at least enough energy to be able to fool the people around you so you could make it through another day of lectures, strategies, training- and worst of all, chores.

Slowly pushing open the door in front to the large room you slid your way in and took a glance around the room. It was empty, as it had been the day before and the day before that when you had gone through the same previous sequence of events. Relieved that you could continue your pace, you managed to grab yourself a cup of coffee to sip while you waited for meals to be served and sat at the closest table to rest your weary legs even the slightest. The bitter liquid warmed your body on the way down and you felt grateful, knowing it was enough to at least hold you for a short while.

You propped your elbows onto the table and buried your face into your arms, hoping that maybe closing your eyes for a while would lighten the weight you felt even if just slightly. You weren't sure if it was just that your perception was that far gone or not but it felt like hours upon hours before people finally started to pile into the big room, grabbing their meals as their voices boomed and felt like nails screeching on a chalkboard to your poor, over-sensitized ears. You lifted your head from the table and opened your eyes groggily, taking in your surroundings once again before raising yourself up to grab a meal and then sitting back down to eat.

Sitting back down in the same spot you had earlier, you noticed that there was now a girl sitting across the table. Her brown hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail as she shoveled the food on her tray into her mouth at an alarming speed. You had rarely spoken more than a few simple greetings to most of your classmates and she was no exception, and yet at this moment she was staring straight at you with a look in her eyes you didn't quite recognize. Trying to ignore her intent gaze you began to eat the food before you, overjoyed as you could practically feel the much needed energy pile into your stomach.

"H-hey... you're ___, right?" The girl spoke abruptly and you paused your meal to nod your head at her sudden question. "I was just wondering... if, maybe, I could have that?"

Ah. It was your food she was eyeing, you realized. You thought about it for a moment, following her finger to the half-stale bread that you had yet to touch. On one hand, even you had heard stories of the 104th trainees squad's Sasha Browse, who would do anything for even a small bite to eat; but on the other hand you knew you needed the bread more than she could probably even imagine.

'Which is the least troublesome? I'm hungry... but I don't want to deal with her whining if I say no...' You were thinking to yourself, weighing the options before you.

"Trying to steal someone's meal again, Sasha? Leave the poor girl alone." A voice cut in suddenly and you lifted your head to find Jean standing beside you, placing his tray down beside yours before suddenly pointing his finger towards the table behind Sasha. "Connie said he wasn't that hungry when we came in today so go take his instead."

The girl's eyes lit up as she nodded her head furiously before taking off in a sprint. Jean sighed loudly as he sat down beside you, shaking his head like a frustrated parent.

"Honestly, what a pain. What're you doing? Eat already." Jean's face flushed ever so slightly as you stared at him for a moment before you snapped back into reality.

"Ah, right." You mumbled before picking up the bread and beginning to munch down into it.

"Hey." Jean spoke again and you turned your attention to him once more; this time it was his turn to stare at you.

"What is it?" You swallowed the bite you had in your mouth before you spoke.

"No, nothing really. Are you feeling okay though? You sound a little croaky and you've got amazing bags under your eyes, you know. You're not getting sick, are you? Training a little too rough for you?" You had become more and more accustomed to Jean's way to speaking so you knew that even though he may have sounded sarcastic to others, he was genuinely concerned for your health. It was almost a little charming, in a way, how he could never get things across the right away.

"No, I'm fine. Just a little tired still, that's all. I'll feel better once I get some more food in me." You had never told anyone about your sleeping troubles besides Marco, who had forced it out of you with day after day of relentless questioning.

"Are you sure? If you're not feeling well you shouldn't push yourself. If you want to take the day off I'm sure-"

"I said I'm fine." You cut him off, not wanting him to press any further. Jean and you had grown a little closer lately but you still didn't feel comfortable relying on him fully. He was kind so you knew he'd want to help but it didn't seem right to force him to take care of you. In all honesty, you'd felt the same way with Marco at first but his persistence made you give in eventually. You tensed slightly at the memory, biting into the bread in your hand once again.

"Here." Another piece of bread was placed before you.

"What is it?" You looked at the bread and then trailed the arm that placed it there back to Jean's face once more.

"Bread, idiot." He turned his gaze away from you, resting his head into his palm in a rather childish way.

"No - I know that. Of course I know that. I'm asking why you're putting it on my plate."

"You said you'd get better with food. So you can have it." His face turned a light, yet incredibly endearing shade of pink as he turned his head a little further into his palm.

"Yeah. I did say that, huh? If you do stuff like this people will really start to think you're a nice guy, you know." You smiled despite yourself. It was because he did stuff like this that you found yourself hesitating. Even though you wanted to not to rely on him he made it seem so easy. Even though you wanted to keep a certain distance he was so inviting. Even though you wanted to not to smile so outwardly right now, his actions made it just so impossible.

"What're you talking about? I've always been a nice guy."

"Yeah, I know."


	6. Chapter 2.2

You had managed to make it to lunch. The lectures that lasted all morning seemed to last days instead of hours but you managed to make it through them and all the way to lunch. You thought about taking a nap over and over again, as so many of the others around you had, but you didn't want to risk completely passing out no matter how strongly your eyes begged for it.. Regardless of the circumstances – even if just one person noticed, it could cause problems. You ate your lunch quickly, knowing you'd need every last bit of energy you could get for the task that was about to present itself before you: endurance training.

You made your way towards the field outside where some members had already started warming up. Usually you would join them; stretching and even jogging in place, but today your muscles ached just at the thought of it. You grimaced at the thought of having to run for hours, only being able to stop when the demon heichou himself said it was time.

"You haven't started your warm up yet, ___?" Jean's voice spoke up behind you and you turned to face him, having to look up a fair deal towards his face.

"Yeah – I thought I'd skip it today. I just wanna get into the main event, you know?" You bluffed.

"My ass you do." A weak bluff apparently, since Jean managed to see through it immediately. "After sitting in lectures all morning you think you'd be okay just going into a run like that? And it's one of Levi Heichou's endurance runs at that. You need to warm up and you know it." His voice was firm as he stared down at you, as if checking for something.

"I'll be fine. My legs are already warmed up from jogging over here anyways."

"Liar. You dragged yourself over here as slowly as you've been dragging your body everywhere today. Hey, who exactly are you trying to fool here? It's already obvious there's something wrong with you. Go take the day off already." He took a step closer to you, bending his face down ever so slightly as he glared down at you.

"I said I'm fine already. How many times do I have to repeat myself? I knew you weren't the smartest but this just ridiculous. I'm fine, okay? F-i-n-e." You weren't about to back down, seeing through his hostile exterior as an obvious mask for his growing concern.

"Alright, line up already you damn brats." The loud voice belonged to the the man who just arrived, his presence was almost overwhelming despite his small stature. As one last glare was met with a growing look of anxiety, you lined up along with the rest of the frantic soldiers around you.

With a few soldiers in between you, Jean lined up as well. You could feel his eyes as he watched you. You knew you were acting like a kid, and you knew that he was concerned for you but you hated being so weak. Relying on others had never been something you did easily and it seemed it got even harder after losing Marco. Objectively speaking you knew you were being immature and an egoist. But sometimes it felt like your pride was the only thing you had left to hang on to in this world.

So you did. You held on to it for dear life and held it above all else. Above the genuine feelings of a kind-hearted man, and above the own feelings growing somewhere deep within you. Above the fear and weakness.

And so you ran. You ran as fast as your limbs would let you go, dashing off away from the gentle eyes that only offered aid.

'Hey Marco, where exactly did you see that "strength" in me? I'm nothing but a damn coward.'


	7. Chapter 2.3

You messed up. Badly.

If you didn't ache before, you sure as hell did now. You stood, curled over with your hands on your knees to help keep you balanced as you tried your hardest to fill your burning lungs with the air they so desperately needed.

"Here." A container of water was dropped in front of you. You lifted your head as much as you could to see Jean's broad shoulders in front of you. "We're gunna start up again soon, so drink it quickly. Seriously, if you're gunna end up panting like that you shouldn't have run off like that in the first place. Take it a bit slower, okay?"

You reached your hand down to grab the container but your limbs had a different plan. You collapsed onto your knees instead, still heaving as your fingers just barely managed to wrap themselves around the cork, desperate to get to the fluid inside. You couldn't have managed to thank him even if you had wanted to. Not that the thought even crossed your mind, with the way your head was pounding.

"Listen, I won't ask if you're okay or not anymore, but you know you're own limits. Seriously, even if you don't want it, just listen to me this time, okay? Otherwise you'll seriously end up not being able to move by the time we're done. Besides, we're working on endurance, not speed." Jean continued, his back still facing you.

'Ah. What's he going on about now?' You're vision was blurry as you lifted the container to your lips but somehow managing to miss completely. 'Ah... no more. I can't-'

Jean stopped as he heard a thud behind him, turning around to find you completely passed out on the grass behind him with water spilled down your uniform. His movements were frantic as he bent down beside you and placed a hand on your forehead.

"Hey, ___! What're you doing? Ah! You're burning up! Oi! You can't be serious. What're you think you're doing, passing out in a place like this? _!" His voice was almost desperate and you could just barely make out his words somewhere in the back of your head.

"Why run in the first place if you have such a high fever? Can't you think about things for once? You'll just make people worry more this way than if you just skipped out. Man, you're hopeless! ___!"

'Ah, that arrogant tone again.' You wanted to open your eyes to respond but his voice seemed to be getting farther away as you drifted deeper and deeper into the depths of sleep.


	8. Chapter Three

Your eyes fluttered open slowly and you blinked a few times, trying to adjust your eyes. A roof you didn't recognize.

You sat up, realizing you were in a bed that wasn't your own, but a sharp pain struck your head and forced you back down again. After a few minutes of somewhat laboured breaths you sat up again, looking around the room for clues as to your location.

'Ah, don't tell me I seriously ended up passing out?' You thought as you finally recognized the room as the small infirmary you had only just passed by on occasion.

"Ah, ___! You're awake?" A voice called out to you from the entrance of the room and you turned to see a taller woman walking towards you with a smile. You recognized her as another superior officer of the Survey Corps, Hanji Zoe. "You might not remember but you passed out during some endurance training earlier. Man, I always tell that damn Levi he's too hard on you all! Sorry about him, ___. It seems you've gotten a fever."

"I'm sorry for the inconvience." You bowed your head slightly, not knowing how to act around someone so easily excitable. It's not that you didn't like her or anything, but she was always so cheerful and loud that you just kept your distance. Your personalities just didn't match up, that's all.

"Oh c'mon, don't give me that formal stuff! I mean, we're already this close, right?" Her smile grew brighter as she stood beside the bed you laid on, dipping a cloth in the bucket of water you just noticed sitting on the table. She rung it out and then turned towards you, gently lowering you onto your back and placing the cloth onto your forehead. "I mean, I even took care of you all this time! I changed your clothes and washed away all the sweat, too! Aren't I nice?"

"Y-you undressed me?" You tried to sit up again but her hands on your shoulders kept you in place.

"And redressed you." Her smile was really starting to creep you out now.

"Ah, I got it. Thank you for taking care of me, it must have been hard. Again, I apologize for the inconvience." You replied, sighing to yourself and regaining your composure. There was no point in getting worked up over something you couldn't change.

"Ah, you went right back! Not fair! Well, it's okay I guess. Besides, I had plenty of help. That kid, what's his name again? Oh right, Jean! He carried you here for us. He seemed really worried, y'know?" Her eyes had a glint in them as if searching for your reaction.

"What about the run?" You weren't going to give her one, though.

"Ah, he went back afterwards. I'm sure he caught up just fine, if you were worried."

"Not particularly."

"..."

"..."

"Ah~! Well, that's okay. So, how are you feeling now? Pretty groggy, I'm guessing? Your fever was incredibly high, you know! Do you know how you got it?" She smiled again as she sat down on the bed beside you, although this time it didn't make you feel as uncomfortable as it had earlier.

"I have a killer headache." You resigned yourself a little, knowing that acting tough wouldn't help anyone at this point.

"I figured as much; I'll go grab you something for that in a minute. And the rest of your body?"

"Tired."

"Hmm. I guess that makes sense. Well, rest a bit more, okay? Everyone should be out for the day by now anyways so you don't have to worry about chores or anything. I'll make sure to tell that Levi of ours to be a little gentler from now on as well. Just take it easy for a bit and close your eyes. I'll send someone a little later with something to help with the pain and a bite to eat, okay? I bet your hungry by now."

You nodded and she got up, walking out of the room as she hummed loudly to herself. Yeah, she just wasn't someone you could keep up with.

You sighed again, trying turning over onto your side only to be halted abruptly by your screaming muscles. You muttered a curse under your breath as you realized that Jean was right when he said you wouldn't be able to move.

"Oh, what? You're already awake, _?" Your eyes shot towards the door at the sound the voice of the man you were just thinking of. Speak of the devil...

"Well I guess you did sleep for about eight hours already. How're you feeling?" He placed a hand on your cheek as he sat on the bed you laid on. "Ah, you're still pretty hot. How'd you manage to get such a bad fever in the first place?"

"I'll be fine after some rest."

"You're avoiding the question." Jean removed his hand and placed it on the other side of your head. "Seriously, what's with that "I'm fine", "I'm fine", anyways? You're obviously not. Who are you trying to impress with that attitude?"

"I'm not trying to impress anyone. I mean it. It's just a fever."

"It's not _just_ a fever. There's no way you'd get so sick under normal circumstances, right? I've never felt someone burning up like that before in my life." His eyes were sharp as he stared down at you. "Why can't you just be a little more honest? No one will mind if you depend on them a little. No one will think you're weak or anything, so just say something."

There it was – that overconfident attitude that shook something deep inside of you that you hadn't realized existed. Where'd it come from, anyways? Why was he so firm when he spoke like that, anyways? Where did he get the damn confidence?

"Fine. I get it. I didn't realize it would end up like this, okay? Otherwise I would have sat out from the start." Your reply was just above a mutter and it would obvious you were pouting.

"Hah? What's with that attitude towards the guy who carried you all the way here? Where the hell is my thank you, idiot?" He sat up straight as he reached for the cloth on your head, probably checking the temperature. Despite the things he was saying he was still trying to look out for you in his own way.

"I didn't ask you too."

"Seriously? Don't give me that shit."

"... Sorry. I must've been heavy, huh?" You turned your face towards the wall but you could hear the smile in Jean's voice when he spoke.

"No, not at all. You're welcome. Why not rely on me a little more from now on? For starters, you can tell me how you managed to destroy your health this badly."

"Maybe I ate something bad?" Marco would probably have hit you for being this evasive.

"That's obviously not the case. Say, am I really that untrustworthy? I thought I was starting to get a little stronger now a days." You turned your head to look at him once again as his words seemed to have a hint of loneliness laced within them.

"You are. You beat me the other day, didn't you? In the race we did for training. Even I was impressed." You didn't know when you started to notice so many things about Jean. It seemed to happen almost naturally, and without you realizing it you had become closer to him than you had ever imagined you would be.

"You're easy enough to beat. I beat that damn Yeager today, though. He looked ready to bite my whole head off." Jean let out a small laugh as he boasted, obviously happy with himself.

"Yeah, I can imagine that. You must've worked hard." You smiled to yourself as you imagined it.

"N-not particularly." A faint color reached Jean's cheeks as his hands began to fidget as if looking for something to do. "Besides that, are you hungry at all? They're still serving dinner so I can grab you something if you like."

"I'm okay. I think Squad Leader Hanji said something about bringing me some food anyways."

"Ah, her! She's a little weird, don't you think? She kept giving me this weird look when I was carrying you in here." Jean was speaking normally and you started to realize that it had had become a natural occurrence for you and him to just talk like this.

"She's eccentric, that's for sure." You smiled in response. Even though before you had always kept to yourself before, now you somehow found yourself speaking about nothing in particular and even laughing with Jean.

"Well, she's good at her job. I'll give her that. Apparently she's pretty good with the whole medical stuff from what I hear. What'd she say about your fever, anyways?" You could tell that Jean was still worried.

"Oh, right. She said that I just need some more rest and that she'd bring me some medicine to help with the pain."

"Pain? Are you hurt somewhere?" Jean leaned in a bit closer to you as if he wanted to check for himself.

"No, just a headache and some sore muscles. You were right when you said I wouldn't be able to move, huh? I guess I overexerted myself a little." You smiled in an attempt to reassure him.

"Is that all?" He asked, skeptical. You nodded in response and he sat up straight again.

"Then, you'll be okay?" You nodded. He paused for a moment, staring at you before speaking again.

"Hey, it's seriously okay if you rely on me some more, you know? In fact it'd be better if you did. So come to me next time, okay? Even if you are 'fine'. I think I'm at least strong enough for that, you know? I don't really mind carrying you every once and a while." It was times like this when it was hard not to believe his words. Everything he said sounded so strong and firm that it was impossible he could be lying.

"Yeah, I got it." You couldn't help but smile.

"Besides, it's more of a bother if you just pass out like that."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll be relying on you every once and a while, then. You don't have to carry me, though, so don't worry." You repeated his words back to him knowing the exact reaction it would bring – that wonderful light color in his cheeks that illuminated him so well. When did you start wanting to see that?

"I-Idiot. I didn't necessarily mean literally carry you, okay? Just that I can shoulder some of your burdens as well – or something like that. Damn, you're annoying even when you're sick, aren't you?" Even though you tried to hold it in a small gasp of laughter escaped your lips as they parted into a smile. Quickly and awkwardly – an awkwardness that you had realized came and went with Jean's personality – he rose from the bed, facing away from you.

"From what I hear you're supposed to comfort the sick, not insult them. Your attitude is the worst, you know." You teased him back lightheartedly.

"Yeah, yeah, we all get it. But at least I'm honest. Seriously, how can someone your age be so childishly evasive? You should just say you're happy when you're happy – or say you're not when you're not. I'll listen, okay? So talk about the things you want to. Say anything you want to say." Jean turned his head to look at you as he spoke; his eyes locking on to yours spoke volumes about the weight of his words. You had seen that look before and recognized the pure sincerity that resonated within it and you felt a small pounding somewhere deep within you.

"Hey, I told you I'd get stronger, right? I promise that I will. I'm not an unrealistic psychopath so I won't say something like 'I want to be strong enough to kill every single titan' or something that damn Yeager would say. But I promise that I'll be strong enough so that I can protect the things dear to me. I'll at least be able to do that much, right?" He paused and turned his eyes away from you, gazing aimlessly up at the ceiling.

"Yeah, you can. You're stronger already, Jean. I think I might understand what it was that Marco saw in you, honestly." The last of your words escaped your mouth without you even realizing it. You didn't know when these feelings had come to you but you knew that you felt something stir inside of you at the sight of Jean before you. Friendship. Respect. Admiration. Envy. Companionship. Appreciation. Love. Were any of those the words to describe it? Maybe they all were. You didn't know anymore.

"Then let me make another promise to you. I promise to listen. Everything and anything you want to say – come to me. I'll listen, I swear. " His eyes met your again and you found yourself wanting to let yourself believe his words – that the man before you truly cared for you and worried for your sake. That he could become someone with whom you could share your burdens. You wanted to let yourself believe more than you had even realized you had at first. It was as if he was prying off one finger at a time from that death grip you used to hold onto your pride with. How? Who gave him the right to in the first place? It scared you and yet there was something so comforting about his eyes. As if instead of letting you fall once all your fingers all lost hold, he'd be there to pull you up into something completely different. That once he'd finished prying your fingers away he wouldn't let go and finish there; his own fingers would intertwine with yours and you'd have something new to hold on to. Where did that damn confidence come from? You're blood was rushing to your head again and you could hear an annoying ringing in your ears to match the throbbing of your temples. Anger? Fear? Hope? You didn't know anymore.

"I'll become strong enough so that not even you will be able to doubt me." His voice was firm as his back faced you once more. He took a step towards the door, his feed moving quickly but quietly before pausing after only a small distance. "So when that time comes, I'll carry you. Burdens and body and all."

"I'm heavy." Your body felt like a weight under all of your worries.

"You're light. Much lighter than you think."


	9. Chapter 3.2

You woke up the next morning as the sun just barely shined through the window. It took you a few seconds to realize that you were still in the infirmary, having spent the night there. Soon after Jean had left someone came by to dropped off a meal and medicine for you which allowed you to sleep easier than normal.

'When was the last time I slept like that?' You wondered. Perhaps it was thanks to the medicine or perhaps it was that you had finally worn yourself out but you had managed to sleep more peacefully than you had in a long time. No tossing and turning, no waking up throughout the night every five minutes and none of the nightmares that plagued your tired mind. You smiled to yourself slightly before getting yourself out of bed and ready for the day.

You were still earlier than most of the other people in the building but there was a few soldiers eating breakfast already when you arrived. You felt refreshed as you grabbed yourself a meal and sat down at a random table.

'Ah, my eyes aren't burning and there's no ringing in my ears. I can't remember the last time I felt this good.' You smiled as you lifted a spoon to your mouth and begun your meal happily.

"What the hell are you looking so damn pleased about?" Harsh words mixed with a gentle tone reached your ears as a larger body propped itself down beside you.

"How do you manage that, Jean?" You inquired.

"Manage what?" He questioned right back at you.

"To look so damn annoyed and yet relieved at the same time. You were really worried about me, huh?" You smiled ever so slightly as Jean's eyes widened slightly.

"Huh? Where'd you get that from? I think you're still sick, idiot." A wonderful shade of pink reached his cheeks as once again put his head into his palm. A small quirk of his, you began to notice.

"No I'm seriously fine now. I haven't felt this good in ages." You smiled openly, somewhat unlike yourself – but you couldn't help it with the way you felt right now. Jean's eyes glanced at you for a second before turning away again. "By the way Jean, you're early today aren't you?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah I guess. I happened to wake up a little earlier so I thought I'd get breakfast while it was still quiet." Jean's hand reached towards your forehead casually as if it was a natural thing to do. "Oh you weren't lying this time – it really does feel like a normal temperature now."

You pushed his hand away gently, "What's that mean? Of course I wasn't lying."

"Who knows with someone like you. I had to make sure for myself otherwise I wouldn't believe it." His voice had that same condescending tone as usual as turned back towards his meal. "By the way, you're usually here pretty early right? I always see you whenever I get here. Are you one of those people who think mornings are the best or something?"

"What the hell is that? You make it sound like some creepy hobby. I'm not a morning person, if that's what you mean. I actually hate them." Shit. You froze for a second as you realized what you just said.

"Lately I've been getting up early though. Since we came here I figured I'd be a little more proper, you know? I figured it'd be better to be more prepared or something like that, instead." You quickly tried to regain your composure.

Had it worked? Were you able to successfully convince him? Did it sound like an excuse?

"That sounds like an excuse, you know." Jean's face was forward but his eyes were burning into you.

Damn it. Shit. What the hell? How dumb can I get? You were shocked at yourself for making such a small slip up. Why would you say something that so obviously contradicts your behaviour? Of course it would raise a flag. Had you really grown so comfortable with Jean that you didn't even think about the things you said anymore? Your mind was racing as you mentally punched yourself in the face repeatedly. Usually you would have lied and said you liked mornings so that you wouldn't arose any suspicions. How could you make such a simple mistake? Why did the truth just slip out like that?

"Oi, what the hell is that face? You look like you wanna run away all of a sudden." Jean's voice was strict as his entire body faced you now.

"I don't know what you mean. Why would I run away? It's not like you're scary or anything. I could always take you in a fight." You tried to distract him.

"Are you kidding? I'd destroy you day or night. There's no way someone who passes out after a run could beat me with anything." You were thankful that Jean had as big of an ego as you did.

"Hey, Jean! _!" A voice cut in and you both turned to see Hanji walking towards you, grinning and waving. You'd never been so thankful to another person before. She approached the table stood before you both.

"I see you were able to find her, Jean. I have to say even I was surprised when I went in to check on you this morning and you weren't there, _!" She placed a hand on your forehead just as Jean had done earlier. "You feel much better now and it looks like you had a good rest so you should be okay. Still, don't push yourself too much okay? Although I think you're strong so you'll probably be okay. But still, you shouldn't just leave like that, you know! I was so worried, and then when Jean came in to check on you I—"

"You came to check on me, Jean?" You turned your head towards the burning red-faced boy beside you as he suddenly found the other side of the bench you two sat at very interesting.

"Ah, he didn't tell you? Was it a secret? Sorry, Jean!"She apologized, looking worried and sincere but Jean didn't give any sort of acknowledgement that he'd even heard it.

"Ah, but it's not a bad thing right? It's a good thing to care about others. So it's okay! Anyways, _, be careful for a few days and if you need to get away for our Levi you can always come find me, okay? I'll be glad you shelter you. See you both around!" Hanji smiled brightly as she turned back towards the way she came, waving again as she left you and Jean alone again.

You stared at him again; only able to see the back of his head as he hid his face in his hands and faced the opposite direction from you. It was silent as you waited for a response from him that didn't seem to be coming any time soon.

"Jean?" You spoke again, not entirely sure what answer you were looking for.

"I-It's not like that, okay? I happened to be up and so I thought I'd check on you since I had the time. Don't get all cocky and think I woke up especially to see you, or something." Never in your life had you found something as cute as you did in the moment you saw the color from Jean's cheeks overflowed into his ears, turning them a beautiful light pink. His habit of burying his face into his palm reminded you of a small animal and suddenly you couldn't help but smile to yourself at the thought. You didn't realize at the moment how warm you felt inside but later it would surely make your heart pound at the memory. When you didn't say anything for a few moments Jean's eyes, slowly and nervously, peaked back at you.

But his eyes caught a glimpse of that small smile you were trying so hard to hold back – and that tiny, ever so faint pink that seemed to bring your whole face to life – locking his eyes into place.

"Hey, Jean..." Your voice snapped him back into reality and he quickly averted his gaze, focusing instead on the plate in front of him.

"What is it?" He asked, lifting the glass of water towards his lips as an attempted distraction.

"...Nothing important. Here." As he lifted his head back to take a big sip of the clear liquid you placed something on in front of him. Putting down his glass back on the table he looked again at his tray.

"...And what's this?" He asked.

"Bread, idiot." You mocked his words from the day before but the gentle tone that came from your mouth wasn't the least bit condescending.

"An idiot shouldn't call someone else an idiot. I meant what's the purpose of this? I'm not sick or anything." The awkwardness had passed and he was now back to his usual self as he stared back at you, waiting for an explanation. You let out a small, stifled laugh that surprised even yourself. Somehow every conversation with him managed to relax you and you were taken aback by how comfortable you felt in these situations, regardless of any previous worries or discomforts that may have clouded your mind.

"I figured you'd need it if you want to beat me like you said earlier. We have sparring practice today, don't we?" You stated quite simply.

"Like this will make a difference. I don't need something like this to beat you anyways." Jean said, but still took a bite of the bread anyways. You smiled at no one in particular as you began to finish off the last of your now almost cold meal before you.

"When I win I'll repay the favor and carry you to the infirmary." You downed the last of the liquid on the table in front of you before lifting yourself onto your feet, holding an open palm out to Jean. He looked at it for a moment before gripping it with his own, letting you pull him to his feet.

"Careful. Someone might misinterpret that as some backwards form of your thanks."

"What're you talking about? That's the damn point so you should appreciate it."

"Yeah, I do."


	10. Chapter Four

A small knock lightly resounded through the room, so quiet that you had almost thought you had misheard. You paused at your position at the small desk in the corner of your room listening for any signs of life on the other side of the thin wooden door that separated your small room from the long corridors. It was quiet for moment until you heard it again – that same tiny, easily mistakable knock. You turned off the small desk lamp off before rising from your chair and making your way towards the door, flicking on the main light on the way.

"Jean?" You opened the door to see the taller man standing there, his eyes widening for a moment when you appeared before him as if he hadn't expected you in the slightest.

"Oh, hey, ____. Were you sleeping?" He asked quietly. You realized he hadn't wanted to wake you.

"Oh. That explains that pathetic excuse for a knock. Don't worry, I wasn't sleeping. Come in." You pushed the door open fully as you turned around, trying to stop the tiny smile that had crept into your features at the realization.

"Oi, that's rude. I was being considerate." Jean's voice was a regular volume now as he shut the door behind him. You grabbed the chair you had just been sitting on, placing it beside the bed and taking a seat, motioning Jean towards the bed. He took a seat, albeit awkwardly, and you realized once again that he wasn't really the most socially inept person in the world either. But that was okay too.

"So what's up?" You asked somewhat impatiently. It was obvious he was nervous being in a girl's dorm at near midnight but his habit of just sitting there averting his eyes got on your nerves sometimes.

"Ah, right. Nothing really important so stop giving me that dumb look." It was easy enough to push his buttons a little though, so it didn't take long for him to start speaking in his usual brash tone. "Just checking in I guess. I wasn't tired at all so I thought I'd kill some time. Do you mind?"

"No that's fine, I was up reading anyways. Are you having trouble sleeping?" You asked, pulling the reading glasses you had forgotten you were wearing off your face. Although you kept a small desk light on beside you, reading the in the dark still strained your eyes enough that you were cautious. You rubbed your eyes lightly and folded the glasses up, throwing them lightly on the bed.

"Nah it's nothing like that. Beating you was so easy during practice today that I didn't burn as much energy as usual I guess." Jean reached over to the glasses that landed beside your pillow, unfolding them and inspecting them from different angles. "Reading glasses?"

"Oh I see. You just came here to brag some more didn't you?" You ignored his question and leaned forward in your chair with a small glare. Jean lifted his eyes to meet yours, a small smirk played across his thin lips.

"Don't try to put me on your level. I'm not an idiot so I wouldn't be so happy over something that small." He put the glasses he held in his hand on his face, taking a quick glance around the room with that same damn grin plastered all over his face. You glared at him as his eyes finally stopped and met yours, his lips pulling upwards farther to reveal a small portion of his straight white teeth. He placed his finger between your furrowed brows and nudged. "You're gunna give yourself wrinkles, you know."

"It's obvious you're happy with that shitty grin on your face. Just because you put on glasses doesn't change the fact that by your own definition you're an idiot." You swatted his hand away from your face and pulled back, sitting up straight once again. Although, if you were being honest with yourself, they did actually suit him more than you would have guessed.

"You didn't answer my question so I had to check for myself." He pushed the glasses up as if he was accustomed to wearing them as he stood up and walked towards the desk. "What were you reading?"

You let him reach the desk without an answer, his eyes landing on a book laid spread open on the desk – you didn't have a bookmark so you just left it open to keep your page. It was the book he had given you before your arrival here. The book that had belonged to the only real mutual factor you had between you both.

Suddenly a realization hit you as you faintly heard Jean's murmured breath. Without Marco, would you have ever met Jean? You weren't sure exactly if Jean considered you both friends or not but besides Marco, Jean was the only person who you made regular conversation with within your own classmates and comrades.

Even when Marco wasn't with you anymore it seemed like he was trying to help you.

And it stung. It felt like you had ingested a rose bush and the thorns were imbedding themselves into your skin from the inside. They must have gotten really stuck on the way down or something because somehow it felt incredibly strenuous to swallow. It was probably due to the fact that you had been reading his book and thinking about him beforehand but suddenly it felt like the still-healing wounds had never began to heal at all.

_"Hey, I swear to you, okay? I promise you – so believe me. You'll never be alone. No matter what happens – you will never be alone."_

"Do you think we would have met if it wasn't for Marco?" Jean's voice filled the otherwise quiet room once more and you snapped your head up, trying to shake away the memories along with the sudden stinging you felt behind your eyes. Jean's back was facing you as he placed a hand on top of the book, tracing the writing as if they were something more than just flat words on a paper.

"I mean we never talked before, right? Even though I knew who you were I don't think we ever said anything more than a simple passing greeting or something whenever Marco would switch out between us. Isn't that weird to think about?" Jean's voice was soft and much quieter than he had been earlier. Was he also in the same pain? Did the memories haunt him like they did you?

There's no way something like that could be true.

"Hm." You gave a small hum of acknowledgement. In honesty though, it was probably all you would've been able to manage with the way your throat seemed to have clenched up.

"I bet he wouldn't have guessed we'd be friends now." Jean mumbled as his hand left the words in the book and reached for the glasses still placed on his face. He slid them off gracefully and set them on the desk top before continuing, "Or maybe he could've? I hate to admit it but I guess you and I have some stuff in common personality wise. Maybe he saw that?"

It seemed like he was hardly talking to you anymore and rather just muttering his thoughts out loud. You took a deep breath, rubbing your fingers along your throat as if the problem was a physical one instead of emotional. You closed your eyes as you let the breath escape your lips, successfully ridding yourself of that damn annoying stinging. You were going to be stronger, remember? When you're strong you don't cry.

Especially not in front of others.

"Hey, _. It's okay if you hit me for asking but are you okay?" Jean's voice regained its volume once more as he turned now to face you. Had he seen you? Had you made him have to worry yet again?

"What are you talking about? I'm fine." You're reply was quieter than you would have liked but it was good enough. It sounded firm, right? You didn't stutter, right?

"Yeah I know that. Shut up with that already. I meant with everything – like Marco's death. You sure you're not up crying yourself to sleep at night or something like that?" Jean's words stung more than you would've liked in your state. Normally they'd just be another batch of his usual backwards tone lacing his genuine concern but right now they felt like lead traveling through you.

It was too damn heavy.

Did he think you were that pathetic? Did you come across as that weak?

"Shut up – like hell I would do something like that. I don't need your pity, Jean." You were lashing out – you knew you were. Your words were harsh and your tone even worse than it had been on that first night.

"Who said anything about pity? It's called being worried dumbass. It's what friends do." Jean made his way towards you as you glared up at him.

"I don't need it. It's annoying." It felt like time came to a stop as you and Jean shot daggers with your eyes at each other, neither of you saying a thing. Suddenly, though, Jean's eyes closed and he let out a sigh as loud as he had when he first approached you.

"You know, you're personality is really bad. I take back what I said about us having stuff in common personality wise – you're a damn nightmare. Where does that attitude come from, anyways? Were you always like this? Even with Marco? How the hell did a nice guy like that put up with it I wonder?" Jean's tone was light and he probably wasn't trying to attack you in a malicious way – you knew that, you really did – but the blood had already started to boil within you and headed straight for your big, stupid head.

"Shut the hell up, Jean. You don't know a damn thing about Marco's and my relationship so don't act like you do or I'll rip your fucking shitty tongue right out." You finally stood up from the seat you had taken when he first arrived, stepping closer to the tall boy as your body became more and more tense.

"Hah? You couldn't even beat me in practice today and you're threatening me? That's some confidence you got there. Care to prove it then?" Jean reacted to your threats in the exact way he always did, half way between serious and joking. He placed his hands on his hips and leaned his face forward – still looking down on you – as if to mock your height.

If it was another normal day, his words wouldn't have held so much weight. You would've been able to see through his aggressive exterior to the true meaning behind his backwards speech just like usual. Why did it hurt so much all of a sudden? It felt like he was somehow looking down on you and that made it so much worse. On top of the still-fresh wounds of Marco's death were new worries you hadn't noticed begin to pile up. Or maybe you had noticed but just pushed the realization away so you could safely run away again? Your head seemed to be becoming more of a mess lately and the confusion just added to your ever-growing list of worries. All you knew for sure right now was how hot your blood felt in every inch of your body.

"I swear to fuck Jean I'm going to put you in the damn infirmary." You grabbed his collar and yanked him down further so that your faces were only inches apart and the glaring match began anew – this time at a proximity that would've normally been out of the question for you both. It went on for minutes upon minutes as you waited for his smart-ass reply so you could give him the well-deserved punch in the face he was asking for.

But it never came. Time seemed to drag on until finally Jean let out another sigh the same as he had done just minutes prior – this time you could feel the warm breath trickle along your already burning skin. His shoulders relaxed as he closed his eyes for a moment before reopening them to meet yours with a gaze you couldn't quite read. Your eyes shifted away while you followed his right hand as he lifted it and placed it on top of the fist you had his collar bunched up in, although he didn't make an attempt to remove it.

And then suddenly, catching you off-guard, something hit your forehead.

You turned your gaze once more to find Jean's face a mere few centimeters away from yours now as his forehead rested against yours and his eyes closed calmly.

"Will you carry me there when you're done like you said you would?" His words were quiet again as his voice became more of a relaxing whisper. "Although truth be told you're the one who's burning up again. Careful, or you'll get yourself sick working too hard."

"I'm not sick." You're reply was just as low as your head raced for a different reason that it had been a few minutes prior.

"Sorry. Did I make you mad? I didn't mean to. I tend to just say whatever comes to the top of my head without really thinking about it too much. It's like a bad habit. Sometimes I say stupid things but I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Jean's words were wrapped with sincerity so strong that you could've sworn you felt it as his breath hit your skin with each word.

"You don't understand anything. You can't say things like that." That irritating stinging returned to the back of your eyes and you were quick to crash your eyelids closed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. There's no way Marco thought anything like that. You said I don't know anything about your relationship but the way he talked about you was enough to know. I shouldn't have said anything like that. I was wrong." You felt Jean's other hand find it's place on the top of your head as you loosened your fingers from his collar, letting the hand he had placed on top of them to take the place of the now severely wrinkled shirt.

"... And you?" You're voice was still low and your eyes stayed shut out of the fear that you would cry again any second now. "Do you think less of me? I know I have a bad personality so it would make sense. Do you think I'm weak?"

"Like hell I would. I said it earlier but I'll say it again. I'm your friend so I worry about you but that doesn't mean I pity you or anything. That doesn't mean I think you're weak. You might have a bad personality but I'm in the same boat, right? After all, I made you cry again."

"I'm not crying." You snapped your eyes open as if to disprove his words and you were met with Jean's warm eyes looking gently back at you.

"Yeah, you're right." He smiled at you, finally pulling his forehead off of yours and placing a natural distance between your faces'.

"I won't cry anymore. I'm going to become strong so I can't cry anymore. I don't want to." You hoped that your words came across with weight despite the fact that your eyes so obviously trembled.

"Crying doesn't make you weak, you know. Besides, isn't that what shoulders are for? To let people cry on – o-or something like that... I'll let you. If you can't hold it in you can cry on my shoulder whenever you need to. I won't say you're weak because of it." Jean's hand squeezed yours ever so lightly as if to provide some sort of reassurance.

"You make it sound like it's bound to happen or something even though I said I didn't want to." You pushed away the hand that still rested on your head so that you could turn your face.

"Of course it is. Everyone needs an outlet every once and a while, right? Because we're human. Everyone has their own weight to carry. Sometimes it can wear you out and you need help carrying it. That isn't a bad thing, you know. I said I'd help you carry it, didn't I? So this much is fine." Jean took a step to stand in front of your face again in a childish way of getting you to feel the credence of his words. As if the warmth his palm provided wasn't enough to get your full attention.

You let out a small sigh before smiling ever so slightly to yourself, meeting his eyes once again. How hopeless could you get? No matter how you felt in the minutes prior, Jean had a way with words that made you give in. The worst part about it was that you were so used to it by now that it felt like a natural response. You weren't even mad at yourself for believing in him this time. At least, not for the moment. You found yourself wishing for it to last, even.

"You don't give up, huh? But I guess that's a good trait of yours. Hey, Jean, we're friends right?" You waited for his nod before continuing, "Then it's a two-way street. I'll let you carry some of my weight but in return I'll carry yours too, okay?"

"Of course you will, idiot. That's how it works. I'll be relying on you when I need it so you better do the same, got it?" Jean's hand finally loosened its grasp on yours as he let go and took a seat on the chair you had placed beside the bed. There wasn't a breeze and yet suddenly your hand felt cold compared to the rest of your body, as if Jean had been the one providing body heat for it instead. "You can start by taking a seat right there and telling me what's up with you already. I know you say you're fine but it's obvious that's not the case so just spill now."

Jean's forceful gaze reminded you of when Marco had made you to talk in a similar manner. Did Jean pick up on his tricks somehow? He must have, considering the way he had been able to dictate your emotions so easily with just his words.

"I have trouble sleeping." You stated simply, finally giving in and taking a seat on the bed before Jean.

"Like you have nightmares or something?" Jean asked.

"Sometimes. But most of the time I just can't sleep for no real reason. I end up tossing and turning for hours and then realize it's already morning. Or I'll fall asleep only to wake up minutes later – wide awake again. It used to work out in a way that I'd tire myself out eventually and be able to get a proper rest but lately its worse I guess. That's why I ended up getting sick the other day. I must've been awake for days by that point. I can't tell you how much my eyes were burning."

"How long has it been going on?" Jean asked slightly as you leaned backwards on your hands, staring up at the ceiling.

"A long time. I've never liked the night so as kid I had trouble sleeping."

"So you're scared of the dark?" Jean was only half teasing.

"No, not anymore. I actually like the nights now since I've gotten used to it, honestly. It's calming and we know the Titan's aren't as active which is another comfort. It's just my body that don't listen. No matter how much I want to sleep, it doesn't come."

"But it's never been this bad before, right? I mean I know we weren't close but I don't really remember you ever passing out like that before this."

"I-It's gotten worse since Marco's death, I guess." You were starting to regret opening your mouth at all when you realized how pathetic this whole thing must have sounded. If Jean meant what he said he wouldn't think less of you but it still felt like part of your pride was losing. As quiet enveloped the room you found yourself wishing that you could leave the room and stop the conversation as it was now.

"Ah, so I was right then. Maybe you're not crying about it but it's definitely keeping you up at night, right?" Jean's voice was verging on playful and you quickly sent a glare his way. He really did always just say what was on his mind, didn't he?

"Well, it's true, right?" Jean stood from the chair and took a seat on the bed beside you instead. "I'm just curious – and you don't have to answer if you don't want to – but Marco knew, didn't he? I caught him a few times sneaking back into his bed at the most bizarre hours. He was with you, right?"

You nodded in reply to his now serious tone, sitting up straight and shifting a little in your position.

"He never told me even when I asked but I thought that was the case. Shit, now I feel bad for teasing him about it." Jean placed a hand over his face quickly. Tease him about what exactly? Oh well.

"He would comfort me. He said would say stupid things like I was still scared and so I needed him there and he wouldn't leave. And so he'd sit there and hold my hand and tell me "I'm here, its okay." as if that was the solution. Although, I guess I can't really argue since it always worked. I'd always fall asleep in the end and he'd be gone when I woke up. He was too nice, you know – he never asked anything in return even when he did so much for me." You looked towards the desk where Marco's book lie and his small notes were hidden.

_Hey, Marco – I still need your help, you know? Even though you said you wouldn't leave you're not here._

"What, so it's that simple? Say something sooner if that's the case, idiot." Jean stood up abruptly and put his hands on your shoulders, pushing you down onto your bed.

"W-What are you doing?" You asked as he started playing with the blankets and placed them over you.

"I'll do it. I'll stay here and help you fall asleep. I'll even hold your hand if you want." Jean gave you a small grin as he stood above you.

"What? No way. I never asked you to do that." You pushed the blankets off as you sat up again.

"I'm offering, idiot. I said I'd help, didn't I?" Jean was quick to push you back down once more.

"Either way there's no chance. I refuse. Absolutely not." You struggled against him but his arms were stronger than yours, no matter how much you didn't want to admit it. This situation felt vaguely similar to the sparring match from earlier today.

"Just shut up and accept other people's kindness once and a while will you?" Jean's face floated above yours and you could definitely feel your heart beating against your chest now.

"No, no, no. Just no. I didn't tell you all that so you could start saying dumb things like that. It's a shitty idea okay? So no way." When did he begin to make you feel like this? This nervousness, this anxiousness, this completely unexplainable arrhythmia. You were sure you had never felt anything like it before.

"...Is it no good? Will it not work if it's not Marco? Sorry, did I suggest something really dumb?" Jean's expression changed suddenly as he loosened his grip on your shoulders. You stopped struggling and looked up at him as his eyes were filled with a strange sadness you knew too well.

"No, it's not like that. Sorry. I overreacted." You sat up once more, not sure what to do or say. For all of the times you'd been comforted, had you ever done the same? Did you even know how?

Marco – and now Jean, as well – did so much for you just to stop you from being lonely, or stop you from feeling pain. Had you ever done anything in return? For all your talk about friendship just minutes earlier, weren't you the one being the most unfair? You kept telling yourself that there was no way Jean understood the unpleasant and overwhelming emotions that boiled inside of you – but he had lost someone as well. Whether or not he understood exactly how much it hurt – did that even matter? How did you skip over the fact that regardless, Jean was also in pain? It didn't really matter to what degree he understood you since he was trying. Could you say the same thing about yourself? Had you done anything to ease his pain in the slightest?

_Hey, Marco. I've changed my mind – you were really bad at judging others._

You realized for the first time the extent of just how much Jean had helped to ease yours.

_I'm weak. I'm so weak it's pitiful._

Those eyes that met yours on that night – was that really a look of pity you saw? Or perhaps it was just the same loneliness reflected back at you and you had just been too selfish to realize.

Once again you realized something about yourself that you had hidden. A part of you wished you hadn't – you hated yourself enough already at this point, isn't it enough? You were childish and evasive so you wanted to make more excuses, to run away from all the thoughts in your own head.

"Ah, did you just apologize? The world must be ending or something." Jean's smile almost seemed forced for a second as he stood from the bed and faced towards the door. Did he plan on leaving?

_Hey, Marco... I have something to say._

"Yeah. I'll apologize as many times as you want me to. For just now and for earlier, too. I went over the top before and acted like a kid. Sorry." You stared at Jean's hand as you spoke as something inside of you was screaming at you to grab a hold of it.

"It's fine. I shouldn't have said that stuff in the first place, though. Although you really shouldn't get so aggressive when I'm your only real friend, you know? What're you gunna do if I end up leaving, huh?" Jean turned his head over his shoulder to meet your eyes and his tone was jesting once more.

"Don't." You looked down at your own hands on the blanket in an attempt to run once again. Not only for Jean but from yourself; you knew you were in over your head from the moment that word escaped your lips.

"Don't? What?" Jean asked in confusion as he turned his body to face you once more. Your heart felt like it was beating in your throat as your pride tried it's hardest to prevent the words from leaving your lips. There was a part of you, however, that knew you needed to. For both Jean's sake and your own.

"Don't leave, idiot." You laid back down on the bed you had fought so hard to get out of earlier, pulling the blankets above your face in the most childish attempt of escaping you had done yet. Even if you wanted to face him head on, after saying something so embarrassing like that it was surely impossible. With nothing but the sound of your damn annoyingly excessive heartbeat and your breathing you could feel the heat in your face rising.

"...Mm. I said I'd stay, didn't I? I haven't broken a promise to you yet and I don't plan to start." You could've sworn you could hear Jean's smile as his voice filled the room accompanied by the sound of the bed creaking. You pulled the blanket's from your eyes to be met with his staring back at you with a warmth you could almost feel. You shifted onto your side, averting your eyes from his once again to try to stop that stupid color that painted your cheeks from deepening.

"Now, move over, will you?"

"Huh? What're you doing?" You rose to your head as the bed began to shift suddenly, your blankets being removed from you as Jean made his way into your bed.

"Going to sleep, idiot. I'm not Marco so I'm not gunna sit there until you don't need me anymore and then sneak back on my own – I'm not that nice of a guy, you know. So instead I'll just sleep here." Jean's voice was its usual condescending tone as if there was nothing strange about the situation at all.

"You're going to sleep in my bed? Beside me? Do you even hear yourself?" Yours on the other hand, was in almost panic as Jean now lay inches away from you.

"I don't see another bed here. Besides, it's easier this way, isn't it? You can't run away like this. If you're worried about something else then don't bother. I'm not going to attack you in your sleep or anything." Jean's hand intertwined with yours underneath the blanket and you wondered where the awkward, timid boy from earlier went? It took everything you had in you just to mutter a couple of out of characters words and yet he seemed to so easily shift from that boy to the man you were very much aware of before you.

"I'm not worried about anything like that! Why would I care, anyways? And who said anything about running away? Besides, think about what you're even saying! This isn't exactly a bed made for two, you know?" You felt like your thinking was becoming less coherent and hoped it didn't come across outwardly.

"You're the type of person that would run unless they had no other choice, right? You're so damn evasive it's hardly even cute anymore. It'll be fine so just shut up and go to sleep." The warmth from Jean's hand made its way into yours once again as he pulled your head back down with his other, practically slamming it into the pillow.

"...Either be a nice guy or an asshole, Jean. You can't have it both ways." After a few moments you had calmed down enough to regain your thoughts. Jean opened his eyes, his face mere inches from yours, before closing them again just as quickly. Could it be that he was nervous as well?

"Shut up already. You won't get any sleep if you keep talking." His reply was as usual but you could swear there was definitely a light shade of pink in his cheeks that wasn't always there.

"The lights, Jean. They're still on. Aren't you forgetting the most important step?" Yeah, it was definitely there. Jean lifted himself out of bed and quickly made his way across the room, flicking off the lights before returning towards the bed.

"Ow. Shit." Jean's voice was a low grumble as you heard a distinct bang.

"Try not to break my stuff, will you?" You smiled as you felt Jean climb back into the bed with you, the blankets shifting for a few moments before settling again.

"Oi, do you know how much that hurt? I think my small toe is what's broken." Jean's voice was so close you could feel the breath as he spoke graze your skin.

"You were bragging about beating me earlier and yet furniture can break your bones?" Ah, it happened again. Somehow all the nervousness and anxiety that had filled your heart moments prior was being melted away by Jean all over again. How did he manage to strip away all of your worries so easily like that? Every wall you built came crumbling down before him as if it was nothing.

"Shut up already. Ah, damnit. I can't see a damn thing. Where's your hand?" You felt Jean's rough fingers shifting across the bed and you placed yours on top of his without hesitation. If you thought about it logically, this entire situation was wrong. Jean shouldn't be in your bed, you shouldn't be okay with it, and you should definitely not be holding hands as you lay together like some old married couple.

But you weren't thinking about it logically anymore. All you knew about this moment was that annoyingly gentle warmth seemed to be all you needed to feel comfortable again.

"Ah, here. Now get some sleep. I'm here, so it's fine now. I won't go anywhere."

"Yeah. Goodnight, Jean."

Someday you would have to thank him properly.

"Mm, goodnight."

\---

_I wish I could have said it in time._


	11. Chapter 4.2

You woke up the next morning to be greeted with Jean's sleeping face only centimeters away from yours. You could feel Jean's fingers still intertwined with yours and his other hand rested lightly on your waist. You shifted slightly in your position as his soft hair brushed ever so lightly against your forehead; the events of last night were fresh in your memory and you were sure that the color in your cheeks began anew the moment your eyes fluttered open.

 _Ah. It worked, didn't it?_ You realized you had slept without issue again. Was it because of Jean? You grimaced slightly at the realization that once again, you needed someone else's help. Had Marco been right when he said you were still scared of the dark? There's no way it was something so pathetic, right?

"What's with that look when you wake up? I keep telling you that you'll give yourself wrinkles." Jean's voice filled the room and brought you from your thoughts. You met his half lidded eyes as he gave you a small glare, "Is it really so bad waking up next to me that you have to make that face?"

"Ah, that's not it. I was just thinking about something. Of course, waking up next to you doesn't help anybody in any situation though." You didn't know how to get rid of the anxious feeling in your stomach so you tried to deflect.

"Says the girl who slept like a damn baby last night. You were snoring even before I had a chance to close my eyes, you know." Jean rolled onto his back as he rubbed his eyes.

"Eh? I was snoring? Are you sure you didn't imagine it in a dream or something?" Your eyes watched his every move. You wanted to get up from the bed but sadly, Jean's body blocked your path and now that he was awake you didn't want to try to climb over him anymore.

"Why the hell would I have a twisted dream like that? I don't have any weird fetishes, you know." Jean snapped back at you before sitting up. You followed his example and sat up beside him.

"How am I supposed to know that? You did barge into my bed by force last night. That says enough about your personal habits, I think." You nudged his shoulders slightly to try to get him to get off the bed. "Up, up. It's morning and I don't want to be late."

"Huh? Who was it that was begging me not to leave with those puppy eyes? You should be grateful that I gave up my own comfortable solo bed to sleep to in this cramped one with you." It was obvious he was still half asleep as he slowly turned his legs to hang off the bed. On a normal morning you would have acted just as slowly but something about waking up next to Jean made you snap to attention quicker than you ever had before. Maybe it was your racing heart or the adrenaline that your brain felt the need to release but you were wide awake and trying to find a solution.

"Who did what with what eyes? I think your head is messed up, Jean. Your imagination must be a really interesting place." You placed a foot on his lower back and began to nudge him lightly again. It was obvious you hadn't put any energy into the small kicks because Jean hardly seemed to notice at all, only yawning and giving a stretch of his arms in response.

"Oi, it's rude to make the person who helped you sound like some creepy stalker or something. Learn to say thank you once and a while, idiot. You should be more honest with yourself once and a while." Jean lifted himself from the bed finally and you quickly followed suit, moving quickly towards your uniform that was hanging near towards the desk in your room.

"You're one to talk about that. Could you be any more of a tsundere with your hot and cold? I keep telling you to pick one – you can't be a nice guy and an asshole at the same time." Yet somehow that's exactly what he was – the nicest jerk you had ever known. Every word of his was cold and yet still wrapped up with such kindness you didn't know how he had managed to get anything across before in his life. He managed to make you angry beyond control and yet right back to the usual in mere moments. You hadn't even noticed when he began to have such an influence on your emotions.

"Huh? What the hell is that about? You're the one who can't choose between back and forth, aren't you? I take one step towards you and you start a mad dash in the other direction. Stop running once and a while and realize it already." Jean patted your head lightly before continuing to walk past you towards the door.

"Who's running? I don't remember anything like that happening. Anyways, it's time for breakfast so get out and get yourself dressed. I have to put my clothes on as well, you know." You pushed him from behind lightly even though you knew he was already on his way out. He had seen you grabbing your clothes and realized the situation without you having to point it out. Was he always so observant?

"Look, see. You're running again right now. You're going to tire yourself out pretty quick like that, you know." Jean stopped in his tracks before the door and placed a hand on the knob, looking back at you from over his shoulder.

"I have a lot of stamina so it's fine." You held your uniform against your chest as you stood behind him, looking up to meet his gaze as he gave a small smile.

"Yeah, that's probably true. But so do I, so don't expect me to give up and fall behind. You can keep running if you really want and I'll keep up beside you." The door opened and Jean stepped outside.

"What if I outrun you?" Which one of you was the supposed to be the tsundere here again?

"Take it slow every once and a while, then. Although you couldn't outrun me in this lifetime even if you tried. How many times have I beaten you in our races?" Jean turned to face you from his spot beyond your doorframe.

"Yeah. Your legs are long and you're too fast so it's not fair." You smiled despite yourself. What was this feeling called, you wondered?

"I won't leave you behind or anything so it's fine, isn't it?"

"Mm. I'll wait for you at breakfast, then." Who was it that was doing the chasing again?

"Yeah, I'll be there quick. Thanks, ____." Jean ran off and you shut the door quietly as his footsteps became increasingly smaller.

"Isn't that supposed to be my line? Who say's thanks to a person they just helped out, anyways?"


	12. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to user kneightmare for helping me out with this chapter!

The morning training schedule had gone off without a hitch and you now made your way towards the dining area to grab lunch. _I wonder if Jean is there already?_

As you opened the doors and strode over towards the area where they were serving food your eyes were scanning the room in search of the taller boy. After a quick back and forth you were able to judge that he hadn't arrived yet so you grabbed yourself a meal and took the nearest empty table. You began your meal in silence until a figure took its spot in front of you. And then another beside you.

You looked up to be met with the face of the 104th Trainee Squad's Connie Springer. To your immediate right was the much bigger, well-built Reiner Braun and standing a little ways behind was the much-too-tall Bertholdt Fubar. You knew them all from your time together in training but definitely had never spoken anything more than a few simple greetings during chores or something. Your eyes darted quickly between the three before narrowing into a more than obvious glare.

"Can I help you?" You spoke defensively.

"C'mon now, ____, there's no need to be so hostile. We're all friends here – isn't that right, Reiner?" The boy in front of you spoke cheerfully but it did nothing to calm your nerves. At a time like this you were sure Marco would be mad at you for being so suspicious of others instead of trying to make friends, but could you really help it? No matter how you thought of this situation it didn't seem right.

"Yeah, exactly right. We're all here together and so we're all friends." The voice beside you had a kind tone despite the boy's structure.

"Yeah, see! So calm down a little, ____. We just came to say hi since you seemed a little lonely sitting all by yourself. How about we all have lunch together?" Connie smiled brightly at you, staring at you for a response. Okay, maybe their intentions weren't to eat you or anything so bad, but you didn't let your guard down despite their seemingly welcoming smiles.

"I'm not lonely so it's fine." You finally spoke up to stop the set's of eyes piercing into you.

"Oh, really? But usually Jean is with you during meals, right? So I'm sure you're lonely without your little conversation buddy." Something clicked inside your head when you realized what the boys probably came for.

"I said I'm not lonely so it's fine. Now if that's all I ask that you leave so I can eat in peace." You were definitely right to be on guard, you thought.

"Oh c'mon, ____. Isn't that a little harsh?" Reiner's large palm landed on your shoulder in what you assume was an attempt to get you to relax a bit. It only served to make you more tense. You shrugged your shoulder to push it away, turning your glare towards him now.

"Isn't it worse to just bombard a person three on one? I think my defense is perfectly reasonable." You were clear and to the point.

"Bombard? You make it sound like we're attacking you or something, ____. We just wanted talk to you a little but I'm sorry if that's a bother." Bertholdt finally spoke up with a just barely noticeable look of concern.

"And what is it that you want to talk about, exactly?" You shot the question back at him and he looked away, saying nothing. You turned your gaze back towards Reiner and then Connie, waiting for some sort of answer.

"Ah~ fine then. We were wondering about your relationship with Jean, that's all! Jeez, you're really unfriendly, aren't you?" Connie finally cracked under your grilling eyes.

"What about my relationship with Jean?" You asked although you already knew the answer.

"Well, you know... Like are you two... together, or something? I saw him running towards his room this morning but when I asked him he said he didn't know what I was talking about. Can you believe that? He played dumb even though I saw it with my own eyes!" Connie shot his arms around as he spoke to emphasise each word.

"And when we asked if it had anything to do with you since he had been spending so much time with you lately he acted even more suspicious. His face was beat red like a little girl in love or something." Reiner chuckled slightly at the memory when he told the story.

"...We're friends." You responded in the same tone you had kept throughout the conversation.

"Is that all? Didn't you two spend the night together, you know... proving your relationship to one another?" Connie's smile widened a little when he finished his sentence.

"...I don't know what you mean but we did nothing of the sort. We are friends."

"Ah! But that means he was with you, right?" Reiner caught onto your words quicker than you had realized your mistake.

"Ah! I knew it, I knew it! That bastard Jean thought he could fool me but I'm not as dumb as he thinks!" Connie exclaimed loudly as he threw his arms above his head before you could deny their claims.

"Who's the bastard, huh?" The familiar voice barged its way into the conversation and you relaxed slightly as you saw Jean making his way towards you all.

"Care to explain just what the hell you guys think you're doing?" Jean placed his tray down beside you and stood with his arms folded across his chest and scowl plastered across his face.

"Jean! You're a lying bastard! You were totally with ____ last night and yet you said you didn't know what I meant earlier!" Connie shot up from his spot across the table, pointing a finger towards Jean.

"Huh? Did you three really just team up to harass a tiny girl because of a stupid reason like that?" Jean's eyebrows furrowed deeper as he looked between the three boys.

"That's why I said it's not like we're attacking her on anything! Don't make it sound so bad when we were just asking some questions!" Bertholdt gave voice once more from his position farther back.

"What the hell is with that? Come to me if you have something to say but don't gang up on ____ like that! Isn't it obvious how uncomfortable she is sitting there between three guys she doesn't even know?" Jean's voice was loud in his response – more aggressive than his usual self. Was he worried on your behalf again?

"Who cares about that – the point is you lied Jean! Weren't you the one who was always honest to a fault? Was it really so embarrassing to say you and ____ are a couple?" Connie was loud in his teasing and you began to notice the eyes around you focus in.

"We're not a couple, you shitty little cueball! Maybe if your mouth wasn't so big I wouldn't have had to lie about it!" Jean leaned in, bordering on aggressive and Reiner was quick to jump to his feet.

"Okay, we get it Jean. Calm down a little – no one meant any harm." He stepped up beside Jean and placed his hand in front of Jean's chest. Jean paused for a moment, glaring his eyes at the large boy, before giving a sigh.

"Yeah, whatever. It's not like it's any of your guys' damn business to begin with. Just drop it." Jean placed two fingers on each side of the bridge of his nose and gave a light rub.

"Oi, what the hell is with all the damn racket? Didn't you ever learn to eat you damn meals in quiet, you shitty brats?" Another voice cut into the conversation and you turned to see the ever feared Levi Heichou himself approaching, an obvious look of annoyance visible on his face. The four boys were quick to stop yelling and saluted their superior from their standing positions. You watched, trying to decide if you should perhaps rise and do the same but you hadn't really been a part of the yelling so it was fine, right?

"Sir! We apologize for the trouble we have caused! We'll be quieter from now on!" Reiner was the first to speak an apology.

"We're terribly sorry, sir. There was a small misunderstanding but it's been resolved so there's no need to worry." Bertholdt was quick to follow his friend's example.

"Y-yes, sir! We're terribly sorry, sir!" You could see the look of anxiety plastered on Connie's face.

"We apologize for the disturbance, sir." You could tell Jean was trying to keep his composure despite also being nervous as he spoke. Who wouldn't falter a little, though, with a face like that staring right at you? You smiled to yourself slightly at the completely 180 in attitude from the boys. It was quiet for a moment as everyone waited for a reaction – some sort of acknowledgement from the superior who stood unrelentingly before them.

"Cleaning duty. For the five of you. When you're done with your strategy meetings make sure you report outside to the stables. The horses could use a good grooming so it's good you all decided to volunteer." His response was simple yet strong as he left with those words.

"Wait, wait – just wait. Just now, he said five, didn't he? Did he mean that I'm in trouble as well?" You spoke up despite your deafly quiet surroundings.

"It would appear that way, yes." Bertholdt was the one to answer you with a small, self-mocking smile. He was surprisingly apprehensive for someone his size and ability, it would seem.

"Fantastic. You guys really know how to turn a good day into complete garbage, don't you?" Jean sighed again as he finally took a seat in front of the tray he had placed beside you earlier.

"Wait – are you blaming us? This is just as much your fault too!" Connie's voice was loud as he retorted which quickly earned him a small punch to the back of the head from Reiner.

"Not so loud Connie! What're you gunna do if we get in even more trouble?" Reiner had circled around with Bertholdt still behind him.

"Ow, ow, ow! Okay I get it. I still think it was mostly Jean's fault though." Connie rubbed the back of his head lightly as he mumbled.

"Huh? It was obviously you that started this whole thing in the first place." Jean snapped quickly back.

"Okay, that's enough you guys. Connie, shouldn't we head back anyways? Jean and _ still have to eat so let's leave, okay?" Bertholdt's voice was somewhat of a nervous mutter as he tried to stop another possible situation from taking off.

"Yeah, fine. Don't think we're done though, Jean! You still have a lot of explaining to do so don't think I'll forget!" Connie declared over his shoulder as the three boys made their way out of the room, leaving Jean and you behind still sitting at the table.

"One day I'm going to end up ripping my damn hair out because of those guys." Jean spoke with another sigh as he stared at the obviously cold meal in front of him.

"You sound like an old man, Jean. How many times have you sighed like that already?" You teased him slightly and watched him try to make his way through the cold piece of bread in his head.

"Can you blame me? Thanks to their damn curiosity I'm stuck with cleaning duty." Jean let out a sigh and then turned towards you, "And you, as well. Couldn't you have done something to deal with the situation a little better? You just sat there the whole time with that dumb look on your face. Who do you think you're going to intimidate with that face, anyways?"

"Huh? What the hell am I supposed to do in a situation like that? In the first place, it was your fault that they came to me at all. Shouldn't you be apologizing instead of trying to scold me?" You snapped back at him just as quickly as you had with the three other boys.

"Apologizing? I'm the one who came and got you out of that damn mess, aren't I? Your ability to spin a situation to suit your own interests is amazing, you know." Jean, however, didn't let up easily either.

"Yeah, you got me out of it – and into cleaning duty. The only person spinning things here is you, isn't it? Is your entire thought process selective or what?" You had paused your meal now to face Jean beside you.

"Huh? Aren't you forgetting that you were the center of everything in the first place?" You watched Jean's movements as he spoke, realizing he didn't seem angry per se, but rather just annoyed with the situation at hand. And he had a point.

"Not out of choice. Besides, if they hadn't thought you were acting shady earlier they wouldn't have come to bother me in the first place." But so did you.

"...You might be right about that. But I couldn't very well answer them when they asked, could I now? It's not my fault I'm not a good liar." Jean took another bite of his bread with a slight pout.

"...Yeah. Sorry for making you have to cover for me." You gave in a little bit despite your own annoyance.

"...Since it's mostly my fault you have cleaning duty I guess that makes us even." Jean did as well, although his furrowed eyebrows showed his irritation still.

"Mm. We should get going soon or we'll be late." You finished off the glass of water you had before you as you noticed the crowd around you had thinned out immensely from earlier. You felt like blowing off some stream and an idea popped into your head suddenly. You smiled, "I'll race you?"

"You should start running now or there's no way you'll ever beat me." Jean finished off his meal and stood up beside you. You waited for him regardless and he grinned at you, "Your loss. Ready?"

"I don't need to cheat to beat you." Maybe it was because you had been sleeping well for the past few nights but you felt like you had energy to spare. "Go!"

"Ah, you went first anyways!" Jean yelled after you as you both started off in a dash towards your classroom on the other side of the building.

"What was it you called me earlier? Don't tell me you're going to lose to a "tiny girl"?" You teased him despite the fact that he was already caught up to you.

"As if that'd ever happen. Keep running or you'll fall behind." He ran a few steps ahead of you.

"I thought you said you wouldn't leave me behind yesterday?" You said the words jokingly as you put all your power into your legs, overtaking him once more. Yeah, getting some proper sleep definitely helped improve your drive.

"Idiot, who's the one being left behind?" A tiny, unnoticeable flush rose to Jean's cheeks as you saw your destination in sight. You gave one last final push before placing your hands on the door frame, claiming your victory.

"It's fine if I win a few battles, isn't it? Since you're the one winning the war." You spoke between breaths as a smile rose on your face. Jean breathed heavily as he stood beside you and leaned against the wall.

"What're you talking about?" He patted your head as he walked by you and into the classroom, "We're on the same damn side, idiot."

"Yeah, you're right."


	13. Chapter 5.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that this chapter has so little Jean in it but I hope you will enjoy it regardless.

"I see you've all made it." A superior office greeted as he walked up towards the area before the stables. You saluted from your position beside Jean and the three boys from earlier.

"Good that you're all on time. I've received orders that the five of you are on cleaning duty as punishment for creating something of scene earlier, correct?" The man gave a pitying smile towards you all as he continued, "Well, I'll be your supervisor for the evening, then. To pass on instructions... Jean, Connie – you two will be cleaning out the stables and the other three will wash and groom the horses. I'll be in and out of here but try your hardest, okay? If you work together you should be able to wrap up before sundown."

"Wait, why do I have to be stuck on cleaning up while those two get to brush a few horses down? They're both bigger and more suited, don't you think?" Connie complained only half jokingly, pointing a finger towards Reiner and Bertholdt.

"Oi, shut up Connie. You were the loudest so it makes sense." Reiner remarked back with a small laugh.

"He's right. According to the orders I got from Levi Heichou, the two of you were the ones who gave him a headache and so you were to be put on cleaning the stables..." The man gave half a laugh as he spoke before turning his heels, "Well, I'll be back in a little while so work hard!"

"Perfect. I'll be smelling like horse shit for weeks, I bet." Connie grimaced at the thought as he slouched his shoulders and turned towards the stables.

"No worse than usual, then?" Jean teased as you all followed Connie's lead.

"Oh shut up, Jean. Don't think I've forgotten how this was all your fault in the first place!" You released a horse from his stable and led it out towards the open grass, still hearing Connie and Jean bicker lightly in the background.

"We can tie the reigns over here so that it's easier." Reiner spoke to you from off to the side and you nodded in acknowledgement, following his example. "Then, should we get started?"

"Hey, ____! Call me if those guys start harassing you again and I'll come save you!" Jean yelled out from the stable entrance with a more than obvious smirk on his face.

"Who the hell needs you to save them?" You raised your voice slightly but Jean probably missed it as he ran back inside.

"Agh... He really makes it sound bad, you know? Like we're monsters that are gunna come after you or something." Reiner chuckled a little as he furrowed his eyebrows in the direction of the stable. You turned towards your horse, ready to begin the surely long night ahead of you.

"Hey, don't tell me you're going to ignore us the whole time we're out here? Teamwork, remember. We're really not the bad guys, you know." Reiner continued speaking and you glanced at him from the corner of your eyes. His smile was genuine and it's not that you thought he was a bad guy or anything; it was just you were still uncomfortable around people you didn't know well. Small talk was fine since you had done it plenty during your time since enrolling in the military, but Jean was right when he said you really didn't have that many friends. It's not that you couldn't talk to anyone or anything so bad, but it felt a little awkward to be casually talking with them after everything that happened earlier.

"He was just joking around to get on my nerves, that's all." You answered without turning your face, continuing with the horse in front of you.

"You sure? He seemed pretty serious earlier, though." Reiner replied as he followed your example. You saw Bertholdt watch for a moment before following suit as well.

"I don't think he would have done anything." Obviously he was not planning to let the topic go anytime soon like you hoped.

"Nah, you're probably right. But he was worried, don't you think? Earlier and just now as well."

"..."

"Ah, no need to get mad or anything. I'm not trying to suggest anything like that so don't worry. Besides, Jean was right earlier when he said it's not really our business in the first place. So just relax a little." Reiner spoke up a little louder this time after you had gone quiet.

"...I'm not mad." You replied back even if there was a small part of you that didn't want to. Regardless of your less than perfect personality, you weren't really an unfriendly person or anything. Most of the time, at least.

"That's good then. So when did you and Jean get so close, anyways? I don't remember you guys ever hanging out during training before so it seems a little odd. That's why everyone's curious, you know." You met Reiner's eyes once again as he spoke.

"...We have stuff in common." You gave a small sigh when you answered. What were you supposed to say in times like these?

"Oh yeah? Like what? I can't think of anything the two of you would have to talk about, honestly." Reiner replied. Didn't he just say that it wasn't his business?

"We talk about regular stuff."

"Is that so? You know, you kind of remind me of someone I know - a girl who joined the Military Police. Although she might have been more mean-spirited than you are, to tell the truth." Reiner let out a chuckle and you could have sworn you saw Bertholdt shifting around uncomfortably behind his horse.

"Is that supposed to be good thing or bad?" You didn't know what he was getting at or why.

"No, it's not bad or anything – just an observation. She was pretty quiet as well, even though she isn't necessarily a bad person. I thought you seemed like that, is all. That's why I think it's a little strange that someone like you and someone like Jean hang out so often." He smiled at you as he spoke, his words holding no ill will.

"I don't think Jean and I are that different." For the first time since starting your training you began to wonder how the people are you thought of you. Did you really seem so different that the whole thing came as that big of a shock? Jean and you had both already accepted the fact that your personalities were so similar in nature – but is that not how others saw it?

"Really? But you're so quiet and reserved and he's so arrogant and cocky. That's why I didn't think you guys would be the type to get along." Reiner stated as if it was a matter of fact and you paused.

Quiet and reserved? _I guess it would seem like that, wouldn't it?_

Although, you were sure Jean had a very different opinion. You realized once again how comfortable you had become around Jean – he was the only person you were yourself around. You relaxed just at the sight of him even when you didn't realize you had been tense to begin with.

"He is excessively cocky, isn't he?" You gave half a smile that was hidden behind the horse in front of you. You didn't really feel any urgency to correct their misunderstanding.

"Ah, was that a laugh?" Reiner exclaimed, surprising you a little. "Good, keep it like that! The only time I've ever seen you smiling is when you're talking with Jean so I'm a little surprised."

"That's because he says stupid things." You replied, your tone was lighter than even you had expected.

"Doesn't he? That guy can't hold his tongue to save his life. That's why we were so shocked earlier when he actually told a lie like that." Reiner gave a chuckle as he spoke and you saw him move to the other side of his horse, continuing his grooming as he spoke.

"You know he blamed me after you guys left? As if the whole thing wasn't his fault to begin with." You were quick to avert attention from Reiner's last sentence, hoping to avoid the topic completely. You guys really didn't do anything wrong so it's not like you couldn't explain – it was just that would mean revealing your weakness. And the fact that you and Jean had slept in the same bed, holding hands and acting like it was a normal thing to do. So instead, you focused on a topic you knew would keep him occupied as well as let you vent – Jean's idiocy.

"Ah, that sounds like something he would do. I would've given him a good knock over the head for that. Next time we have sparring practice you should teach him a lesson, don't you think? Maybe that'll make him act a little nicer." Reiner was obvious with his joking tone and you smiled to yourself.

"Ah, wouldn't that be nice? But I've never actually beaten him before. He doesn't know how to hold back, either." Jean had made it into the top ten so it made sense he was stronger than you, but you still didn't like the fact.

"You don't have to beat him; just knock him around a few times. Come over for a second and stand here." Reiner moved away from his horse and stood with his back facing the stables, with nothing but grass around him.

"Why?" You stared at him and he gave a grin in return.

"I'll teach you a few moves that you can use to take him down. Pin him a few times for me, will ya?"

On a normal day you probably would've shut the idea down completely, but after your win earlier in the day you were more fired up than usual. How nice would it be to be the one on top once and a while? Imagining the shock on Jean's face was enough to get your legs moving and a small smile crept onto your face. You'd have to put your trust issues and all others aside for the moment because you were sure this would be worth it.

"Ready?" Reiner positioned himself as you stood before him.

"Ready."


	14. Chapter 5.3

“Ah~ I’m starving!” Connie exclaimed as he made his way into the building, yourself and the other three boys following behind him.

“I’m surprised your can think about eating at all after that.” Reiner spoke in response as you all made your way into the almost empty dining hall to grab a bite to eat. You were lucky to have made it in time; by the looks of the room it wouldn't be much longer until they stopped serving food for the night.

“Don’t remind me, okay? I finally got the image out of my head. I can still smell it, you know.” Connie sounded genuinely upset.

“That’s probably from when you fell, don’t you think? Some probably got up your nose.” Jean snorted out a laugh as you all grabbed your meals for the evening.

“Fell? I think your forgetting whose fault that was, don’t you think? Jean, you’re really turning into an asshole. Even worse than before.” You heard Connie remark from behind you as you followed Jean towards a nearby table.

“Huh? I think I’m a nice guy. Isn't that right, _____?” Jean turned towards you as you sat down beside him, placing his free hand on top of your head as if you were there just for that purpose.

“Could you not touch me until you've had a proper shower, Jean?” You were only half teasing but made no move to remove his hand and you could hear the stifled laughter from the other boys.

“Ah, wait! Doesn't that mean he can touch you after that? See, Jean – it’s because you guys are like that. Of course everyone would think you’re a couple with that atmosphere around you two.” Obviously Jean had not been able to convince Connie during their time alone.

“Aren't you the one just jumping to conclusions? I already told you a hundred times that we’re not.” Despite their arguing Jean didn't try to chase the three boys away as they sat down at the table across from you both.

“Leave it alone already, Connie. You’ll just make him mad again and I’m not going to get involved this time. You can clean and groom the horses for all I care.” Reiner started his meal with Connie and Bertholdt on both sides of him.

“Don’t abandon me half way!” Connie exclaimed.

“You’re too loud again. Besides, ____ and I had a proper conversation during our time together. She told me that they’re just friends so I’m done prying. Why not leave it be already?” Reiner seemed somewhat tired as he spoke.

“Ah, did you get her to talk? You’re really something else, Reiner!” 

“Could you not talk about someone like they’re not sitting two feet away?” You spoke without looking away from your meal, practically starving after everything that had happened in the day.

“Yeah, it’s pretty rude. You should have some manners when you’re talking to a girl.” Reiner defended you and you could see Jean’s eyes narrow out of the corner of your eyes.

“Huh? Since when are you on their side, Reiner? Traitor!” Connie shot his hands up in the air as he spoke in exaggeration. 

“Yeah, just what the hell happened? Did _____ break you with that stupid glare she’s always giving?” Jean asked, looking between the both of you.

“Something like that, I guess. Though it wasn't a glare.” Reiner looked a little pleased as he continued his meal without lifting his head.

“Huh? Talk straight, Reiner. What happened, _____?” Jean turned his question towards you, not waiting for Reiner to elaborate.

“Nothing happened. I explained the situation and Reiner listened. We had a conversation like two adults and that’s it.” You said simply, looking back at him. What was with that look he had? Something akin to worry, it seemed.

“So you’re telling me that you – the girl who’s unfriendly even to her only friend – was able to hold a proper conversation?” Jean was focusing solely on you now as he continued his questioning. 

“You’re not my only friend, Jean. Plus, Reiner said he and I are friends now too.”

“...” 

You lifted your eyes from your meal when Jean didn't speak. His eyes didn't’t meet yours and he seemed like he was deep in thought.

“What’s with that? It pisses me off.” Jean finally said, shooting a small glare between yourself and Reiner once more. You paused, trying to understand Jean’s sudden anger before your thoughts were interrupted.

“If you say stuff like that people really will think you’re in love with her.” Reiner ignored Jean’s scowl and replied with a small laugh.

“So what if I am?”

“...” 

Quiet.

“Ah, I knew it! You’re finally ready to admit it, then?” Connie snapped back into his senses and exclaimed loudly, breaking the dead silence that had taken over the table. 

_Wait._

“No, it’s just... I felt really jealous right then, you know? Even I’m surprised. But the idea of you two hanging out or whatever – it makes me angry all of a sudden. Like, I don’t want ____ to be closer to anyone other than me? Ah, that might really sound like I’m in love, huh?" Jean stated devoid of any sense of embarrassment. You felt his share, that was for sure.

_Love?_

“Ah, there he goes; right back to his way-to-honest self. Is that any way to make a confession, Jean?” Reiner gave a smile as he half teasingly scolded Jean.

“Shut up – who said anything about a confession? That’s not what I meant.” Jean’s words seemed to have finally caught up to him and a faint color began to develop on his cheeks. Not that you saw it, though. Or heard him or anyone else at that point, either.

What was with that damn pounding, anyways? It was all you could hear all of a sudden. You placed the spoon you had been holding back down on your tray. Was it hot in here or something? You’re palms were sweating like mad without reason. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to stop that annoying feeling in the pit of your stomach from growing but to no avail. 

Shouldn't he have just denied it like usual? Couldn't he have just said they were wrong? Even as a joke, wasn't stuff like that off limits?

“A shower.” You stood up much too abruptly, drawing the eyes of the four boys sitting by you. Your stomach definitely felt strange so it was best to just go take a shower and settle down for the night, right? Why the hell did you feel so damn strange, anyways?

“What’re you talking about, idiot? You've hardly eaten a damn thing on your plate. Sit down.” Jean was quick to reply and turn his eyes back to his meal.

“I’m not hungry. I’m going to take a shower. It’s too damn hot in here.” You started off towards the exit without looking back. What the hell was going on, anyways? It wasn't fair to just say stuff like that. You’re mind was a mess and you increased your pace, as if your feet were trying to keep up with your racing thoughts.

_I mean, who just says stuff like that? Out of damn nowhere and without warning. Is he an idiot? He’s definitely an idiot. Why is he such a damn idiot?_

You practically ran all the way from your room to the showers, hoping desperately for any small distraction to stop that stupid, annoying, way-to-loud pounding. If there was an Olympics for undressing you surely would have taken the gold as you rushed yourself for no real reason. You turned the cold nozzle to full in hopes that the freezing water would be enough to cool you down.

What the hell was that damn feeling?

It was definitely true that there had been times that Jean made your heart race a little but it’s not like you two were in love or anything, right? It was only because you weren't used to the intimacy friendships can bring that your heart pounded the way it did, right? You lifted a hand to your cheeks and felt the faint heat that still lingered despite the cold temperature of the water that poured down on you.

_I mean... it’s not like that’s even possible, right?_ Surely both you and Jean knew that this world wasn't one meant for romance. Anger, sure. Hate, sure. Pain, of course. Even fleeting moments of happiness were sometimes allowed. But romance? There’s no way. You had already known that fact, right?

Maybe if you had been born in another life – another time, than perhaps it wouldn't have been so unreasonable. But this world wasn't a place for idealistic nonsense. This world was cruel and harsh. This world only took and never gave. There wasn't any place for sweet words and warm nights in this world. You and Jean both knew that much, right? 

Of course you did. You had only just recently been reminded of this undeniable truth as evidence.

That’s why it was impossible that this stupid fluttering you felt in your stomach was anything akin to love. Jean had just been joking as usual, right? He hadn't meant anything by those words. You must have overreacted because you’re just a socially-awkward idiot. 

You turned the nozzle once more in the opposite direction, stopping the flow of water. You shivered slightly as you realized how cold you suddenly felt and grabbed the towel you had set out. After quickly drying off your body and getting yourself dressed, you wrapped the towel loosely around your head. It was freezing cold outside and that cold shower you just had? Probably a shit idea in retrospect.

You let out a small sigh – from relief or self-pity, you didn't know – before stepping into the halls and heading towards your room. Sleep sounded beautiful right now. You had worked yourself up for no reason and surely a good night’s rest was in order. It would clear your head completely of those ridiculous thoughts that plagued you and you’d wake up refreshed. 

Yeah, sleep was definitely what you needed.

_Why am I such a damn idiot?_


	15. Chapter Six

A knock sounded on your door and you shifted in bed. There was no doubt in your head about who was standing on the other side of the thin wood. You hesitated – why? It’s not like there was anything to be afraid of, right?

Another knock came after a moment’s silence and you lifted yourself from your bed. You had already gotten over those silly thoughts from earlier anyways, right? So it would be fine now.

“What’s up, Jean?” You asked casually as you opened the door. He looked you over once before his eyes trailed around the room.

“Were you sleeping?” He asked, almost surprised.

“Yeah. I’m pretty tired after all that extra work today, you know?” You gave a stretch of your arms as you spoke. There was no reason to avoid his eyes, right? So why couldn't you meet them already?

“Really? I came all the way over here because I figured you’d just toss and turn without me.” Jean made his way into the room, walking straight past you without hesitation. You paused for a moment before shutting the door and making your way back towards the bed.

“I’m not that helpless, okay? I’ll be fine even if you don’t come.” You sat down in your bed, glancing only for a second at Jean who stood in the middle of the room. He didn't plan to force his way into your bed again today, did he? Sure you had calmed down since earlier but there was a limit and he had long since crossed it today already.

“Who’re you trying to fool? You’re just avoiding me. When are you planning on looking me in the eyes, idiot?” Jean’s tone was harsh as you laid yourself down on the bed and tried to ignore his presence. 

“Why would I have to avoid you? The only intimidating thing about you is your damn persistence.” You forced yourself to meet his eyes even though there was a part of you screaming not to. 

“Oh, that’s some pretty tough talk. You’re pretty energetic for someone who was just sleeping, don’t you think?” Jean made his way across the room slowly as he spoke. 

“What’s your point? I said I’m fine so you can just go back, can’t you? There’s nothing good about being so pushy, Jean. You’ll scare off all the girls like that.” You sat up from your position on your bed; Jean obviously wasn't planning on giving up and leaving. 

“Are you saying that you’re scared, then?” He took a step towards you. Ah, there it was. That damn pounding was back. 

“Who’s scared? You’re way to damn cocky for your own good, Jean.” You shot a glare in his direction as you turned your body so that your feet were back on the ground with Jean standing a few meter lengths in front of you.

“Cocky? Where the hell does that come from? Isn't the main problem here your attitude, to start with? Learn to be a little more grateful here and there.” It felt almost as if the scene playing out was ripped out from yesterday as you stood up from your spot, Jean towering over you once again.

“I’m pretty sure today’s biggest problem has been you, Jean. It’s just one thing after another.” You snapped back. Were you angry? Maybe that was it. It was different from the anger you felt yesterday, though. Why was that?

“What the hell are you going on about? You’re just dodging again as always. Can’t you face anything head on for once in your life? You say you’re not scared but I’d probably be mistaken with a Titan with the way you’re fucking shaking like that.” Jean stepped forward, almost intimidating. You stood in front of him without turning your eyes away for a second. 

“I prefer to use my head to actually think instead of just ram it into things. What kind of problems will that solve? Your struggles might be that easy to overcome but mine aren't as simple.” Your blood was rushing to your head again and your body was hot. It was like he was talking down to you; pitying you. Your jaw was tight and your fingernails were practically digging into your palms at the thought.

“Can you really say that with the straight face when you’re the one who runs away from every problem? You can’t deny the fact that you literally bolted out of the room earlier. What the hell was up with that, anyways? I’m curious about your oh-so-wonderful thought process there. You’re not going to solve anything like you no matter how hard you “think” about it. You won’t get stronger like that either.” Jean spoke in a harsh tone, “Are you planning on running away from the Titans like that as well? You’ll get yourself killed like that pretty quick. I thought you were supposed to be working hard?”

Now that was definitely the same anger you felt yesterday. 

“I am working hard! What the hell do you know, anyways? What makes you think you’re so much better than everyone else?” What right did he have to undermine your efforts just because he was a little ticked off? You had spent hours thinking about ways to improve yourself – not only in training, even. What did he know about how much you struggled with yourself trying to find the answers? 

“Is that so? How many times did you lose during sparring practice with me the other day? I’ll believe it when I see-“

Your anger had gotten the better of you and you swung your fist in the taller boy’s direction but he quickly dodged it with ease.

_It hurts._

“Lively, aren't you? You finally ready to make good on your promise to carry me to the infirmary or something?” Jean mocked as you stumbled forward for half a second. You quickly regained your footing and turned your body to swing again. You felt flesh connect with flesh and for a brief moment you thought you had been able to land a blow. You were quickly proven wrong, however, as Jean’s open palm was the only thing that had met your hopeful attack.

What made it worse was that damn grin he wore as he seemingly effortlessly blocked you.

_It’s pathetic. Why can’t I win?_

“What’s with that weak punch? You couldn't hurt a damn fly with these tiny knuckles.” Jean’s large hand wrapped itself around your clenched fist and he pulled on your arm, grabbing your wrist and quickly sending you lightly in the direction of his choosing.

As you stopped yourself from falling forward a small thought crept into your head. You regained your footing and stood still for a moment, back turned to Jean. 

You would have to remember to thank Reiner later if this worked.

“Is that all you had in you, _____? If you’re done already then let’s talk about what I-“

Jean’s sentence stopped short as you turned around, aiming once more for a blow to Jean’s face. He was able to stop it again with ease, of course – but you had anticipated that. Your other arm grabbed a hold of Jean’s outstretched wrist and before he even had a chance to utter another taunt your way, your foot secured itself behind his. Your eyes met his for only a second and you shot him a smile as you retracted your foot, pulling his along with you and causing him to lose his balance for a split second. 

Reiner had taught you well enough to take advantage of that split second, though.

As Jean stumbled forward with his one foot in the air you yanked on the wrist you held in your arm, taking Jean along with you as you spun your body ninety degrees. You were absolutely sure that, at least for a moment, you had been able to use your own momentum to successfully lift both of Jean’s feet from the ground as you released your grip on his wrist and let him fly to the ground. 

There was a loud thud as he landed half on his back; an audible grunt escaping his lips.

You had just effectively made Jean Kirschtein fall on his ass.

You only had a second to pat yourself on the back, though, before you rushed over and placed your body on top of the downed boy. You grabbed his wrists before he had the chance to sit up and pinned them to the ground and grinned down at him.

“What the fuck are you doing, ____?” Jean growled at you as you prevented his chance at a payback blow of any sort.

“Trying to kill this pesky fly.” Despite your harsh words you were obviously happy with yourself as you sat atop of Jean’s waist.

“You’re not funny, ____. Stop smirking like that and get the fuck off of me.” Jean really didn't like being beaten, apparently.

“Are you mad, Jean? I was just showing you the proof of my efforts like you requested.” You grinned down at him even larger than before. He glared up at you as he wiggled his wrists lightly, assessing his situation most likely. He was silent for a few moments before finally closing his eyes and giving a sigh.

You should probably bake Reiner a goddamn cake for providing you with the means to this moment.

“I’m so honored that you took my words to heart and decided to show me something worthwhile. When’d you pick something like that up?” Jean spoke with his eyes still shut and he seemed much more relaxed, not trying to fight you off in any way.

“Reiner taught it to me earlier today.” You replied, letting go of your grip on Jean’s wrists and sitting upright. You noticed Jean’s eyes shoot open at the mention of Reiner's name and looked back at him as he glared up at you once again.

“What the fuck is with that? You were just goofing off with him the entire time while we were supposed to be working or what?” Jean barked at you from his position below you.

“Huh? Of course not. First of all – we did all of our work properly and faster than you did. Secondly – goofing off? I was learning. Ever heard of it? Reiner was kind enough to show me a few moves during our spare time so I could improve. Weren't you the one saying I wasn't trying hard enough?” You snapped back at him, forgetting that you had just been about to get off of the boy.

“Shut up. Learn when we’re in class from our instructors, not just from some random guy. Are you that dumb? Be more self-aware.” Jean propped his upper body up on to his elbows as the volume of his voice increased with each passing minute.

“Random guy? Sure I’m not his closest friend or anything but we did go through three years of training with him, in case you forgot. Aren't you the one who _is_ friends with him, anyways? And just what the hell am I supposed to be aware about? He’s not a Titan that’s trying to kill me or anything.” Why the hell was Jean so angry the first place? His eyebrows seemed to furrow further and further as the conversation progressed. 

“That’s not the point. It’s not like you know him so you shouldn't be accepting favors like that so quickly, right? Aren't you supposed to be the one who doesn't socialize and never trusts others?” Jean scolded you as if you had strolled outside of the walls or something.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Jean? It was a few quick pointers and demonstrations. How is that harmful to anyone? It’s not like the guy is particularly untrustworthy from what I hear about him.” You paused for a second at the realization, “Oh, I get it. Is it because I used it to pin you? Is being beaten by me really that infuriating?” 

“Are you seriously this dumb? You took about a decade to start trusting me even a little but Reiner is fine because you've heard good things about him? You've known the guy for less than a day and he’s already made more progress than I did in my first week. How is that fair?” Jean let his arms down as he dropped himself back onto the floor – causing you to realize that you were still perched comfortably upon his waist. You shifted, placing your hands on both sides of Jean’s body in order to lift your body from him. As you were about to remove yourself, however, a hand gripped itself onto your left wrist. 

“Don’t just run away again.” Jean spoke in a soft voice, a sharp contrast from the previous few minutes. He gave a light and yet powerful tug on your wrist, causing you to fall forward and crash your face directly into Jean’s chest.

“What the hell are you doing, Jean? That hurt.” You tried to lift your face but Jean’s free hand held it in place while his other hand kept its hold on your wrist still.

“How do you think I felt when you threw me around before?” Jean’s fingers found themselves intertwined with the strands of hair on your head. What the hell was he doing all of a sudden?

You were completely lost in terms of how the situation had changed within the last minute. Suddenly your blood was rushing towards your head again for the second time tonight but for a very different reason. Did he even realize what he was doing? What this would look like?

What it _felt_ like?

You could feel each breath Jean took as his chest lifted itself gently up and down. You weren't even sure whether if the pounding you could hear was his or your own anymore.

“S-seriously, Jean, let go already. I’ll apologize, okay? Just let me get up.” You tried once more to lift your head from his chest but your movements were halted as you felt Jean’s legs wrap tightly around yours. An arm snaked itself around your waist and suddenly you could no longer feel Jean’s hard chest but rather the cold of the wooden floor beneath you. Your eyes met with Jean’s once again from a different angle as you now lay underneath his body. 

He placed one arm beside your face so that he hovered above you and the other found its way towards yours once more. You didn't move a muscle as slender fingers intertwined themselves with your own in a gentle yet secure grip.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to yell and I realize that I’m acting like a damn kid. But I can’t help it; I feel so angry when I think about it. I’m jealous and I don’t want to let you anywhere near him. Hey, ____... I – just, what am I to you?” Jean spoke with his face directly above yours and eyes locked in place. You couldn't manage to look away even though you were sure that your face was already as red as could be and you wanted to hide.

How the hell was a move like this even legal?

His words traveled slowly through your ears and you had to finally close your eyes to focus. 

_I can’t hear a thing over this damn beating._

“Hey, ____. Answer me. Do you still consider me your friend?” Jean spoke once again and you squeezed your eyes shut tighter at the sudden interruption of your thoughts.  
Was he really so worried about something like that? Something so small and so childish? You thought back through your memories quickly but you were sure that you couldn't remember ever having seen Jean with a look quite like the one he had now.

“One training session isn't going to make Reiner my new best friend, Jean. Isn't that much obvious? You might be an asshole but you’re not going to be replaced that easily.” You opened your eyes but avoided his gaze while you answered. You weren't sure if those were the words Jean was looking for or not but on the inside you hoped that you were able to provide some form of reassurance.

“Then how about two? Or three? How many training sessions is it going to take for someone to take that spot from me? I don’t want to lose to something like that. Whatever the amount is I’ll double it. I’ll train with you whenever you want to so could you start depending on me a little already? I can’t say my pride feels very good when I have to realize how untrustworthy I am to you all over again.” Jean’s voice was soft but consistently firm throughout each sentence. 

You looked Jean in the eyes again and realized something all over again in a different light.

You two were alike.

Jean was immature. He was an egoist and he was selfish. He was hurt and he was seeking assurance. He was easily misunderstood and written off. He was insecure and lacking self-confidence. He was just as much in need of you as you were in need of him.

All of those times that you had been in his position he was the one by your side. He always provided the strength for your every weakness. He provided the sanity to your lunacy; the gentle words to your angry screams. The warmth that enveloped you when it was dark and cold.

If you had spent all of this time hating yourself and being scared... had Jean also felt the same?

“You’re wrong, Jean. I trust you more than anyone I know. Some new moves aren't’t going to change that no matter how frequent or extravagant. So you can’t lose.” You said the first words that came to your head in a half desperate attempt to provide comfort. 

“But that could easily change, you know? Reiner is a much nicer guy than I am and you’re so easily influenced because you’re an idiot.” Jean spoke quickly and you found yourself smiling at his response.

_Who is the real idiot here?_

“A nice guy like that couldn't put up with a rotten personality like mine, don’t you think? You’re the only one who wouldn't leave me behind in this world. We’re kind of stuck together so I guess we should just make the best of it, huh? Idiot.” You gave a light squeeze of his hand as you spoke and Jean paused momentarily.

“Hey, ____, what I said earlier... during dinner. Are you mad?” Jean asked as he lowered his entire body just an inch, his eyes on yours.

“I’m not mad. I was just hot so I wanted to take a shower.” You might have been ready to talk about Jean’s issues and all, but your own were another thing altogether.

“You’re a shit liar. Did I really say something that bad? You should be used to me saying whatever is on my mind by now, right?” Jean asked in all seriousness. Perhaps he really hadn't meant anything as strange as you had thought?

“That’s hardly the point, Jean. Wouldn't it have been better to just deny everything as usual? You’ll give people the wrong idea if you say stuff like that so easily.” You answered, closing your eyes with a sigh. Strange... shouldn't those words have relieved you?

It was silent for a minute and you opened your eyes to see why Jean hadn't said anything. 

Except for instead of seeing Jean’s face pondering a response as he stared at some random object in the room, your eyes opened just in time to see Jean’s eyelashes from a distant of less than a finger width.

It was brief – so quick that you hadn't even had the time to realize what exactly just took place before Jean’s face was once again at an appropriate distance from your own.

But the sensation reached your nerves and the signal clicked somewhere in your brain.

The small warmth you felt and the extreme red that painted Jean’s face all the way to his ear lobes.

“J-Jean... Are you an idiot? Did you just _kiss_ me?” You raised yourself as much as you could as an automated response. You suddenly became re-aware of Jean’s grip on your hand and felt the immediate need to separate and remove yourself from this horrible position from beneath the taller boy.

“Shut up. It’s not like I planned that or anything, okay? What are you expecting to happen when you just lay there with your eyes closed and your hand squeezing mine like that? I told you that you need to be more goddamn self-aware.” Jean removed himself from on top of you quickly but kept a seat on the ground, his eyes darting around the room as if he had dropped his weapons during a Titan invasion.

“So you just see someone let their guard down around you and you _kiss_ them? Are you even aware of how fucked up that sounds? You have to be the world biggest idiot, Jean. What the hell were you thinking?” You also kept your seat on the ground, now a few feet away from Jean. If you had thought your face burned earlier you could have started a fire from the heat in your cheeks at this moment.

Your mind was blank and yet filled with emotions at the same time. You couldn't think straight to sort through all of the feelings that suddenly seemed to have started a war within your head.

Anger seemed to be the one leading with embarrassment fighting alongside. Unease was present and there was definitely an army of fear that seemed to slowly take control of the tide with the help of panic and alarm. In contrast to their large numbers, however, there was another emotion. Lacking in soldiers but overwhelming in strength. What was it? 

That stupid feeling where your stomach feels fluttery and you can’t form the sentences that you want to because your mind is in such shambles. You feel hot and nauseous and your palms get all sweaty without having any damn reason to.

You didn't dare yourself to find out what it would call itself.

“I know that, okay? I know that. Why the hell did I just do that?” Jean was only half talking to you now as he stood from his spot; he seemed almost as shaken up as you did yourself. This only served to infuriate you more.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jean? You did something like that without even knowing _why_? I’m seriously going to murder you. Stand up so I can stab you. I’m going to get my weapons.” You stood up, somewhere between frantic and angry.

“Shut up. Just shut up for a second. I need to think. Why the fuck can’t I think? My mind feels so damn blank all of a sudden. ____, I just kissed you.” Jean stopped his mumbling to meet your eyes as he spoke his last sentence loudly.

“I don’t need a fucking reminder, Jean. I’m 100% going to kill you. Shut the fuck up and let me kill you.” You turned around and took a few steps away from Jean. You never wanted to run away from anything so badly in your whole life. 

“____!” Jean almost shouted your name and you paused where you stood. The room was quite for a moment as if time had stopped, until Jean suddenly straightened himself out. 

He let out a breath and then took a step towards you. And another.

You were still for a moment before it fully registered that he was now on his way towards you so you backed up. And again.

Sure enough, you hit the wall behind you and Jean now stood about a foot in front of you.

“I think I might seriously be in love with you.” 

“You’re insane. You’re batshit insane.” 

“No, I’m serious. ____, I think I might seriously be in love with you.” Jean spoke as he stared directly at you, unwavering.

“Don’t repeat it! Are you an idiot? Do you want to die?” You yelled in response. At the angle you were standing... it’d be difficult, but you could beat him to the ground if you really tried hard enough. Then you could easily kill him since there’s no way you two would ever be able to both live through this.

_Imagine the meals – we won’t be able to sit together and just chat. The classes – how am I supposed to study with this idiot? And the training...well, I might be able to spar with him if I get to kill him._

“Shut up and listen, then!” Suddenly Jean took another step towards you and his hand grabbed yours. You didn't have a chance to fight back before he pulled it upwards and placed it palm flat against the left of his chest.

“Listen. Feel that? I don’t think I need you to kill me if my own heart ends up exploding on itself.” You paused, staring at your hand as Jean held it in place with his own.

“I can’t. I can’t feel it properly.”

“Just shut up and do as I say already.”

“No, Jean. I can’t tell which is yours and which is mine. It’s like a constant pounding on both sides of a drum.” You spoke without thinking of your words anymore. It was impossible to focus, anyways.

“...” 

“...”

“____.” Jean spoke your name in that dumb, way-to-attractive sounding voice of his and your eyes wandered to your feet. One of you was surely going to die tonight, that much was certain. There was no way you’d ever be able to look him in the eyes again.

“Jean. Just... stop. I can’t think. I can’t think of a single goddamn thing. Do you realize that there’s no way that I can possible get a proper sleep tonight anymore? Or ever again, probably. Do you even realize what it is you’re saying?” You lifted your gaze from the floor, desperately pleading your case. Jean stared back at you as if searching your eyes for something important.

“Yeah. You’re right. It’s late. It’s really late. Let’s just go to sleep for now. Maybe we’ll be able to think better in the morning.” Jean agreed, giving a small pat on your head before turning around.

Except he headed for your bed and not the exit.

“Jean, there is no way you’re sleeping here if that’s what you thinking. Go back.”

“It’s late. I’m too tired.”

“Jean. Listen to me. No. Go back.”

“... Yeah, you’re right. I doubt I’ll get any sleep if you’re beside me anyways. I’ll see you in the morning, then.” You nodded in reply, thankful that Jean gave in for once in his life.

“If you need me for anything, though... don’t hesitate because of this, okay? I’ll be in my room. Probably just as sleep-deprived as you, honestly.” Jean gave a dry laugh before making his way towards the door.

“Yeah, I won’t. See you at breakfast.” 

“Goodnight, ____.”

“Goodnight, Jean.”


	16. Chapter 6.2

Morning came all too quickly and the events from the night before were still vivid in your head. You thought that maybe you had been able to sleep for, at most, the collective amount of an hour but your thoughts were in such disarray that you weren't sure whether you had been dreaming or just lost inside your own head. 

You were tired. The sun shone too brightly and the birds were way too loud for anyone’s ears. Who was it that told them to it was okay to start making a ruckus like that, anyways? Didn't they know they weren't the only inhabitants on this piece of shit rock you all lived on? Someone should have taught them manners.

You pulled yourself out of bed and got dressed, consistently sighing with every few steps you took. You paused, taking a seat at the desk in your room. Your eyes fell silently on the pages from the book still sprawled out in the same position from nights before.

_Sorry, Marco. I haven’t been able to read any further yet._

You lifted a hand, tracing the words in the same way you had seen Jean do so the other day. What had he been looking for? The letters were flat and you couldn't feel anything particularly striking about the paper. You let out a sigh, slumping your hand back down at your side.

_I’ll finish it soon, okay? There are just some things I have to deal with first to clear my head. I promise I’ll get back to it soon._

You let out another sigh and your head began to think back to last night. If only you had been able to get some proper rest so that you could have at least pretended the whole thing was some bad nightmare. Life was never that kind, though.

Was it safe to leave your room? It was early enough that there wasn't going to be a crowd... but honestly you might be better off if there was one.

_If I go now I might be able to avoid running into Jean before he wakes up. But if he’s like me, he might already be there trying to get some coffee... If I wait and end up running into him, wouldn't I have to eat breakfast with him? That’s impossible. Maybe I should just wait until the last minute? If he heads to class at a normal time then I should be able to avoid him at least until lunch. But I’ll run the risk of being late..._

Your thoughts stopped for a moment when you realized something. Were you really this stressed out because of _Jean_? Somehow it made you angry that you were forced to put this much thought into getting breakfast just because he decided he had lost his damn mind.

You lifted yourself up from the chair, looking determined as you marched your way out of your door and through the hallways. There’s no reason for anyone to dictate when you should and when you shouldn't eat, right? So screw worrying about all that. 

You opened the large doors in front of you and your eyes darted across all corners of the room. Despite walking into the room as if you had all the confidence in the world, you let out an enormous sigh at the realization that your impending doom with long legs and nice hair was nowhere to be seen. 

You grabbed yourself a meal and sat down, practically forcing down the food as if you were now the infamous Sasha Blouse. It’s not like you planned on avoiding Jean forever or anything... but you weren't ready to deal with the guy just yet. Just the thought of him was enough to make your blood start boiling and your body temperature rise. The worst part was that you couldn't figure out if it was because of anger or something else entirely. 

Yeah, now just wasn't the time. There were still too many thoughts you had to sort out first. You had to think of a solution still. 

Was it possible to just pretend last night never happened? Would Jean even let you do that? 

Of course not. He’d say you were just running and avoiding again and force you to listen. He’d say those horrible things in that nasty tone and force you to open your eyes to all the things you turned away from. He’d have you on the verge of self-destruction one second and then flip the script completely and make you realize all of things you’d hidden. Just like he always did.

You finished your meal and quickly made your way into the long hallways once more. There was still plenty of time left before you were all scheduled to meet outside so you decided to head towards the other side of the building, hoping to hide away and get some fresh air before starting the day. 

You found a small shaded area and took a seat on the grass, leaning your back against a tree. The cool breeze was refreshing against your weary skin and you couldn't think of a better place to just sit alone. You’d be able to think here since it was so quiet and undisturbed.

Jean wasn't necessarily wrong with some of the stuff he pointed out yesterday; you really were still running away from almost everything. That’s probably what made you the most mad about it all.

You took a breath as you sat in silence and Jean’s words from yesterday flashed through your mind.

_“Don’t just run away again.”_

If you really did want to prove your own words, now was the time. This wasn't a problem you could escape away from at this point so it was time to get down to business. To show Jean and yourself.

_Problem One: Was Jean serious?_

You had spent most of the night focusing on that question already and after arguing with yourself from every point of view imaginable, you had already come up with an answer.

There’s no way those eyes were telling you a lie when he said those idiotic things. Jean wasn't a dishonest person by nature to begin with so it was unlikely he would say those words as some shitty joke, either. At the very least, in his crazy state of mind, Jean said he could be in love with you. And he meant it, too.

_Problem Two: In his madness, Jean had kissed you._

On the lips. He had pinned you underneath him and placed his lips on yours before then deciding to confess his possible feelings towards you.

Your heart definitely changed its pace at the memory and that was enough to piss you off. Even if he really was in love with you or whatever, you were definitely not okay with the fact that he had just done as he pleased like that. Stealing was wrong and you would definitely have to make him pay you in full before the day was up. 

_Problem Three: How did you feel about Jean?_

There was no doubt he made your heart race. But that didn't necessarily mean you were in love with the guy, did it? What exactly were the conditions for “being in love” anyways? Where was the line between friendship and love? And where was the line between loving someone and being _in love_ with someone?

Even if you would never admit it to anyone out loud, you really didn't hate the brief warmth you had felt graze your lips yesterday evening. Did that mean you liked it? If it did, then did that mean you were in love with him?

No no no. That was just physical reactions that have nothing to do with it.

So then, what about your emotions? You could hardly sort them out no matter how hard you had thought about it last night; Anger, surprise, regret, fear, embarrassment, anxiety, nausea. And that was only the top of the list.

But... most of those things were negative, right? Does that mean you weren't in love with him? 

You remember reading once that love made humans feel every emotion in the spectrum. Did the bad ones count in that, too? A quiet voice from deep inside of you wanted to believe that they were included, too. Why? For some reason it hurt your chest when you thought about it.

_Problem Four: What did Jean expect from you?_

It was already clear that the issue of last night was not something that’d you be able to avoid easily. You had chased him out before any proper conversation had taken place so surely you would have to follow up today. But what did he expect? What did he want from you? What did he hope for?

Would he expect to hear your feelings in response? Would he want to take things further? Would he want to actually _date_ you and make you his _lover_? Would he want to do things like hold hands and kiss all the time? Would he be hoping you felt the same way?

Problem Three was still inconclusive so you wouldn't be able to answer him properly even if you wanted too, would you? Your chest felt tight at the possibility that your answers might not be the best suited for his questions. If they weren't... would you lose your best friend today?

_Problem Five: Knowing all of the above, how were you supposed to interact with Jean going forward?_

You hated the thought of losing the relationship you had built with him. There were definitely times when the guy drove you out of your mind but somehow you couldn't imagine what you would've been like without him anymore.

He had become such a huge part of your life in such a short time that it astounded even yourself. His brash personality was easily able to force its way through your barriers and you found yourself more comfortable around him by the day. He might have even surpassed Marco in terms of forcing you to open up against your will.

_Marco..._

Looking back on it now, if Jean hadn't been around you probably wouldn't have made it through losing Marco. You thought back to the night of his funeral where Jean talked to you for the first time; you were in so much pain that you even ended up crying in front of him. Normally you would've wanted to jump off of a cliff for just that, wouldn't you? Your pride was even worse before then it was today if you were being completely honest. Why did you let Jean comfort you that day in the first place? Had you always let your guard down around him so much? You were probably just that desperate for companionship, right?

Marco had been such an important existence to you that you felt lost without his presence. He was kind to you and held your hand. He had put up with your selfishness and still smiled each time he saw you. He cared for you in a way that you had never experienced before and you were sure that there was no one in the world who would ever be able to heal that void in your chest.

...And yet you spent most of your day smiling.

You were able to laugh and continue fighting. You were able to hold onto those tattered shreds of hope he left behind and there was even a part of you that truly believed in them. Before even realizing it had happened, you had goals and aspirations for yourself. You had dreams.

You wanted to work hard and accomplish the things you yearned for. You wanted to change the person that you had become so content with being for so long. You came to treasure the moments that you had spent with Marco instead of cursing the fact you had met him to begin with.

You were able to look back at your memories of him with happiness and fond feelings instead of pain and torment.

When did you get the confidence to do something like that?

You plucked a small piece of grass in hopes to busy your hands. They were suddenly warmer and you could feel the light layer of sweat just start to form. It felt as if a thick fog in your head started to clear suddenly as you realized one important detail.

There was someone who provided that confidence for you, wasn't there? The person who let you work on changing yourself while still letting you be the person you had always been. The person who picked up all the pieces you threw on the floor and placed them back in the palm of your hands.

Everything you had discarded along with the loss of Marco... Jean had somehow managed to restore it all without you even realizing it before this moment.

Suddenly Problem Three wasn't as inconclusive as you’d thought as you lifted yourself from the ground. Running away wasn't a viable option now anyways so instead you’d have to show off the progress you’d made. Even if it was just a by a tiny speck of a bit... you were sure that you were stronger now than you had been yesterday.

Training would be starting soon and Jean would be waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader made some progress in this chapter. Surprisingly without the help of Jean, too. That's a good thing, right? I apologize that in accordance with that, though, Jean didn't get to show up in this chapter. But things will definitely be interesting from here on out, I'm sure. 
> 
> This will be my last post before the year is up, as well, so I wish you all a Happy New Year. I also thank you for sticking it out with me until this point, I'm grateful for the support from each and every one of you <3.


	17. Chapter 6.3

From the looks of it, you were just in time as you ran up to the arranged spot where your other comrades were already standing. A squad leader by the name of Mike Zacarius glanced only briefly in your direction before continuing his conversation with the solider in front of him, concluding that you were indeed still safe from punishment. You leaned your hands onto your knees as you caught your breath from running full sprint from the other side of the grounds.

“Oh, so you did plan on showing up today, ____?” A voice called out to you and you stood up straight to meet the eyes of one Reiner Braun. He gave you a small wave in greeting, “You weren't around at breakfast at all and Jean said you weren't in your room either so we were all getting a little worried.”

“He came to find me?” You asked, ignoring almost the entirety of Reiner's other words.

“Huh? Of course he did. Who the hell do you think we’re talking about here? The guy could barely sit still during his meal to begin with and then he shot up the second he was done saying he would go get you since you hadn't shown up. He has absolutely zero patience, I’m telling you now. Even his eyes were racing between his breakfast and the main doors every few seconds.” Reiner let out a laugh as he described Jean’s actions.

“Yo, _____. Were you able to get yourself something to eat before making it here? Did you sleep in or something?” A very distinct voice came in from your right as Jean walked towards you and Reiner, shooting a small but noticeable glare in the other boy’s direction. Had he overheard the conversation or was he just annoyed by Reiner's presence near you?

“I was up early so I got breakfast and then left. Is that really something to worry about? I’m always up before most people here anyways, aren't I?” You looked up at Jean as you spoke but his eyes were still focused on Reiner, instead.

“There’s no need for you to glare at me so intensely, Jean. Are you jealous I got to ____ before you noticed she arrived?” Reiner asked with a grin.

“I’ll break your teeth before the end of the day I swear, Reiner. Anyways, who said I was worried about ____ to begin with? I was just trying to get away from your stupid remarks earlier so I left.” Jean’s eyebrows furrowed together farther as he spoke, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Ah, so you were listening then. It’s not good to eavesdrop, Jean.” Reiner backed up slightly as he spoke, still grinning. “I’ll leave you two alone so try to get rid of that scary face already, okay?”

Reiner gave one final taunt before leaving Jean and you standing in silence as you watched him make his way back into the crowd. 

“Don’t you think you’re taking things a little far, Jean?” You spoke up when Jean didn't turn to face you.

“I know that already. He was completely doing that on purpose, though, so of course it’s going to piss me off. He’s literally been at it all morning.” Jean spoke over his shoulder.

“I don’t think he means any real harm, though. Why not just let it go? Come on, we should start stretches.” You let out a sigh as you looped your arm through Jean’s, dragging him forward. You paused, though, when Jean ripped his arm from yours almost immediately.

“Ah, nothing. It’s nothing, sorry. Let’s go.” Jean looked away awkwardly for a second before starting to walk again. You took a few quick steps to catch up to him, peaking at his face as he looked attentively ahead of himself.

“Are you scared to touch me now or something? Even I don’t try to escape from that little amount of physical contact.” You spoke after a few seconds of silence.

“What’re you going on about? You’re overreacting.” Jean refused to turn his head towards you even as he spoke.

“I’m overreacting? Talk about projecting. _Please_ tell me you’re not going to keep this up for long because I’m telling you right now that it’s not charming in the least. I thought I was supposed to be the one who ran away from everything?” You gave a loud sigh to emphasize your point. It almost felt as if your roles had been reversed for a moment as the conversation seemed backwards from your usual banter.

“Who the hell is trying to be charming or anything like that? I was just surprised because you so rarely do things like that. Shut up about it already.” Jean finally met your eyes as he raised his voice only slightly, careful not to attract attention from the others around you. 

“Oh, that was brave of you. See, I don’t bite do I? You won’t keel over just by meeting my eyes or anything you know.” You felt like you wanted to pay him back for all of the times he had put you in this position so you continued to tease him. 

“Really? I thought for sure I’d be a dead man the second I saw you today. I’m surprised you’re talking to me at all.” Jean spoke more casually than you had expected, ruining your streak then and there. He stopped at a somewhat empty space and began to stretch his legs and you followed his example quickly.

“That would explain the dumb attitude. Well, I guess it’s better than having you attack me like yesterday. And at least you’re not avoiding me completely, either, so I’ll forgive you for it this time.” You had been reaching over to touch your feet as a part of your stretch but paused when you lifted your face, seeing Jean staring back at you. His eyes were slightly wider than usual and he looked practically dumbfounded.

“What the hell is with that look? I’ll seriously punch you if you don’t stop.” You spoke again.

“I’d knock you out before you get a chance. Anyways, when have I ever avoided you? I think you’re confused between the two of us.” Jean gave half a chuckle as he pulled an arm behind his back, tugging on it with the other. “You’re being pretty honest today, though, aren't you? I thought for sure you were planning on pretend that yesterday didn't happen or something stupid like that. So you really weren't running away from me this morning, then?”

“What kind of person do you think I am, Jean? I’m really not pathetic enough to just act like it didn't happen. Your image of me is totally wrong.” _Even though I did think about it earlier._

“I wouldn't go that far. By the way, did you get some sleep last night? You should take it easy if you’re not up to it today.” Jean seemed concerned despite his condescending tone.

“I know my limits so I’ll be okay. Besides that, there’s some stuff we should probably talk about. Why don’t you drop by my room tonight?” Your invitation seemed to send Jean into shock once more.

“Huh? You’ll actually let me back in there? Who are you, anyways? The ____ I know is definitely not this bold.” Jean regained himself a little quicker this time but was clearly being cautious of your attitude.

“I keep telling you that you’re wrong so just get over it already. You have stuff you need to say, too, don’t you?” You gave a small glare in Jean’s direction.

“...Yeah. I’ll come by.” Jean nodded in response.

“Okay, line up every one! We’ll be doing a quick run shortly so I’ll explain the route we’re going to take.” A superior office spoke loudly from his position beside the squad leader from earlier.

“Try not to be late, okay? I want to be able to get so sleep on time today if possible.” You spoke in Jean’s direction before turning your body and heading towards the line that had began to form. You didn't look back but you could hear Jean’s footsteps shuffling quickly behind yours as he took his spot beside you.

“I’ll be there. Just don’t get mad and kick me out again today.” Jean’s hand placed itself on top of your head, giving a light ruffle of your hair as he spoke his words only loud enough for you to hear. 

You nodded in response as you pushed his hand off of your head lightly. His turned his face forward and you could hear him let out a small sigh. You glanced sideways from the corner of your eyes in time to see a small, almost unnoticeable smile form on Jean’s face. Was he relieved?

You returned your eyes to their forward position as you felt your own lips begin to curl upwards ever so slightly. Even if he wasn't, you sure as hell were.

It felt as if you had wasted your entire night worrying for no reason since it almost felt like a normal day. Jean had approached you just as he always had and you had been able to speak to him casually just like any other day. You had even been able to say what was on your mind, honestly and without hesitation.

You were nervous and yet you didn't feel flustered anymore. You knew exactly what you wanted to say and felt like you had to say it. You weren't sure if how things would turn out by the end of the day but you didn't feel the fear like you had yesterday. Even if things didn't go exactly the way you expected you felt confident that things would work out in the end.

Besides, Jean always had a trick or two up his sleeve to make sure that happened, didn't he? Maybe that was why you gained assurance from him so easily. Thinking back on it, there really wasn't a time when he had let you down, was there? He worked hard to make sure things always had a suitable resolution and he always succeeded. It was remarkable, really. 

There was no telling how things would go later on today but you found yourself hoping that you would be able to do something as remarkable as he always did. You hoped that, even if it was just a little, you would be able to provide Jean with the same sort of assurance and confidence that he had provided you. 

You still owed him from all the times he supported you, anyways. It was time to repay debts. 

For the first time in a long time, you felt genuinely cheerful about the day before you.


	18. Chapter Seven

The day had passed without any major interruptions and the sun had already set upon the building you had all been living in since joining the Survey Corps. You were done with your chores and after a quick shower and dinner you made your way back to your own room, striping off your jacket and harnesses. You took a seat at the small desk, grabbing your glasses and placing them on your face carefully. You weren't sure when Jean would show up but you thought that you could do some reading in the meantime. It’d been far too long since you had made any progress and it’s not like you just planned on pacing back and forth until he came or something stupid like that. Just because you had realized a few things, that didn't mean you were going to let your pride go so easily.

Before you were able to lay your eyes upon a single word, though, a knock pounded loudly on your door. 

You stood up from the desk and opened the door to see Jean standing on the other side, just as expected. Besides a few random strands around the back of his head, his hair fell almost completely flat on his head for the first time.

“You’re pretty early. Did you get to eat dinner?” You moved aside to let him in, closing the door as he moved past you; the strong scent of soap and shampoo filled the room as he did so.

“Yeah, I ate before I took a shower. Were you reading or something?” Jean asked, making his way towards the desk on which the book lay.

“I was about to before you showed up. I haven’t been able to get much further than I was a few nights ago so I figured I’d do some reading while I waited.” You were about to follow behind him but instead of staying by the desk, Jean grabbed the chair and made his way towards the bed instead. He placed it down and took a seat, facing towards you as you still stood a few feet from the door. 

“Ah, so I interrupted? My bad. You said not to be late so I thought it’d be better if I just came straight here after finishing up everything for the day.” Jean replied as you made your way towards the bed and took a seat on the edge, a few feet between your position and Jean’s.

“It’s nothing to apologize for. Your hair is still wet, by the way.” You pointed it out as if Jean didn't already know about the fact. For a fragment of a second you had the thought that he looked surprisingly good with his hair was like that. 

“It’ll dry on its own so it’s fine. Your glasses are still on, too.” Jean pointed towards your face and you realized you had left them on when you gotten up from your desk. You reached your hands upwards, sliding the frames off of your face and tossing them beside the pillow.

“Thanks.” You replied. The room was quiet as neither of you knew how to start the conversation that had been postponed all day until this moment. There were plenty of things that you wanted to say, of course, but you couldn't think of any way to transition into it.

“Well...” Jean let out a sigh as he broke the silence, “I guess I’ll start. First, I should apologize for surprising you like the last night. It doesn't really seem like it, but are you still as mad as you were yesterday?”

“I’m not mad.” You shook your head, saying only that as you decided to let him continue.

“... Next, I want you to know that I really didn't plan that out or anything like that. I really didn't mean to just kiss you all of a sudden. It’s reasonable to get mad at something like that.” Jean seemed a little nervous but he spoke clearly still, his eyes locked on yours.

“You make it sound like not planning it out makes it a good thing. I’m not mad, though.” You reassured, smiling ever so slightly at him.

“T-that’s not what I meant. Besides that, I should say something else... I thought about it last night and there are some things I should make clear before you start. Most importantly is that I meant what I said last night. I understand that it’s not something you’re okay with and that you’re angry but I've realized it already so I can’t help it now. I like you in a way that goes well beyond friendship, _____. I mean that. I want you to at least know that much before I say anything else.”

“Yeah, I figured that out. I’m not mad.” 

“...You’re not mad?” Jean seemed on guard as he stared back at you.

“I’m really not mad. Stop giving me that dumb look already.”

“No, it’s just... you’re lying, right? You’re definitely going to try to throw me around or something again. I said I understand so why not just tell the truth?”

“You’re really starting to piss me off, Jean. I said I’m not mad so that means I’m not mad, okay? Or are you some kind of masochist and want to make me angry?” You snapped back at him, although non-aggressively. 

“I’ll pass, thanks.” Jean let out a breath of relief followed by a small chuckle, “I really can’t imagine you would make a good sadist though. Not that I’m into getting dominated, anyways.”

“Don’t imagine it to begin with! Are you seriously an idiot, Jean?” You raised your voice slightly to emphasize your point.

“Is that embarrassing? But you brought it up first. And you did mount me for a while yesterday, too, so I thought maybe you were into that kind of stuff.” Jean was obviously teasing you now. You realized that this was the reason your roles had seemed reversed earlier in the day; Jean’s usual taunting and teasing had been missing. Was he really that worried? You smiled as you realized how he must have been being cautious for your sake.

“Oh, I see you’re still mad about that. I’ll be more gentle next time so don’t worry. Did you get hurt? Poor Jean.” You teased him back in response.

“There’s never going to be a next time; that was a fluke and you know it. As if someone your size could beat me without some cheap tricks.” Jean remarked with a small furrow of his brows.

“Cheap tricks? Well now, I do believe poor little Jean is pouting isn't he? I’ll teach it to you if you’re really that jealous.”

“Nobody is pouting. You’re going insane, idiot.”

“Who was it that said they were in love with who again? You’d have to be crazy to be in love with someone you think is going insane. What kind of life are you living, Jean?”

“Shut up – I said I _could_ be in love with you, okay? It’s different.”

“You also said that your feelings are well beyond that of friendship. Is that different as well? Explain it to me, Jean.”

“____, could it be that you really are a sadist? Trying to make me say something like that twice is just playing dirty.”

“I’ll seriously take you down again if you keep saying stuff like that.” You shot a glare towards Jean but then let out a small laugh at the baffled look that he was wearing. Jean smiled in response.

This was definitely what was missing earlier. It just wasn't the same without the usual back and forth between you two. There was no way you’d be able to just go back to your life without it, could you? It was definitely impossible. 

“I’ll explain it to you if you really want me to, though.” Jean spoke suddenly, regaining your attention. He looked straight at you again and wore a soft smile that almost didn't suit his usual manner. Had anyone else ever seen the brash, abrasive Jean Kirstein with a look like that before?

“Jean, there’s stuff I have to say as well. You’re so annoying that I nearly forgot we were having a serious conversation.” It was actually true, as well. You had been so distracted by Jean’s banter that you had almost forgotten about everything you had wanted to tell him in return.

“I think you mean charming, ____. My bad. I’ll listen so go ahead. But before you start, can I say one more thing?” You nodded and Jean continued, his smile turning into a serious expression instead. “I won’t be mad at you. I thought about it last night but something like this is probably too sudden for you to grasp, let alone anything else beyond that. I understand your relationship with Marco, too, so I know that I can’t expect anything from you. You don’t have to feel obligated to answer my feelings or anything like that so it’s okay. I won’t be mad. To be honest, I’m pretty content with the way things are now anyways so it’s not like I need anything from you, either. Our relationship won’t change from what it’s always been so you don’t have to worry about anything.”

Jean gave half a smile as he finished. What was with that expression he had? It was somewhere between hurt and self-loathing. It was a look you knew all too well.

Was that really the kind of face you were supposed to make when you said something like that?

It didn't suit him.

Was this the trick he had up his sleeve to find a solution? What kind of solution would that be, anyways? It was the same as acting like the whole thing didn't happen.

Why would he say something like that? Was he trying to look out for you? To give you a way out? Since when was the Jean you knew that kind of guy?

You didn't say anything for a while as you looked back into his eyes. You felt like you had seen that look once before; that unpleasant expression of constriction and loss. It was as if he had given up before the game had even started. As if he expected there was no way to win so why bother. Was this really the same Jean that had been providing you with assurance all this time? Where did all of his confidence go?

“You’re really annoying, Jean.” You spoke, sounding more bitter than you had intended. Jean looked taken aback by your sudden statement but then regained that same damn, so obviously fake smile.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” He responded clearly and you wished you could have punched his mouth right in. Since when did Jean _apologize_ for saying what he felt? Maybe if you hit him hard enough he would snap back into his usual self.

“I’m seriously going to rip your tongue out if you don’t shut the fuck up. What the fuck is with that, anyways? You’re definitely trying to piss me off.” You stood up from your spot on the bed causing Jean to stand as well. He stared at you, not saying a word.

“In what world does Jean Kirstein back down so quickly?” You snapped. You hadn't even had the chance to say all of the things you had wanted to before a fight had started.

“In a world where he doesn't want to be the guy who fell in love with his best friend’s girl.” Jean spoke up suddenly and you paused. It wasn't just for your sake that he was holding himself back but for Marco as well. He had completely made the decision to back down already, hadn't he? You could feel your chest tightening.

“You’re dumb. You are so incredibly dumb. To start things off, please don’t refer to me as if I was somebody’s _property_. And are you really okay with just giving up like that?” Your room seemed to be an ignition for fights with Jean, didn't it?

“Do you think I _enjoy_ this? I’m not happy about this whole situation, either, you know? That’s why it’s better if we just pretend like it didn't happen! Isn't this better for you, anyways? I’m making it easier for you. This way you don’t have to actually reject me and I don’t have to hear it. We can still spend time together and talk without things becoming awkward. It’s the best solution so why are you mad?”

“Who said I would have rejected you? I swear if you have talent for one thing it is definitely a talent for making me want to kill you.” You understood his reasons clearly and yet your blood was still boiling at his every word.

“...You would. It’s plain as day how much you care for Marco even now and I don’t want to compete with those feelings. Fucking shit; I’m seriously jealous of my dead best friend. How shitty can a person be?” Jean’s voice shook slightly as it his words came out laced with self-hatred. Is that how had you sounded, as well? It was how you had felt, that was for sure.

You felt the undeniable urge to punch the boy in front of you straight in the gut - and out of pure anger, you did exactly that. It was so unexpected that Jean had no time to dodge or block your attack as your tightly clenched fist connected with excessive force to the center of his abdomen. Jean clutched his stomach as he fell backwards onto the bed.

“What the fuck was that for, ____? Are you seriously insane? That hurt like a bitch!” Jean barked up at you as you glared at him. You snapped your eyes away from his and grabbed the chair he had been sitting on earlier, pulling it forward and setting it straight in front of where Jean was now sitting on the bed. You pulled one leg over it and took a seat, facing directly at Jean with less than an arm’s length between you two.

“You’re lucky I didn't go any further than just that. If you keep spouting bullshit like that I swear I’ll break a rib next time.” You spoke in a regular volume but your tone was toxic. “Are you ready to listen now?”

“Why bother asking if you aren't going to give me a choice to begin with? Say whatever you want already.” Jean spoke in a hostile manner in response. Understandable, though, considering you had just unexpectedly socked him in the stomach.

“Then just listen.” You let out a sigh, “I said that I had things I wanted to say, too, didn't I? You could have at least let me get through them before you started a fight.”

“How was I supposed to know you were going to punch me out of nowhere all of a sudden? I keep saying I was trying to make things easier!” Jean spoke with his hand still wrapped around his stomach as if trying to protect it from another possible blow. 

“Shut up already, Jean! I punched you because you kept talking in the first place.” You waited for Jean to stop glaring at you before continuing, “I don’t know how to do things like this, okay? I’m always the one being comforted so I don’t know how I’m supposed to comfort someone else. That’s why I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do in this situation but-”

“I told you already that it’s fine! No one asked for your comfort so just leave it alone. Who the hell would want to be consoled by the girl that turned them down, anyways? I already told you that I’m not a fucking masochist.”

“That’s why I keep saying shut up already, Jean! Who the hell turned you down? I don’t remember ever saying anything like that so can’t you just let me talk already?” You raised your voice once more as you started to feel angry again. Jean really needed to learn to stop talking every once and a while. 

“I didn't mean it like that but since you’re too stupid to hold a proper conversation, I guess I’ll start there.” You took a breath and locked your eyes with his, “I like you, Jean. Well beyond the line of friendship. I’m not exactly the best person for these kinds of things so I can’t say I know what exactly that means and I don’t really get the specifics of it all but I care about you much more than you seem to think, at least. You are much more than just a friend to me. I said I wasn't mad, right? I’m actually sort of happy, honestly. Even if I don’t really know why. I can’t explain it and I don’t have the right words but I mean it, Jean.”

“...Do you know what the hell you’re even saying?” Jean spoke after a moment of silence. He seemed somewhat in disarray; his voice came out somewhere between angry and flustered all at the same time. “...You’re an idiot. Did you even think about the consequences of saying something like that? It’s not funny even as a joke.” 

“Do you really think I would make a shitty joke like that? I thought about it already so it’s fine.” Your voice, on the other hand, was firm and concrete. You paused as you waited for Jean to say something in response but his retort never came. You let out another sigh when you realized that he probably didn't plan on saying anything at all.

“I get it, Jean. I know why you thought it’d be easier to just let it go and pretend like nothing happened. But I've realized it already so I can’t help it now, right?” You quoted his words from earlier in order to solicit some sort of response from him but he still said nothing. So you continued, “I don’t want to just let it go like that. You’re not wrong about a lot of stuff so I can understand why you’re worried about my feelings for Marco. In fact, I appreciate the fact that you would put them ahead of your own like that... but that’s not what I want. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I chose to escape like that, anyways.”

“Aren't you the one always running away, though? I’m giving you the opportunity so why not take it?”

“I promised I’d get stronger, didn't I? I’ll get myself killed if I keep running away like that all the time.”

“Stop repeating the stuff I said just to make some shitty point. I get it. You already thought about it.”

“You’re an idiot so you wouldn't understand unless I made it simple for you, though. Isn't that right?” You smiled at Jean from your seat in the chair as he met your eyes. He stared back at you for a few moments with his eyes fixated on yours before letting out a sigh.

“I told you before that an idiot shouldn't call someone else an idiot. So then? What now?” Jean’s sudden question took you by surprise for a brief second but you were able to regain yourself quickly.

“I don’t know. I already said that I don’t really get the specifics like that so I don’t know. What do you think?”

“How the hell should I know? Don’t ask stupid questions like that.”

“But you’re the one who confessed. Isn't there something you were hoping for? Like that we’d start dating or something like that?” You hardly knew what you were saying anymore as you saw a light color begin to fill Jean’s cheeks.

“Are you an idiot? I already told you that it’s not like I planned for all that to happen yesterday. The words just came out so it’s not like I thought about what would come afterwards.” Jean’s tone was once again a cross between irritation and embarrassment as he snapped out a response.

“But you kissed me. Doesn't that mean something?” You kept your eyes on Jean but he broke away, placing his eyes on a random spot on the wall instead.

“S-shut up already. I didn't plan that either.”

“You know, that really makes you sound like some sort of weird pervert. Kissing someone just because their lips happened to be close by is pretty creepy, I think.”

“It’s not like that either! It just happened, okay? It’s not like I would do it to just anyone.” Jean snapped his eyes back towards yours with his response.

“So I’m special? How kind; I’m touched.” You were starting to get annoyed by his excuses. Not that you were really someone who should be getting mad about another’s evasiveness, though.

“If I punch you in the stomach will you shut up? It’ll be payback so that we’re even.” Jean looked almost completely serious as he asked the question.

“We’re already even. You unexpectedly kissed me so I unexpectedly punched you. Isn't that fair?” You mimicked his serious expression in response.

“In what world is that a fair trade?”

“In a world where the two worst possible people to start a relationship fell for each other?”

“There’s no way you know what you’re saying. You realize that you’re practically confessing to me, right?” Jean seemed genuinely perplexed by the situation now.

“That was the point, Jean. Could you do me a favor and realize that much already?” You looked directly at him in hopes of solidifying your words. Silence fell over the room as Jean stared back into your eyes, as if searching for any hint or small trace of a lie. 

“Fine, I got it. Then as for what comes next... saying something like 'we’re dating' or whatever doesn't seem right though, does it? It’s not like we’re in any position to be going on dates or stuff like that in the first place. How does a relationship even work when you’re in the military? One of us could die any day, you know. It’s not like there are any guarantees in this world.”  Jean spoke seriously after seemingly pondering it over for a few minutes.

“Then what? We just leave things be? That doesn't feel quite right either, though.” You were absolutely sure that losing Jean would be detrimental to your life as it was now. He was the one who made things okay again so if he was gone... were you strong enough to move on without his help? You felt something akin to fear growing inside of you at the thought.

“Hey... let me try something really quick, okay? Don’t punch me for it this time.” Jean said suddenly as he grabbed your wrist and pulled you off of your seat in front of him and onto a new position beside him on the bed. “Sit still for a second.”

You hardly had the time to come up with a question before Jean’s free hand had found a place on your cheek. His face was a light shade red as he leaned forward, stopping only centimeters away from your lips.

You could feel his breath on your skin and your cheeks felt suddenly warmer. He was definitely going to kiss you again, wasn't he? Why just stop like that? Didn't he realize that it made things worse when he did that? Did you _want_ your heart to burst or something?

As your eyes were focused solely on the lips in front of you they suddenly retracted. Jean’s hand removed itself from your cheek as he pulled away, sitting up straight again.

“W-what are you doing, Jean?” You managed to speak up through your suddenly constricted throat muscles. You hated this nervousness more than anything else and you could hear your heart pounding thunderously against your chest.

“Sorry. Just... isn't this a bad idea? Do you think Marco would hate me for this? I want to kiss you, ____. I want to be able to do things like hold your hand and hug you without feeling so guilty just at the thought. It’s not fair that he’s gone, ____. If he was still here I could at least compete with him on even grounds... but it almost feels like I’m stealing you or something.” Jean’s thumb rubbed itself lightly against the back of your hand as he spoke before he let go, cupping his hands together on his lap instead.

“Then... do you want to stop? Should we just give up and let it be?” You weren't sure how you felt about the situation when he put it like that. Was your falling in love with Jean a betrayal to your feelings for Marco? You understood the guilt Jean was speaking of all too well.

“I can’t lie and say that sounds like a bad idea. It would probably be for the best when you think about it logically.” Jean’s smile was plastered with pity. For who? Himself? You?

“You’re not wrong... but is that really okay? For some reason the idea of just letting it go makes me a little angry.” You spoke your thoughts openly without having planned to say them out loud. 

“Who knew falling in love was such a pain in the ass, huh?” Jean placed his hands on either side of his body and leaned his head towards the roof. You suddenly noticed more pieces of his hair had begun to stand up as they dried. You found yourself wondering if it would still be damp or not.

“What are you doing, ____?” Jean asked in shock as you suddenly found yourself placing a hand through his hair. It felt soft on your fingertips as you ruffled it gently.

“It’s fluffier than I thought it would be. I never knew it was this thick, either.” Jean snapped his head back straight in response to your unexpected actions, slipping out from underneath your fingers.

“I don’t think this is the time to be admiring my hair, ____. I don’t understand what the hell goes on in your head sometimes.” Jean placed his elbow on his knee and hid his face in his palm. How long had it been since you’d seen him do that? You remembered the first time you noticed his little habit and how you had thought it reminded you of a small animal. Thinking about it now... had you been falling for Jean this entire time?

“As I thought, I really don’t want to just let it go. I think I’m really in love with you, Jean. Maybe more than I thought in the beginning.” You gave an awkward smile at the realization. Jean stared at you, eyes wide at your incredibly unexpected statement. 

You were curious as to whether or not your face was as red as it felt underneath Jean’s intense gaze. Your chest felt tight and you half wished that you hadn't said those words out loud at all.

“You’re insane.” Jean spoke up abruptly, his hand landing on the back of your neck and pulling you forward. You were about to speak again but before you could open your mouth, Jean’s lips were sealed with yours.

Your eyes were still wide open as Jean’s other hand found a spot around your hips, pulling you closer towards his body. Finally getting over the initial shock, your eyes fluttered closed as you kissed him back. You could feel the warmth of his breath on your face and his hand felt hot even through your clothing.

You heard rustling as Jean changed his position, slowly lowering your body onto the bed without breaking away his mouth from yours. You opened your eyes when he finally pulled away and you were met with Jean’s face looking down on yours. You could see the color from his cheeks had spilled over to his ears and his heart beat was strong enough for you to feel through his hands. Or was that just your own?

“Even though I was the one who said we should stop...” Jean’s voice trailed off as his body lowered itself onto yours. His face fell into your neck as you could feel the full brunt of his body mass on top of your own.

“You’re heavy, Jean.” You didn't know what else you could say, honestly. It was getting harder to swallow and you weren't sure if it was from Jean’s weight or just your own exceedingly high tension level. Your stomach felt like it had tied itself in a knot and you were actually thankful that Jean wasn't staring at your surely increasingly red face.

“Apparently not heavy enough since you threw me around yesterday. My stomach hurts too much to keep myself up so stop complaining. I can’t think clearly as it is.” You could feel Jean’s warm breath against the nape of your neck with every muffled word he spoke. Was it possible to get a fever if your body temperature got too high? You closed your eyes, trying to distract yourself from the sensation but every damn place Jean touched was already burning.

“I said I wanted to get to sleep on time today but that’s probably impossible, right? I feel like my heart rate is never going to go back to a normal speed.” You let out a sigh as you said the first thing that came to mind in hopes of starting a conversation. Your eyes shot open suddenly, though, when you felt a hand clamp itself firmly over your mouth.

Jean had lifted his face and glared at you from the corner of his eyes.

“Don’t say things like that. You realize that I am a _guy_ , right? I was trying to stop myself so I told you to shut up.” Jean lifted his hand from your mouth and rolled his body over to the side, his body facing the roof above you. You turned your head towards him to see him place his arms loosely overtop of his eyes.

“That’s a bad hiding spot, Jean. I can still see the flush on your face like that so it doesn't really help you.”

“You’re one to talk. You realize your ears are bright pink, right? It’s fucking adorable so stop it.”

“S-shut up. I give up. No more talking.” You turned your head back towards the roof at a loss of what else to do. There’s no way you could win anymore.

“Too bad; I have something to say so listen.” You glanced out of the corner of your eyes but Jean didn't remove his arms from his face as he continued, “I have an idea. I really don’t think it’s possible to just go back to being friends at this point anyways, so let’s have a trial run? One month. When we go on our first expedition beyond the walls next month we’ll call it quits. Until that day, though, let’s try the whole 'dating' thing. Just to see how it goes.”

“A relationship with an expiry date? What happens after that, then? Do we go back to be friends? Is that even possible, honestly?” You weren't sure if Jean even made sense at this point. Wasn't this just a half measure?

“Can we cross that bridge when we come to it? My mind is fucking blank.”

“I think it’s the most important issue, Jean. If this means that I’m going to lose your friendship then I don’t want it. I’d rather have you in my life as just a friend for years to come rather than as a lover for one month. I’m in love with you, Jean, but I’m not an idiot.” It would be hard, sure, but you would much rather live through the awkwardness then have to live without him completely. It’s not like you were completely dependent on him or anything... but having your best friend leave your life wasn't a pleasant thought at the least and you knew that much. 

“I’m not going to leave you alone that easily so you’re still an idiot for thinking about it like that. But just think what I mean for a second – if one of us doesn't make it back from outside of the walls... wouldn't it be better to prepare for the worst? I’ll definitely get myself killed if I’m only thinking about you out there. What I meant was that if we both do make it back that we can see how we feel about things. As in, if we want to continue the relationship or not... I never said I’d stop being a part of your life afterwards, idiot.” Jean turned his body to look you in the eyes again as he spoke; his eyes completely serious.

“You talk about it like we’re going to renew a contract.”

“You’re wrong. Like I said, this month is just the trail. We only sign the contract after we make it back.”

“Is that supposed to make it sound better?” You couldn't help but feel nervous.

“It is. That’s why you better make it back alive. Promise me you will.” Jean lifted himself onto his elbow and placed his other hand onto your cheek again, pulling your face to look at his. Ah, it seems he found that confidence again. Who was the person that said there were no guarantees in this world earlier?

“... Yeah. I promise. I accept your shitty deal, too, so you better come back as well.” You knew that a promise like this was probably near impossible to keep and yet you still felt reassurance at the smile that formed on Jean’s face at your words.

“I promise.” Jean placed his lips on your without hesitation this time, softly sealing the promise between you two.

As soon as your lips parted you lifted yourself up from your laying position, standing up from the bed and grabbing the chair that still sat in the way.

“What are you doing now?” Jean asked as he watched you pick the chair up and head towards the desk.

“Putting the chair back. You’ll probably break a toe on it in the morning if I leave it sitting beside the bed.” You had your glasses in hand as well and you put them carefully beside the book on top of the desk, replacing the chair in its original position. 

_In the end I didn't even make a little progress today, did I? I’m sorry, Marco. I’m being selfish._

Jean watched you linger for a second at the desk before you turned around and headed across the room. After flicking the lights off, you easily made your way back into the bed without issue. Jean had already raveled himself into the blankets and you crawled in, taking your spot beside him. 

You weren't sure if this was a good enough solution or not but you were sure you wouldn't have been able to think of a better one no matter how long you tried.

_Is it okay to be content with this? Will you hate me for being so self-centered?_

Jean’s arm wrapped itself around your waist and he pulled your body closer to his in a much-to-bold move for your first night as a “couple”. Before you had a chance to protest, though, you felt his lips place themselves ever so gently on the nape of your neck.

“Goodnight, ____.” Jean’s voice was just above a whisper.

“Mm. Goodnight, Jean.”

_I’m sorry... but I want to be a little selfish for now._


	19. Chapter 7.2

You woke up to the sound of shuffling and opened your eyes to see Jean lifting himself off of the bed. He seemed to notice your movements and turned his head to look back at you.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” He asked as he sat on the bed beside you. You sat up as well, giving a stretch of your arms.

“It’s fine. Aren’t you up pretty early, though?” You asked, giving a rub of your eyes to get rid of any drowsiness. There was light shining through the curtains but it seemed a little early to be getting ready for the day. You smiled to yourself when you realized that you had slept in well past your usual timing.

“Yeah but I figured I should get back to my room before there’s too many people around, right? Since I’m bad at lying and all.” Jean stood up again as he spoke and you followed his lead. Perhaps he noticed your expression because he spoke again, “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, actually. Do you think they’re serving breakfast yet? We should go grab something to eat after you get yourself ready.” You spoke casually as if you were already used to Jean being around in the morning. You suddenly remembered the events of last night, however, and realized that you and Jean were now, what most people would call, “lovers”. You felt your confidence drain away at the memory of all the embarrassing things you had said last night, cementing your feelings for Jean.

“Sure, I’ll be quick then. You should start getting ready as well. Do you have any idea how hilarious your hair looks in the morning, by the way?” Jean gave as chuckle as he placed a hand on the top of your head, ruffling your hair further.

“Can’t you just leave without talking shit? You never change do you, Jean? Although I guess that might actually be a good thing.” You pushed Jean’s arm from your head and began to walk away from him but were forced to stop in your tracks. Jean’s arms wrapped themselves around your waist from behind, pulling you against his chest and resting his chin on your shoulder lightly.

“I’m your boyfriend now, you know? Aren’t you supposed to give me a kiss goodbye or something before kicking me out?” Jean’s voice was soft as he spoke next to your ear, causing a blush to color your cheeks lightly at the warmth of his breath against your skin.

“Don’t say embarrassing stuff like that, Jean. Besides, isn’t it sort of a fake relationship anyways? Since you said it’s just a trial and all.” You tried to wiggle your way out of his arms but his grip tightened, keeping you in place.

“You’re an idiot. Since when does trying something out mean it’s not real? Just in case you’re confused – you and I are a ‘couple’ now. Lovers. I gave you plenty of chances to run away last night so don’t you dare try to escape from that now.” Jean’s voice was sharp as he placed his hands on your waist, turning your body so that you were now facing him. 

“I-I’m not trying to run away. I know that much already.” You gave in a little, placing your forehead against Jean’s chest. Honestly, though, you might have just been trying to avoid looking in his eyes.

“Someone like you is bound to make me worry by default, though, don’t you think? Since you’re so damn evasive. You’re already trying to avoid looking straight at me.” Despite his words, Jean’s chin rested itself on the top of your head and prevented you from being able to look up at him anyways. Maybe he was actually a little nervous as well?

“Okay, I get it. Just don’t _say_ stuff like that outright, though. It’s embarrassing.” You shifted in Jean’s arms, trying to find a way to look at his face.

“I don’t think that was even half as embarrassing as some of the stuff that came out of your mouth yesterday.” Jean had a teasing grin on his face as he pulled his face away to meet your eyes again. Maybe you were wrong about his nervousness after all.

“S-shut up. Are you an idiot? Don’t remember it.” You tried to push out of his arms again but his grip was firm, keeping you securely in place.

“Why the hell would I forget it? You do realize that last night was the most honest you’ve ever been in your whole life, right? That’s worth memorizing all on its own.” Jean forced you to meet his eyes as he spoke, placing a hand on your chin to hold your place. Before you had the chance to take advantage of him removing an arm from your waist, though, your thoughts were halted by a pair of lips placing themselves on top of yours. You hardly had a chance to react, or even kiss him back, before he pulled away again and let go of your waist.

“You’re actually pretty cute when you’re honest, ____. I’ll see you at breakfast.” Jean gave a wave of his hand over his shoulder as he made his way out of the door, leaving you standing in the middle of the room with your eyes wide.

You were definitely wrong about him being nervous. If anything, you might have actually just made his ego worse.

You couldn’t help but smile at yourself as the door shut behind him; he was definitely back to himself again. That confidence suited the Jean Kristein you knew better than anything else.

You found yourself happy with the situation despite your previous nerves. With another quick stretch you started to get yourself dressed and ready for the day.

Maybe Jean’s idea wasn’t so shitty, after all.


	20. Chapter 7.3

The day had been progressing well. After a nice, peaceful breakfast with Jean in the morning you had gone to the assigned meeting room. Your lectures had been on strategy and albeit slow, they were enough to keep your interest. You had even been able to ignore Jean, who took a seat beside you and occasionally decided it would be more fun to play with a few stray strands of your hair rather than give his full attention. You decided that it would be less troublesome to just let him have his way for now and perhaps scold him for it later. The lectures were important, after all – although you were sure Jean knew that perfectly well himself.

Despite the good pace that your day had advanced so far, though, you now found yourself in a particularly troublesome situation. You weren't sure why you hadn't been expecting it – it was an obvious turn of events given the current situation. Why hadn't you thought ahead of time? If only you had the sense to stop the guy before you had gotten yourself caught in, what you could only call, such a troublesome situation.

You had taken a random seat with Jean at your side, eating your lunch in relative peace. Quickly, though, you found yourself circled in from all around. Connie, directly in front of you. Reiner stood to your right and you could feel the distinct presence of the giant Bertholdt behind you. To your left, on the other side of Jean, stood the Titan shifter boy Eren along with the somewhat timid Armin Arlet. In front of Jean and beside Connie was the ever-loud Sasha Blouse. You glanced over your shoulder, noticing the duo of Ymir and Christa had also come along to join the interrogation. Trailing in behind Eren and Armin, you also noticed that the infamous Mikasa Ackerman had also decided to make an appearance.

You really didn't have to ask to know where this was going. And how fucking troublesome it would be.

“Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell do you guys want?” Jean spoke with clear defence – obviously he didn't take kindly to being suddenly surrounded by a group of people either.

“Don't be so angry, Jean. I just heard some things from Connie and I had to see it for myself, is all.” Eren was the first to respond, a look of half confusion and disbelief very apparent on his face.

“And the rest of you? Don't tell me you need to be baby sat by the entirety of the 104th team now, Eren. Isn't Mikasa and Armin enough? You only have two hands to hold anyways.” Jean's voice was bitter and you noticed the way his fists balled themselves together underneath the table at the sound of Eren speaking.

“Actually we were kind of curious too, J-jean. Please don't be so mad.” The small girl named Christa spoke from behind you, taking a step forward to try to defuse the rising tension. More than the blonde haired girl, though, you noticed the taller girl behind her instead. The way she tensed up ever so slightly as she watched the small girl's movements – what was that look? It was so brief you couldn't catch it.

“Curious? Fine, then. Get it out already and then leave. I can't eat with this ugly mug staring right at me.” Jean spoke with a sigh, seemingly already tired with the situation.

“____, I want to ask you instead. Connie said that you two were practically a couple – but that can't be true, right? There's no way any girl would be interested in this horse.” Eren took a step past Jean and you tensed at the sudden call of your name. Before you had a chance to respond of even think of something to say, though, Jean was already on his feet and standing between the Titan boy and yourself.

“Try saying that again, Eren. Out of the two of us, aren't you the one who's the less human?” You raised yourself from the table as well, sighing at the realization that things were probably just getting worse by the second. Maybe it would be better if you spoke up? You could see Eren's face quickly turn from mocking to anger at Jean's words. You noticed the way his fists clenched and the way he positioned himself to take a step forward, as well. Before you had a chance to intervene, though, a hand was placed quickly on the boy's shoulder from behind.

“Stop it, Eren.” The girl who ranked number one in your class spoke in a quiet and yet completely resolute voice. You could see the blonde haired boy, Armin, nodding along from beside her.

“You too, Jean. There's no point in starting a fight now.” Reiner finally spoke up from behind you, flashing a smile in your direction when you turned your face over your shoulder to look at him.

“I'm not the one starting the fight, Reiner. First of all – Connie; do you have a death wish or something? I told you over and over again that it wasn't like that but you still can't shut your fucking mouth, huh?” Jean turned his anger towards the smaller boy with a clear look of intent.

“No, it's just because-” Connie shook his head frantically in denial but was cut off quickly.

“So it's not true? I knew it. No sane person could ever fall in love with someone as annoying as you, Jean.” Eren spoke again with a smile, already shaking off the palm that rested on his shoulder.

“Huh? Take a look in the mirror for a second, Eren. It's pathetic how delusional you are about yourself.” Jean once more switched back and you somehow found it harder and harder to intervene into the flow of the conversation. For starters, most of the people that had surrounded you weren't people you knew very well to begin with. Would your words even do anything to help? The tension in Jean's shoulders, though...

“Hey, Jean.” You spoke up anyways, bringing attention to yourself suddenly. Even if your words couldn't rectify the anything... or even if they didn't mean anything; even if they didn't matter to the rest of the group around you. “Isn't he right, though? We even talked about it ourselves. Being in love with Jean Kirschtein is definitely crazy.”

A beat. Laughter.

“I told you so, Jean! I'm glad you haven't lost your mind, ____. Maybe you were just imagining things, Connie?” Eren spoke between very distinct bursts of laughter. You waited for him to quiet down a little before taking a step forward, closer to where Jean stood staring back at you.

“But it's already happened now so there's no helping it. Do you think I should go visit the infirmary later? I know it's crazy and yet I want to be with you regardless, Jean.” Your words were almost as deliberate as the fingers you reached out, lacing them within Jean's. You thought how nice it would be if your words would be able to provide some sort of confidence for Jean as he had always done for you, so you forced them out despite knowing how horribly cheesy it would come out.

Silence. 

Jean's eyes trailed down to your hand in his own for a moment before his cheeks grew an ever so light shade of red. 

“I-idiot. Wasn't it you who said not to say such embarrassing shit? That should be against the fucking rules.” Jean spoke without meeting your eyes, placing his free palm to his face. You smiled at the gesture, giving a small squeeze of the hand in yours.

“Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Seriously?” Eren straightened himself out, shaking his head as if to dispel the situation in front of him.

“Jean! Wait! That was just – right now! That was a confession, wasn't it?” Connie's voice was loud as he also seemed to snap himself back into reality, speaking in half jumbles.

“____, do you realize what you just said?” Reiner spoke to you instead with a look of concern.

“Mm. I know.” You nodded in response, taking a few steps so that you were now directly beside Jean. You peered up at him, “Was it really so bad, Jean? I thought that much was allowed, though. Besides it's you that always tells the truth, right?”

“Don't just stare at me like that, either.” Jean turned his face away as you tried to get a glimpse of that wonderful shade of pink that he wore so well. 

“Wait. Seriously? Jean, you're blushing like a fucking girl. It's disgusting.” Eren spoke from in front of you, “____. Are you insane?”

“It's gross when you say my name like that, Yeager, so please stop.” You were intentionally bitter to the boy in response. You heard Jean give an incredibly faint chuckle when you spoke before straightening himself back up.

“Was that all, then? We should probably get out of here soon.” Jean spoke casually again, looking relaxed again finally. “We're practicing with 3D Maneuver Gear today, aren't we? We'll need time to check our gear.”

“So then, are you two... d-dating?” Connie spoke somewhat apprehensively. Jean turned his head to look at the other boy before giving a grin.

“You got that right, cueball. Satisfied?” Yeah, his ego had definitely gotten worse, that was for sure. How was putting it so bluntly acceptable in the rules? With a small tug on your hand, Jean began walking and pulling you along with him. “I'm not going to be late because of you idiots so I'll see you later.”

Leaving behind the group of wide-eyed soldiers, you let Jean pull you along by the hand as you peaked up at the smile on his lips from beside him.

“Jean, why are you so happy?” 

“Huh? It's not like I'm particularly happy about anything.” Jean slowed his pace a little to speak but his hand kept a firm grip on yours.

“But you keep smiling. Am I missing something?”

“Idiot. Do I need a reason to smile?”

“Not exactly... but-”

“Ah, fine. If I said that you're the reason – would that be against the rules?” Jean continued to grin as he looked you in the eyes to give meaning to his words.

“I-idiot. That's the worst one violation yet.” You couldn't help but smile a little to yourself – Jean being a nice guy once and a while wasn't so bad, honestly.

“Hmm? Ah, then, punish me later? Since you're a sadist and all.” Jean's fingers slipped away from yours as they found their usual place on the top of your head. It would seem that ruffling through your hair had become sort of a habit for the taller boy, lately. It didn't take him long to revert right back, huh?

“I'll seriously murder you, pervert.” You pushed his hand off like usual to complete the recent custom.

“That's only if you can catch me first, though.” Jean's arm wrapped itself around your neck, pulling your face towards his as he placed a small but rough peck of his lips on your cheek.

“J-Jean!” Before you could finish getting his name out, Jean's arm dropped as he rushed himself a few steps ahead of you.

“Are you going to punish me for that, too?” A teasing grin was flashed in your direction from over his shoulder before he took off. Who was he going to outrun with a pace like that? He was practically jogging. 

You let out a sigh but couldn't help the tug that pulled the corners of your lips upwards. Was the amount of happiness that one person can obtain in a lifetime limited? You felt like Jean's presence would slowly end up depleting your stock with just these small moments.

“For your sake, Jean, you better hope I don't catch you.” You were able to catch up to Jean with ease considering his slow pace, though, and he ended his jog as he came up beside him.

“Ah, you actually gave chase. I'm glad.”

“Huh? I don't get it, Jean.” You tilted your head in confusion, trying to piece together the meaning behind Jean's actions.

“That's because you're an idiot, idiot. But that's okay, since it kind of suits you. Anyways, let's go.” Jean placed his palm around your wrist, dragging you along as he began his slow jog once more.

_Of course I'd give chase... We have a deal, don't we? So I can't fall behind._


	21. Chapter Eight

“Do you check everything over already?” A hand pulled your straps, checking their security.

“Yes, Jean.” 

“Are you sure? You didn't miss anything or skip something, did you?” An adjustment to a buckle on your waist.

“No, Jean.” 

“Forget anything? Want me to check it over once?” The same buckle you had just readjusted a minute ago.

“No thank you, mom.” You gave a sigh. You understood the boy's worries but it was still annoying that he was treating you like a child.

“Funny. Don't cry to me if your gear malfunctions, then.” Jean pinched your nose in response, not entertained by your little joke. You pulled away, covering your nose.

“Who would cry? I'd probably die from the fall if that happened.” Your fellow soldiers and you stood outside, waiting for orders to start today's training activity. It had already been announced that you would be training today with a sort of race using your 3D Maneuver Gear, to help work on agility and turns; after all, outrunning the Titan's was the most effective way to stay alive outside of the walls. The course had already been set out and explained by your instructors and you were all given time to ready up and check over your equipment.

“You're full of shitty jokes today, aren't you? I'll kill you if you go and die on me from something stupid like that.” Jean scowled at your words, glaring slightly at you as he began to reassess his own straps once more. Had he always been this cautious?

“It'd be enough to keep me in the hospital for a while, at least. Calm down a little, Jean. I'm not a child and I know how to check my own gear by now.” You glared back slightly of annoyance, even though there was a part of you deep down that thought his excessive worry was kind of endearing.

“Aren't I allowed to worry? Since I'm your boyfriend and all now.” Jean gave you a pointed glance with his words, a small smirk playing on his lips as he obviously tried to elicit a response.

“Ah, then, it works both ways, doesn't it? Sit still and let me check you over. You don't want the other kids to bully you if you messed something up, right? Make sure you tell big sister if that happens and I'll come save you, okay? Here, I packed you a lunch. Make sure to eat it so you can grow up to be a big, strong boy Jean.” You were purposefully monotone as you spoke; making sure not to give him the result he was hoping for. You couldn't help but smile at the way his brows furrowed together at your words.

“Big sister? If anything, wouldn't it be the other way around? Since you're the one that's basically a kid and all. I'd obviously be the elder here.”

“That's the issue?” You asked when Jean smiled back at you instead of responding the way you'd expected. Had he just used your own tactic against you?

“What else would it be? Besides that, what lunch? I'll call you big sister or whatever you want if you cook for me.”

“... Were you always this creepy, Jean?”

“You started it. You called me Mom before, too. Just so you know, the way I kiss you is different from any kiss your family ever might have given you.”

“J-Jean!”

“Ah, finally. It's cute when you get flustered over stuff like that.” Jean smiled at your reaction, wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you in for a quick peck on the lips.

“How is that not against the rules?” You pouted a little at the realization of how easily Jean had been able to get what he wanted.

“Think of it as a good luck charm. It works for the both of us.” There it was; that small twinge deep inside your chest that brought a small flush to your cheeks. The usual Jean was nice and all... but when he acted intentionally sweet towards you was what really got you blushing. He had to be breaking some rules with that, right? It wasn't fair that he always did what he wanted like that.

“Is everyone ready, then?” A superior officer called attention and the crowd began to quickly order themselves. Jean gave a ruffle of your hair as he walked by, heading towards the line of soldiers while you followed quickly behind.

“Did everyone get a chance to properly check their gear? We'd like to avoid any unnecessary accidents. If there are any problems, speak up now.” The man spoke loudly, looking over the crowd once before shooting off his wires. He placed himself onto an average height branch, giving the signal for the rest of you to follow. The rest of the soldiers fired off as well, trying to stay close enough to hear the man speak but be positioned in a good enough spot to take off at the word, as well. 

You stayed a little lower than most since you weren't too worried about your place, anyways. Not that you were overconfident – in fact, it was the opposite. Your skills were only average and you decided that instead of trying to beat everyone else, you should focus more on improving your own weak points. You glanced around quickly, noticing that Jean had placed himself on a higher branch a little ways behind you.

“Then, let's get started. Remember, your place isn't what's necessarily important. Just work on improving your speed and focus on turns. The better you can evade, the more likely you'll survive when a group of Titan's is heading your way. Everyone ready? Go!” At the instructors command the area soon filled with soldiers flying through the air. You noticed quickly how everyone spread themselves out, trying to avoid any unnecessary collisions just as you had all been taught back in training. Shadis had drilled those basics into your very core, it would seem.

You set off as well, trying to gain speed gradually instead of overwhelming yourself too fast. You were a little worried about making turns too quickly but as long as you kept your head it would be okay, right? As long as there was enough area around you and you watched yourself properly even you should be able to make the sharper turns at a decent speed. You had been working on endurance and muscle building lately so at the very least, you hoped you would be able to make a little improvement since the previous race.

Even if no one else noticed... It would mean you were getting a little stronger, right?

You took a breath as the first turn came up before you. You scanned the area around you quickly, finding a clear and safe route for you to take the turn without having you reduce your speed too much. 

Slowly down ever so slightly but never stopping, you successfully maneuvered yourself around the first turn with relative ease. You smiled to yourself as you continued. It didn't matter how little – progress was still progress.

“Oh, that looked pretty good, ____. Although I don't know if it was something to be so happy about.” You stopped abruptly on a tree at the sudden voice coming from much to close.

“Don't scare me like that, Jean.” You quickly started going again, trying to keep a safe distance from the guy who placed himself at number six of your class as well as trying to regain speed a little quicker this time. Sure, he was talented enough that he was probably okay with being at speaking distance... but you weren't as confident. What if your wires crossed? You'd both go down hard and at this height although you would definitely live, it still wouldn't be pretty.

“Running away? There's no one who can beat me when it comes to 3D Maneuver Gear, just so you know.” Jean kept up with you with such ease that it was annoying. Of course you knew it was impossible to beat him at his own game – the guy was known for his skill in the air, after all – but what would he prove by showing off?

“Have you always been so cocky, Jean? Someone should knock you down a few pegs.” You tried to keep your focus but Jean's presence in the corner of your eyes was very apparent. It was good that there weren't any sharp turns for a while, at least.

“Yeah? I'd like to see that. Are you going to be the one to do it, then?” His continuous taunting wasn't helping anyone with anything, though.

“Are you saying that I couldn't do it?” You began to grow more irritated as you replied. Sure, he might have been talented but he couldn't be unbeatable, right? Even if the person to do it wasn't you.

Did he really have to prove how big of a difference there was between you two? He was in the top ten and you were just barely above average. You knew that already... so why did he have to rub it in your face so clearly?

“You can always try. I'll be waiting at the finish line, ____.” Jean shot you a grin before flying off in front of you. He waved a quick hand over his shoulder before speeding up, gaining speed much quicker than you had ever even attempted.

It was pathetic. Had he really been holding himself back _that much_ to keep near you? Were you really that far behind him already?

You could only see his back as he soared further out of your vision, handling each turn with ease as if he'd ran this exact course a hundred times over already. It wasn't long before you couldn't see him anymore with the way he flew through the skies with such comfort.

Would there always be that much distance between you two? Even though you had both made the promise to get stronger. It was so damn pathetic.

You sped up a little quicker, determined to close the gap at least a little. You thought briefly that it would be nice if you'd even be able to pass him someday.

You managed the next turn without reducing your speed at all – in fact, it was relatively easy. You increased your pace further – you could catch up at this rate, right? You smiled to yourself at the feeling of the wind blowing across your skin furiously. Maybe it would even be okay to go a little higher up? You were used to sticking a bit lower than the others but wouldn't it be nice to see the sights from the taller trees once and a while? The sight that Jean always saw.

A turn came up before you and you scanned the area for your best route and your eyes landed on a tree a few meters taller than your current height. _Ah, perfect._

There was probably somewhere deep inside of you that knew the entire time that you were being reckless.

That became very apparent, though, as you quickly realized that you had definitely made a mistake in your “perfect” calculation. Your speed was much too fast for you to stop yourself as you headed for a straight collision with the width of the tree.

You launched another wire, trying to get yourself out of the way but you were already to close to be able to clear it entirely. You let out a very audible grunt of pain as your right shoulder brushed itself along the bark – effectively tearing through your clothing and skin. 

Of course, you lost your balance.

And of course, you fell.

You attempted to launch your wires on your way down in an attempt to avoid the ground but apparently your brush with the tree earlier had managed to damage more than just your shoulder. Luckily, though – or perhaps not – your left wire shot out still, although it only served to slow you down. Trying to make the best of your situation with the little resources and time you had left, you ended up brushing against a branch or two on the way down so it felt more like a series of small falls instead of one big one. Was that a good thing? At least it was a very good thing that you usually stayed lower down.

You still inevitably hit the ground, though. Landing hard on your back, the air in your lungs escaping your body almost immediately upon impact. You arched upwards as an automated response and flipped quickly over to your stomach. You found yourself wishing you hadn't, though, when you felt every muscle in your body scream at you for the action.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck.” You cursed loudly as you found it hard to focus on anything besides the pain. At the very least, you had definitely messed up something in your shoulder and the cuts on your skin burned as the breeze brushed over them; they were deep enough that you could feel the blood that had already seeped into the surrounding clothes and down your arm. The muscles in your back were another issue altogether as you found it difficult to make any immediate movement, trying to regain some breath in your lungs and thoughts in your head.

You felt the distinct prickle of tears as the were brimming at your eyes. You snapped your lids close in an attempt to halt the tears but, of course, to no avail. You felt the heat as they travelled down your face, stinging on your skin. The physical pain was more overwhelming than anything you had ever felt – let alone the thoughts that threatened to eat you from the inside out.

_I'm an idiot. Such a fucking idiot. Of fucking course this is going to happen when I act like such a fucking idiot. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

You used your left hand to wipe furiously at your eyes, breathing in deeply in an attempt to stop the pathetic tears. Could you imagine if someone saw you like this? If Jean saw you liked this? And don't even get started on Marco – didn't he say that you were strong once? Where the fuck was that so-called strength now as you cried like a fucking child? Even he would have to admit that you were basically the embodiment of pity in this moment.

Regaining your breathing to a regular rate, your tears quickly turned to anger. At your pain, at your surroundings, at your situation – even at Jean. If only he hadn't provoked you like that – wasn't this whole thing mostly his fault? He always had to say whatever the fuck he wanted, didn't he?

But mostly, anger at yourself for being the only real cause. You were reckless and that was your own damn fault. No matter how much you wanted to shift blame and get angry at anything – everything else, you knew it in the rational part of your head. You were the one being careless.

After a few moments of laying still and collecting your thoughts, you decided to lift yourself up to assess the damage. It was obvious that the landing on your back was a problem, even if you had managed to bring down the impact by reducing your speed on the way down. You couldn't tell if anything was broken but your muscles screamed with every moment as you straightened your body into a sitting position. 

You found a position in which you weren't in unbearable pain and turned to your shoulder next.

Okay, so, it probably wasn't a good thing when your already bleeding arm sheltered a portion of the impact on those branches you had hit on the way down. There was an unmistakable throbbing and by the way your whole arm stung, it was probably a lot more than just the shoulder.

You looked at the gear you still had around your waist and noticed the parts of metal surrounding the area around you.

_Well, there goes that. Guess I'm walking home, huh? Not that I could do anything with that anyways considering my arm and back. At least it slowed my fall a little, I guess._

You gave a sigh as you held your right arm in your left hand, trying to see if you could still move it around.

“Fuuuuuuck.” You cursed at the immediate pain that pounded out at the first attempt of even a small movement. Was something broken up there? How long does it take a broken bone to heal? Would it even heal? It had to, right?

You worked your way down your arm, trying to move anything you could with the least amount of pain possible. You were happy to see that you at least still had movement in your fingers, albeit with pain, despite the fact that your wrist was already visibly swelling.

With a large amount of struggling you ripped off the remains of your right sleeve and poorly tied it around the multiple wounds on your shoulder to the best of your ability. Why did you have to land on your back of all things? Every movement was painful. Although in honesty, any other landing probably would have ended even more unpleasantly.

Through a painful battle with your own body you forced yourself on to your feet. You took a moment to steady your breath before taking a few steps forward. You were happy to find your legs were mostly undamaged, although you could feel what felt like a small sprain in your left ankle as well. At least you would be able to walk instead of just sitting around and beating yourself up.

You could feel a strain of your muscles with the pain of each step but you forced yourself to start walking regardless. You knew the general direction of getting back and it's not like you were too far from the start anyways, right? It had only been about ten minutes since you started in the air so it should be a manageable distance, right? Although your pace was far below average considering your injuries. It would most likely take quite a bit longer than a regular walk, that was for sure.

A quick scan of the area around you revealed nothing particularly helpful as trees were the only thing that flooded your vision. There was no way that you'd be able to make it to the finish line where the others were headed so you might as well start on the way back, right? Waiting around to be rescued was not an option. Not that you knew if anyone would come, either.

You found a small relief in the fact that you were at least able to move around still. That was a good sign, right? If you were lucky maybe you injuries wouldn't be too serious. With the exception of your shoulder nothing felt distinctly broken, either, so you wouldn't be kept in the infirmary for too long, right? There was a definite pain while you walked but your legs were still fully functioning so you'd be able to use your 3D gear as soon as your back healed, right?

You felt like a child who was taking their first steps with the pace you were pulling yourself forward – only much more painfully. What if your injuries were worse than you could tell? Would you be forced to abandon everything you had worked on until now? Would you be useless to the Survey Corps? Would your dreams be put to an end?

_And I thought I hated myself before... Can I get any more pathetic? Jean will kill me for this. Wouldn't it have been better to just die on the way down?_ The emotional side of your head waged war. 

_No. Am I seriously that big of an idiot? As long as my injuries heal it'll be like this whole thing never happened, right? I can still accomplish the things I wanted to... right?_ Rationally, though, you knew it was a waste of time to spend time worrying over it.

You knew this... and yet you still couldn't tell which side was winning.

Why the hell did everything have to be so damn painful? Every step and every thought. The way your shoulder burned and the way your chest tightened – which was worse?

_Pathetic._

It was going to be a long fucking walk, that was for certain.


	22. Chapter 8.2

You grimaced at the sight of the sun as it began it's slow descent for the evening. You could feel the sweat dripping down your body as you continued your slow trek back towards the Survey Corps building you now called home, not entirely sure how much further it would be.

You'd been walking for at least an hour or two now, right? So it couldn't be too far away. It was hard to tell how much progress you had made, though, since the scenery all seemed to look almost the same. You thought you might be coming down with a fever to top things off, too. There was a chill in the air and yet your body felt hot – the pain in your foot seemed to get worse with each step.

It was pathetic. You couldn't blame anyone but yourself for this shit situation, either, which made things worse. Your painful journey had only been made worse by your own self-cursing every step of the way. 

If only you hadn't done this or that. If only you had thought about this or that. If only you had been able to do this or that. It was a cycle that only seemed to fuel your own self-loathing deeper.

Why the hell had you been such an idiot in the first place? It didn't matter if you fell behind in a race or two. How the hell were you going to get stronger if you just rushed everything and ended up injuring yourself? You weren't helping anyone nor were you making any progress. It was pitiful.

The fact that you knew each mistake you had made so clearly was just annoying.

You managed to make it to a small clearing in which you were able to see the clouds above you in the light orange-tinted sky. You collapsed onto your bottom, pulling your foot free from it's covering to check how bad your ankle had actually gotten. You could feel a small heat radiating from the growing bump and you noticed the entire area was very much a bright red already.

Would it be best if you stopped for a while? Did you really have a choice in the matter? You placed a hand against your foot, feeling the pulsing of pain through the swelling skin.

At the very least you would have to take a short break. Perhaps after a little while the swelling would calm down a little. It had to, right? You placed your working hand against your forehead in an attempt to measure your own temperature but you weren't able to tell if it was any warmer than usual.

You sighed at the terrible situation that presented itself. If only you hadn't fucked up in the first place then none of this would be a damn issue.

You laid yourself slowly onto your still aching back, letting the wind blow over you and cool your hot skin through the layer of sweat on your body. 

_Is Jean worried about me by now? Will he come looking for me?_

You closed your eyes as you thought to yourself.

_Pathetic. Can't I do anything without being rescued?_

You had hoped to at least be able to make it back on your own and yet here you were, giving up half way through. It was no wonder that you fell so far behind so quickly.

You cursed yourself inwardly once more for being so careless. Who the hell cared about winning, anyways? The point was survival and it's not like there was some grand prize waiting at the end. It didn't matter if you came in first or not as long as you were alive, right? That's always been the damn point. It's not like you were competing for a place in the top ten or anything, either, so there was no need for you to get so worked up over nothing. 

Who cared if Jean was better than you were at some things? He was in the top ten so of course you weren't going to be able to beat him with ease. You knew all of these things and yet you had still let yourself get so competitive over nothing. It was pitiful. Why were you always such an idiot?

_Who cares if he flies out of sight for a while... he'd be waiting at the finish line, anyways, right? I'm such a fucking idiot._

And now, because of your own damn pride and stupidity, you were here. Stuck between a bunch of damn trees, on the ground, in the middle of nowhere.

“Oi, idiot – what the fuck do you think your doing?” A voice spoke suddenly and your eyes shot open. Out of instinct, you tried to sit up only to have your body scream at you for the action. You failed in your attempt and gave a audible grunt of pain as your body fell limply back against the cold grass. A face stared down from over you questioningly.

_Embarrassing._

“N-nothing, sir.” You spoke in reply when the man leaning over you didn't speak again. Of all the people to find you here in the middle of nowhere, it just had to be everyone's favourite demon corporal, didn't it? Just your luck – the guy would probably punish you for taking a break before even thinking of rescuing you in any way.

“Huh? People are looking for you and your taking a fucking nap? Get on your feet already.” His oh-so-kind voice filled with that lovely encouragement really went along well with the furrow of his brows. You gave a sigh and forced yourself into a sitting position as painlessly as possible. Getting on your feet would sure to be prove fun, wouldn't it? You'd definitely have to thank the man later for all the help he was giving you.

“Are you injured?” Your superior spoke up when he noticed the way you struggled just to sit up, pausing to let your muscles rest. You couldn't help the frown on your face at his words. 

_As if it wasn't fucking obvious?_

“Oh, you could tell? That's quite observant of you, _Lance Corporal Levi_.” Your voice came out with more venom then you had intended to show and you immediately regretted your words when you caught the small twitch of the man's eyebrows. Was Jean rubbing off on you or something? Maybe you really did have a fever after all.

“This is why I hate brats. You think you can just rely on others to save you all the time? If this was outside of the walls there wouldn't be a single person coming back for you. Be grateful I'm here at all, idiot.” As he spoke his arm grabbed onto yours, pulling you onto your feet with force and causing you to gasp out in pain. You lost your footing for a second but the man's strength was quick to keep you steady. For someone of his stature he was incredibly strong – as to be expected from Humanity's Greatest Solider, though.

“I know that already! Don't call me an idiot, either.” You were more expressive than usual around someone you didn't know but it was getting harder to think clearly past your ire. What was with that that annoying buzzing in your ears, also? It was giving you a damn headache.

“Can you walk? Laying here waiting to be rescued is pretty pathetic.” Or maybe it was just your wonderful superior that was causing the headache.

“I took a break to rest. I've been walking, sir – for well over an hour or two I'd say.” You spoke to the back of your superior as turned away from you.

“It's been over three, actually. Your fellow soldiers have already finished and I sent them all back. That one guy – your boyfriend? He's was throwing a damn fit the whole time.” You noticed him cross his arms as he looked around the area – for what?

“Jean? Was he worried?” _Great. He's going to fucking kill me, isn't he?_

“That's an understatement. Were you just going to lay here and let him lose his mind? Or maybe you wanted him to come save you?” The man turned to face you again. Was he always this accusatory? He must have been trying to pick a fight, right?

“Neither. I already said I was just taking a break, didn't I? My ankle was starting to get pretty uncomfortable is all.” You sighed to yourself at the realization that you were acting like a child. Who was the more unpleasant in this situation? The Demon Corporal was just that, of course, but you were also way to far out of line while speaking to a superior officer already.

“Where did you land? Besides your shoulder is anything else seriously damaged?” The man seemed to relax himself a little as he uncrossed his arms and moved back towards you.

“In that direction,” You pointed with your working hand across to the other side of your body, “I landed on my back so I can't say that feels great, either, as well as my ankle. My gear is damaged as well so I couldn't use it to get back anyways, though.”

After taking a quick look at the gear still strapped to your waist, his hand reached forward and began to remove the remaining metal. You felt a load drop as the weight was removed and your body felt overjoyed. “If your gear is broken it's just extra weight to slow you down, idiot. Leave it.”

“...Yeah. I forgot.”

“You might have been able to make it back by now if you had done that earlier. How bad is your back? Anything broken?” 

“I couldn't say for certain but I don't think so, at least. I hit a few branches on the way down so I didn't land with too much force when I hit the ground. It's painful but I think it's just the muscles, probably?”

“Can you move your arm? Try lifting it.”

“Not going to happen, sir. Unless you want to hear me disrespect you in every way possible, that is.” You visibly grimaced at the suggestion.

“...Fucking brat. Is it broken?”

“I'm sure a doctor would have that answer, wouldn't they?” The rational part of your head screamed at you for continuing with your harsh tone but it seemed that today was a day you were ruled by emotions, wasn't it?

“I'd seriously break your bones if you hadn't already done it yourself, you annoying brat. Fine then. Let's go; we're not too far so it won't be a long ride. Don't you dare complain about the pain unless your about legitimately die, got it?” The man gave you a look of warning before lifting you up suddenly, not giving you a chance to protest. Not that you had a whole lot of choices anyways, though. You let out a groan at the rough and unexpected movement.

“You can't be more gentle? I told you it hurts.” Your arm was forcibly wrapped around his neck and after a quick adjustment to secure your position, you heard the sound of wires launching and felt wind against your body.

“Are you running a fever? Your skin feels pretty warm.” He asked, ignoring your complaints completely.

“... A doctor could tell you, couldn't they?” You definitely could definitely feel a faint pounding in your temples so you were almost undoubtedly sure that he was right, though. Your eyelids felt heavy and your ears still had that damn ringing, too.

“You're just a fucking peach, aren't you? I'm amazed someone with your shitty personality could even manage to find a boyfriend – or friends at all.” You just barely caught the glare in your direction before the man's gaze returned forward.

“Are you always so talkative, sir? Your much more opinionated than I would have imagined.” With the wind hitting against you so violently, it was getting harder to keep your eyelids from closing. Your pain had kept you very much awake during your journey but it seems the Corporal actually took your situation into consideration when he decided to carry you, though, because you weren't in any immediate pain. Should you be grateful for that? You felt relatively comfortable and found yourself a little angry about it, actually. 

“Did your gear malfunction or something? How did you end up falling in the first place?”

“... I miscalculated. It was my own mistake.” _Great conversation. Maybe it'd actually be better if I just went to sleep?_

“...Idiot.” To your surprise, the Corporal replied without any further inquisition. Maybe he had noticed that you didn't want to discuss it? Could it be that the feared Demon Corporal of the Survey Corps was, in fact, a good guy?

“Why'd you come looking for me, sir? I mean, you weren't even in charge of us today.”

“I was at the opposite end with the other squad leaders. Someone had to go looking for you to shut that fucking kid up; he kept trying to rush off on his own when you didn't show up. The rest said they didn't see you along the way, either, so it was obvious something must have happened after everyone else finished up. Hanji is out looking, too.”

“Huh? Shouldn't we have tried to find her before heading back, then?”

“It'd take too long. You need medical attention first; I can send someone back for her later.”

“But it's pointless to leave her out here, isn't it?”

“It's not like she has anything better to do. We're almost back, anyways, so this is more efficient.”

“Ah, your right. I can actually see the building from up here.” You were travelling from a much higher position than you were used to and it was easy to see your way. 

Did it always look so nice from up here? The sky and the tips of the trees... A part of you was unhappy that the first time you got to see this sight wasn't with your own power but instead while being rescued by someone else.

_How long will it take until I can do it on my own? I want to be strong enough..._


	23. Chapter Nine

That wonderful roof that you had hoped you'd never have to see again was now directly above you. As you stared up at the familiar wood, a voice was speaking.

“Is that understood, ____?” A voice you had never wanted to hear call your name.

“Yes, Commander.” Being checked in on by the leader of the Survey Corps? _Fucking kill me._

“Good. I'm glad to hear that nothing is broken, at least, but you'll have to stay put for a while. Hanji and the others here will take good care of you so I'm sure you'll be fine, okay? I hope you feel better before the upcoming expedition, ____.” The blonde hair man smiled at you from beside the bed. You understood that as the Commander of the Survey Corps, it was probably part of his job to check on any major incidents and all... but having to lay there while you got the same speech all over again was a threat to your sanity. How many people had told you the same thing? You felt as if you had heard it paraphrased at least 100 times by now. Each time by a higher rank until you were here, finally at the top of the chain.

“Yes, sir.” You gave another nod of confirmation without turning your head.

“I have to file a report and get back, Hanji, so I'm leaving first. Come see me later on in my office when your all done for the day.” The tall figure of the man finished as he turned around and made his way towards the exit. You gave a sigh as you saw him step outside, thinking it was finally time to rest.

“____!” Oh how wrong you were.

“...Hey, Jean.” You turned at the sound of Jean's voice as he rushed through the open doors. Was it okay for him to just cut past the Commander like that? If it was the Corporal instead he'd probably be running laps by now for that kind of complete disrespect.

You heard the faint shut of the door as Jean had already made it to the position beside you. His hands slammed themselves beside your head and he stared down at you, eyes frantic.

_Stop it. What am I supposed to say when you make that face?_

After a moment of looking you over, his eyes lingering briefly on your now bandaged shoulder, he stood up straight again. His look of worry quickly changed as he did so; had you ever seen Jean frown like that before?

“Seriously? That's all you have to fucking say?” Jean crossed his arms as he barked down at you. Ah, here it came.

_What am I supposed to say, then?_ You found it hard to say the words out loud. His anger was justified and to be expected so you couldn't argue, could you? If you apologized would he forgive you? Would be get even more angry?

_Apologize for what, even? He's definitely going to kill me._

You broke your gaze away towards the horrible wood above you once more. Despite your own anger you found yourself too tired to start a new argument so you tried to think of the best way to deal with the situation at hand.

“Hey, Jean... why not calm down a little? ____ is probably really tired from everything so let's let her rest, okay? You guys can talk a-” Hanji, who stood off to the side of the room, spoke up in your stead only to be completely ignored.

“____! Are you fucking deaf? What the fuck happened out there?” Jean raised his voice as if he truly believed that you had lost your hearing. 

“I heard you, Jean. But what the hell am I supposed to say? I'm too tired.” In contrast your voice was calm and probably much to casual for Jean's liking. After all the time you had put into worrying about this exact moment you just didn't have the damn energy anymore.

“Are you a fucking idiot, ____? For starters how about you tell me what happened, huh? I can't wait to hear this fucking story.” You understood his anger – honestly, you did – but the volume of his voice and the way it felt like it was ripping your head apart was hitting you in all the wrong ways.

“Seriously, Jean, now isn't a good time. Let's come back later, okay? Your voice is t-” You'd have to apologize to Hanji later.

“I get it, Jean! I fucked up, okay? I made a mistake and I paid for it. I don't need you to shout it in my ear to make that much fucking clear, okay? Just shut up for a while.” You had thought the pounding in your head had started to calm down a little but the second you sat up from your position you realized it had still been around the whole time. At least the medication you had been given was definitely helping since you weren't screaming your head off from the pain, though.

“Apparently you do, since you can't seem to spit it out. I told you beforehand to recheck your gear, didn't I? Why didn't you just listen to me? You're so damn stubborn.” What could you say to get him to stop? If only he had stood on the side of your working arm you would've been able to at least punch him in the gut or something.

“I told you that I made a mistake, didn't I? It wasn't my gear. It was my own damn fault and I can't tell you how much I _appreciate_ you helping clarify that for me, Jean. I think there's some salt in the kitchen if you want me to take off my bandages for you?” You were angry. So incredibly angry.

At Jean, of course, for starting a fight. But mostly at yourself for being the reason behind it all.

Why had you let your emotions rule over you like that? If only you had used your damn head like you always said. Why did you have to try and rush ahead of yourself like that? It would have been fine if you just tried your hardest to your own capabilities to better over time. If only you hadn't let your damn pride get in the way. Why had you been so worried anyways? It was okay even if you didn't catch up to Jean just yet, right?

Why was he so much better than you, though? The way he soared away with such ease was infuriating. Why were you so far behind? He had just been beside you a second ago. Why couldn't you catch up? You were trying so hard.

Why didn't your effort matter? Why couldn't you do the things you wanted? Why were you just so damn pathetic?

It hurt. The physical pain in your body and the pounding in your head. The burning behind your eyes and the clenching of your throat.

It was so damn painful.

“Hey, ____. I'm sorry, I-” Perhaps he noticed the look on your face despite your best attempts to hide your pain.

“Shut up, Jean! I don't want your fucking pity.” You laid yourself back down in an attempt to hide from the way your own voice had shaken just then.

“I keep saying t-”

“Alright! Have you both said enough? I'm really sorry, Jean. I know you must be worried and have a million questions but you really can't be yelling so loudly in here, you know? Let's step outside for a while.” Hanji spoke up once more with a much more somber voice than you had ever heard from her before.

“...Yeah, I'm sorry. I promise I'll leave soon and I won't yell anymore either, so can I have a little more time? I haven't said enough yet.” You had placed your working arm over top of your eyes in an attempt to stop any tears so you weren't able to see Jean's expression when he said those words. What more could he possibly have to say?

_Stop talking in that voice like you're the one who's sorry._

You didn't want to hear it.

“I'm sorry, Jean, but ____ seriously needs to rest. How about we come back in a little while? I'll explain everything to you, as well.” You were somewhat relieved when Hanji didn't give in.

“I'm sorry, Squad Leader Hanji – but please? Just for a few minutes.” And yet even more relieved when Jean didn't, either, despite the fact that there was definitely a part of you that wanted him gone.

“Well... ____? What do you say? If you're up to it I guess a few minutes won't hurt...”

_Don't ask me. What the hell am I supposed to say?_

“____? You're not going to run away, are you? I have things to say so just listen for a while if you don't want to talk.” Jean spoke when you made no move to answer.

“...Fine. Can we have a little time, Squad Leader Hanji? We won't be long.” You finally answered despite still being unsure of whether or not it was a good idea. You sat up, slower this time, and Hanji gave you a small nod before turning around to exit the room. As the door shut behind her Jean turned towards you once more.

“You're an idiot, you know that?” He spoke as he took a seat beside you, slumping his shoulders as if he was the one who needed to rest.

“Shut up, Jean. Just say what you want already.” You were intentionally bitter.

“Are you pouting?” He gave half of a smile as if trying to lighten the atmosphere.

“Jean!” Not that you were in any mood for his jokes, though.

“Fine, fine. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to make you feel like I was rubbing it in or anything. I didn't realize.” Jean rested his palms on the bed as he stared up at the ceiling.

“I don't need your apology, Jean.”

“Yeah, I know. But I needed to say it.” He turned his head to face you once more, “I was worried, you know? You didn't show up no matter how long I waited.”

“...Yeah. I'm sorry.” You broke away as you stared down at your hands instead. You just didn't have the energy required to fight anymore.

“Can you tell me what happened? Your shoulder looks pretty bad.” Jean reached a hand and placed it on top of yours, intertwining his fingers in yours and pulling your hand from your lap. You winced slightly at the pain of the sudden movement even though you could tell he was trying to be as gentle as possible.

“I got ahead of myself. I was going too fast and I miscalculated. I scratched my shoulder up on the tree when I was trying to get myself away in time – my gear got damaged, too. So I fell.” You let out a sigh before speaking and turned to face Jean once more.

“From that height? Is anything broken?” He looked genuinely concerned. 

“I was able to reduce my speed so it wasn't too bad. But I landed on my back so it still hurt like a bitch. The medic who checked it said that it didn't seem like anything was broken, though. It's pretty bruised up but it should be healed up soon enough. My arm will take a little longer since it seems I've done a bit more damage there.” Your head felt heavy as you remembered everything you had been told.

“Is it bad? How long will it take to heal?” 

“It's not horrible – most of the pain is just from the flesh wound and the bruising. She said it'd take about a month at the most to fully heal.”

“A month? What about the expedition?” Jean turned his body on the bed so that he was facing towards you instead.

“I'm getting to that, Jean. She said it'd take a month to fully heal but I should be able to get out of the infirmary in about a week as long as nothing goes wrong. She said that as long as I take care of it and don't do anything stupid it should be well enough that I'll probably still make it in time for the expedition. I might not have full movement, though, so when that time comes it'll be up to the Commander on whether or not I can actually take part.”

“So there's a chance you can't go?”

“A slim one, but yes. As long as there are no complications or anything she missed, though, it seems like that would be fairly unlikely. It's really not much of an injury, honestly. Although I seriously thought something was going to be broken when I felt that hit.” It seemed as if Jean was just getting more worried by the second despite finally getting all the answers to his questions.

“Who checked it? It wasn't Hanji?”

“Hanji wasn't here when I got back so someone else took care of it at first. When Hanji made it back she went over it all again anyways, though. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard the same damn thing?”

“Yeah, probably. The amount of people that went in and out of here was the most annoying part.” Jean's shoulders slumped again as he finally seemed to relax a little.

“...Were you waiting the whole time, Jean?”

“Basically; the Corporal told me that you were here so I came to check but no one would let me in. Do you have any idea how annoying that was? Plus, I mean, the Commander of the Survey Corps? I practically went nuts thinking about how bad it'd have to be for that guy to show up.”

“You were really worried, huh?” You used what little strength in your fingers you had to give a small squeeze of Jean's hand.

“Of course I was, idiot. I told you I'd wait for you, didn't I?” You broke your gaze away when you saw the worried look return to Jean's face once more.

“Yeah. Sorry I didn't make it.” 

“Don't apologize for something like that. It's good that you're not seriously injured, at least. The Corporal was the one who found you, then? I wanted to help look but they forced me to come back. As if I could get anything done while worrying about you, anyways...” Jean gave a faint smile of relief which only seemed to reignite your guilt.

“I'm sorry, Jean. I tried to make it back but my ankle is a little messed up, too, so it was a slow walk. The Corporal found me when I took a break to rest. Turns out I wasn't too far at the point anyways, actually.” You tried to push the feeling back down by avoiding the subject. The last thing you wanted was to start crying all over again.

“Your ankle, too? Is it bad? You shouldn't have been walking if it was injured, idiot.” You knew that you were running away from the issue but it was okay if it was just today, right? You didn't have the energy to deal with anything anymore. You couldn't handle it if you did something embarrassing like that and ended up hating yourself even more.

“It wasn't so bad at first so I thought it would be okay... but walking on it for so long made it a little worse. It's nothing too serious, though, so don't worry.” You gave a reassuring smile. Who were you trying to fool?

“Of course I'm going to worry even if you say that.” Jean gave a large sigh, “Well... at least I know you're safe now. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to just sit around and wait?”

“I'm sorry, Jean.” You spoke with your face down. 

“Stop apologizing. It can't be helped, right? It's not your fault.” Jean's tone was comforting and you felt as if the weight only got heavier.

“But I have to apologize, Jean. It was my fault.” You spoke despite the fact that you were the one who had wanted to run from the topic in the first place.

“About that... you said you miscalculated? That doesn't seem like the usual you.” Jean leaned forward a little in an attempt to see your face as you stared intently down into your lap.

“Yeah. I was acting like a kid, huh? I'm so weak, Jean.”

“Weak? What's with that? You're trying. It's not like things will just change overnight”

“But I let my pride get in the way. What if I had ended up with something broken, Jean? I would have had to give up on everything just because of the fact that I couldn't catch up to you!” You were very aware of the pitiful tone that your voice came out in. Jean leaned it further and you closed your eyes. 

“Catch up to me?” You realized your mistake when Jean spoke, “Hey, ____... did you end up falling because you wanted to catch up to _me_?”

“No, that's not – well, I mean, yes, I wanted to catch up to you. But that's not the reason I fell. I miscalculated. That was my own fault.” You brought your head back up as you spoke. What good would it do to put the blame on Jean?

“But you said your pride got in the way... Was that because of what I said? Listen, ____-” What was that look he had? It seemed like a mixture between worry and hurt.

“No, seriously, Jean. Don't do that. I said it was my fault, didn't I? Drop it.” Why the hell were you so damn weak? You promised yourself you wouldn't cry and yet that familiar sting behind your eyes wouldn't go away.

You stared at Jean when he didn't respond. What was he thinking? Did he even hear what you were saying? Was he blaming himself?

“Jean, seriously. It's has nothing to do with you.” You tried to reassure him once more.

“...It does, doesn't it? I'm your boyfriend so it does have something to do with me.” Jean met your eyes head on.

“That's not what I-”

“Hey, when do you plan on letting me carry some of that weight we talked about? Stop making that face and just cry already.” You shifted a little when Jean moved himself closer to you but before you could get anywhere you felt his arm wrap itself around you.

“I'm not making any face.” You spoke as your face hit against his chest, his warm arms pulling you in.

“You really don't trust me at all, do you?” You felt the breath of Jean's sigh as it escaped his lips. What kind of expression was he making right now? His hand placed itself on your head so you weren't able to see.

Had you hurt him again?

“That's not it, Jean. It's just... you're so damn far away.” You mumbled into the warmth of Jean's chest even though it felt hard to speak. That suffocating feeling... was it from being pressed up against Jean so tightly or something else?

Deep down you knew that there was no other reason besides your own weakness. Why weren't you able to even keep your own damn promise?

“What are you talking about? I'm right here. I'm always beside you, aren't I?” You found yourself feeling a little upset at the fact that Jean had heard you even though you had been the one to speak the words.

Were you always this childish? You were acting so irrationally that it was annoying. Why the hell was Jean always so nice to someone like you?

_You're too fast, Jean. Why can't I catch up?_ You pushed yourself further into Jean's chest as you felt the warm tears begin to fall for the second time today. 

_I was trying so damn hard._

Jean wrapped his arms tighter, careful to avoid your shoulder in the process as he intertwined his fingers into the strands of your hair.

“It hurts, Jean.”

“Ah, sorry. Is this okay?” Jean loosened his grip from the battered muscles on your back and placed his arm gently around your neck instead.

_That's not what I meant._

You found it hard to say the words out loud so you kept them too yourself as you tried to stop the tears from falling. Why couldn't you do it? Was everything as hopeless for you as this? It sure as hell felt like it.

You reached a hand up in an attempt to wipe the still flowing tears before they had a chance to fall.

_Pathetic._

“____.” Jean spoke as he grabbed your hand suddenly, pulling it from your face. “Didn't I tell you before it was okay to cry sometimes? Believe in me a little, okay?”

You felt the light breath of Jean's words as he placed his lips on your head briefly.

“I'm here so it's fine now, isn't it?” He smiled down at you lightly before pulling you into his chest once more.

“You took too long to get here, Jean.” Even though you knew it was your own damn fault.

“Yeah. But I'm beside you now, aren't I?” Jean's voice was calming. Would you always be forced to rely on him like this? Didn't you have any of your own strength?

_So damn pathetic._

“Jean,” You pulled away from his chest and wiped away at your tears once more, “I have a favour to ask.”

You wanted to catch up to him.

Jean looked surprised for a moment before nodding, “Sure. What is it?”

You didn't want to be so weak anymore.

“Help me.” You spoke, looking up at him with clear eyes, “I want to be stronger, Jean. I don't want to rely on others all the time.”

You didn't want to hate yourself anymore.

“Huh? It's fine since I don't mind. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you could rely on me a little more now and then...”

You wanted to have the strength to accomplish your own dreams.

“I know. I get it, Jean – that's why I'm asking you for a help. Will you train with me?" You tightened your grip on his fingers as much as your muscles would allow, "Think about it for a second, okay? If I'm like this I'll only be a burden. I want to keep the promises I made. To you and to myself.”

In truth it was hard enough to ask for his help so plainly like this at all. He wouldn't think you were weak for something like this, right?

“...I get it. But first you should probably focus on getting all healed up, don't you think?” After a few moments of silence Jean finally answered as he gave a small smile.

But it was okay if it was Jean, right?

“Yeah. I'll be back before you know it.”

“Hey, ____?” You looked up at him as Jean spoke seriously again, “Just for the record, though – you're not a burden. Stop being so damn harsh on yourself, okay?”

Since he was always such a nice guy – even to someone like you.

“...Yeah,” Jean's eye's enforced his words and you hesitated for a moment, “I love you, Jean.”

“I-idiot. Just shut up and go to sleep already.” Jean turned his face away from you abruptly and you couldn't help but smile at the way his cheeks flushed ever so lightly. Somehow you felt like you understood why it was that Jean liked teasing you so much in times like these.

“Yeah. Goodnight, Jean.” You laid yourself down slowly and closed your eyes. The moment your head hit the pillow you could feel sleep begin to take over you as a true testament to how worn out you really were. You could have sworn you could almost feel the way every muscle in your body relaxed.

“Mhm. Goodnight, ____.” You felt the faint brush of lips against yours as Jean's voice spoke in the back corridors of your mind.

Was it okay to let your mind rest for a while? You'd pick up on all your worries when you woke up but for now, sleep was calling.

“I love you too, ____. I'm sorry for leaving you behind.”


	24. Chapter 9.2

You woke up hours later as your headache returned. You blinked a few times, letting your eyes adjust before slowly sitting up. Was Hanji still around? You could feel the pain in your body returning but at least your legs weren't in horrible condition so it'd be okay if you went a grabbed a glass of water, right? Since it wasn't too far.

Upon managing to pull your body up, though, you noticed something that shouldn't have been there.

“Jean,” You spoke, reaching your good hand over to shake the boy's shoulder, “Jean!”

“Shut up.” He mumbled almost inaudibly, swatting your hand away. The way his eyebrows furrowed just a bit even when he was asleep was probably the highlight of your day.

“Jean, seriously. If you're tired go sleep in your own damn bed.” You shook him again. He had brought a chair over and apparently fallen asleep, the upper half of his body resting on your bed. More than him being in the way though, you were sure that his back would probably give him trouble if he stayed like in that position for too long. How long had he been like that, anyways?

“I'm... awake.” Jean spoke but made no move to get up. Was he talking in sleep?

“Jean!” You spoke a little louder, finally grabbing his attention. His eyes opened slowly, looking somewhat confused and dazed before pulling himself off of your bed.

“Did I... fall asleep? Ah, shit, my back hurts.” Jean complained as if he wasn't the one at fault as he stretched himself out.

“Of course it's going to hurt if you fall asleep in a position like that. How long have you been here?” Your tone was scolding but you had to admit deep down that being able to see Jean in that half-awake state was somewhat enjoyable.

“Since... after dinner.” Jean rubbed at his eyes. Was he really that tired? 

“Go sleep in your own bed, Jean.” You spoke as you made move to get yourself up. Before you even finished turning your body, though, Jean had grabbed you by the shoulders and forced you back down.

“Ah, fuck! Jean! That fucking hurt!” You couldn't help but yell out at the sudden pressure of his attack, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Shit, sorry, I completely forgot for a second. Is it bad? Should I go get Hanji?” Jean looked apologetic as you glared up at him.

“...It's fine.” You gave a sigh, “Be more careful, idiot.”

“Seriously, I didn't mean to. But you were told to rest, right? That means you can't just get up like that. I knew you'd do something stupid if I didn't stick around.” Jean spoke as if he was completely in the right. Had he really sat around here this whole time because of something silly like that?

“I'm not a child, Jean. You don't have to take care of me.” You continued glaring at him but Jean only chuckled a little in response.

“Yeah, I know. I'll get you some ice. Don't you dare move an inch, ____.” You watched from the corner of your eyes as he moved quickly across the room, shuffling through the items on the counter.

_Does he even know where the ice is? What the hell is he doing?_

“Could you bring me some water first, Jean?” Your head was throbbing and your throat felt dry.

“Sure. I brought you some food earlier in case you were hungry but it looks like it's gotten too cold for you to eat. I'll go sneak out something warm for you, okay?” Jean's voice got closer as he brought the requested water to your side. Raising yourself up to sit once more, you gladly downed the liquid almost immediately upon receiving it from his grasp.

“I guess it'd probably be best if I ate something, huh? My head hurts, Jean.” You lowered yourself back down, holding a hand over your forehead.

“Ah, right! Hanji said you'd probably need more medication when you woke up. I'll go get her so wait here, okay?” Jean pushed your hand away suddenly, probably checking your temperature before turning to leave.

“Do I have another fever?” You asked as Jean made towards the desk once more instead of the door.

“Yeah. Hanji said earlier that it's because your body is overworking right now trying to heal itself but I'm worried it might have gotten worse. I'll grab her in a second so sit tight.” You heard the sound of water for a moment and turned to see Jean making his way back towards you with a cloth in hand.

“I guess that explains the headache.” You let out a sigh as you felt him lay the cold fabric across your forehead.

“Better?” Jean made his way once more across the room.

“Mm.” You weren't sure if Jean heard your reply so you peaked towards him from the corner of your eyes once more.

“Hey, ____?” Jean called out from across the room, holding a roll of bandage in his hand. “Do you want to change your bandages, too? Hanji said it'd be best to check things over when you woke up.”

“Then go get her. I'm not taking my clothes off for you that quickly, Jean.” You intentionally teased him as revenge for your shoulder.

“Idiot. And you call me a pervert?” You found yourself wishing that Jean wasn't so far away so that you could see the light colour that you were sure would grace his cheeks. “I'll be right back with her, okay? I'll kill you if you try to get up again!”

“Yeah, fine.” You heard the door open and close as Jean finally exited the room, leaving you in silence.

_Are you really so worried about me, Jean?_ You gave a sigh as you remembered the way he had fallen asleep. He had to have been pretty tired himself, right? You were sure that spending a good portion of the day worrying about you probably made him feel more worn out than you could imagine.

And yet there he was, by your side. Was it just because he was still worried about you? Did he stay just to make sure you wouldn't wander off? It's not like he would have been any help if you hadn't woken him up, though.

A part of you wanted to be angry and yet you couldn't help the small smile on your lips at the realization. Who was he trying to give reassurance to? Himself or you?

Perhaps it was both.

Despite all your scolding there was no way you could deny the fact that you felt a little happy at the sight of him still right beside you upon waking up.

_Thank you for staying by my side, Jean._


	25. Chapter 9.3

Sitting impatiently in the chair before Hanji, you shook your leg vigorously as you waited for her to finish filing all of the necessary paperwork for your release. The week had dragged on for what felt like much too long and now you were finally here. Ready to get back to a, somewhat, regular military life.

Glancing briefly in your direction with a knowing smile, Hanji finally placed her pen down. "There we go. All done."

"Really? Then I'm free to go?" You accepted the paper she held towards you, rising quickly to your feet with a smile.

"That's right," As your smile grew ever so slightly, you gave a salute to your superior officer.

"Thank you for everything until now, Squad Leader." You spoke a little more openly than your usual self due to the excitement you had been holding for today.

"Ah, but, ____!" Hanji called out as you turned around to leave, "Because I've spent so much time with you now and learned some things about you, there are things I want to reiterate before you leave."

A little bit cautiously you gave a nod.

"You might be ready for discharge from the infirmary but you're not quite 100% just yet, okay?" Hanji stood up, pointing towards the paper in your hand. "Your back is still covered with bruises so don't try anything too excessive too quickly. I'll also remind you that your shoulder isn't even close to ready yet – although even you should be aware of that much."

"What exactly do you mean when you say "even you", Squad Leader?" You shot a small, only half-serious glare in her direction at the pointed words. After spending the good portion of a week with her, it would appear that she had managed to break through, if only slightly, that impregnable barrier you put up between yourself and the rest of the world.

"I'm sure Jean will explain it for you if you ask him. Get going, _idiot_." And after watching your interactions with Jean for a week, it seems that she had also picked up a habit of teasing you almost as often as the said boyfriend himself.

"Ugh – you'll turn out like Corporal Levi if you keeping talking like that." You grimaced at the thought but couldn't help smile a little when Hanji let out a small laugh. 

With another quick salute, you made your way out of the infirmary's doors and finally free from your prison.

You walked hastily down the halls, trying to hide the undeniable smile that plastered your face behind the sheet of paper you had been given.

"Oi, idiot." You feet froze at the sudden voice and you turned around, already saluting your superior.

"Corporal. Did you need something?" Had you inadvertently cursed yourself when you spoke his name earlier?

"Shouldn't you be in the infirmary? What are you doing walking around?" Keeping his arms crossed the Corporal came to stand in front of you questioningly.

"I was just given permission to leave, sir. I even have the paperwork if you don't believe me." You tried your hardest to sound as polite as possible – you had been much too rude to the superior the last time you two had met. You'd be lucky if he didn't punish you now for all of disrespect you had shown him as he _saved your damn life_.

The Corporal gave a small hum of acknowledgement as he scanned briefly over the paper you held out, "I see. Try not to fuck up like that again - I can't always come and save you after all."

You hoped on your life that he hadn't seen the roll of your eyes when he walked past you as he spoke.

"Just for the record, I'm letting you off the hook for now but keep that up and I'll have you living in stables." You straightened your slumped shoulders when the Corporal came to a stop once more.

"I'm not an animal, sir." You half-mumbled the end of your sentence when you remembered your goal to be pleasant with the man in front of you.

"I guess it would be unfair to stick an annoying brat like you with the horses, huh? Until your injuries heal they're more useful than you are anyways." Ouch. You couldn't deny that he was indeed speaking the truth, though.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a really foul-mouth, sir?" You couldn't hide the twitch of your eyebrows as you replied.

"If you have a problem with it then prove me wrong."

You watched as the Corporal started walking again, leaving you casually behind as if the previous interaction didn't just happen.

But it did. _The Corporal really is a pretty nice guy underneath it all, huh?_

You began walking again, smiling to yourself once more. You would definitely prove him wrong – after all, your special training was only just ready to begin.

_Because I'll keep my promises this time._


	26. Chapter Ten

You creeped quietly through the doors to the mess hall which was already bustling with excitement as the soldiers ate their fill of dinner after their daily activities had come to an end. You were able to spot Jean quickly enough and began making your way through the crowd.

Reiner was the first to take notice of your approach and you quickly placed a finger to your lips, hushing the boy before he had a chance to call your name. It'd be kind of fun to sneak up on Jean, wouldn't it? It seemed Bertholdt had also noticed you but you doubted he would speak up regardless and you were lucky that the loud-mouthed Connie was facing away from you or your fun probably would have been over before it even started.

As you came up behind him you wrapped your good arm around the Jean's neck, leaning almost the entirety of your weight against him as you prolonged his name, “Jeaaaaannn.”

You felt the way he tensed on instinct at first but regained himself quickly and tried to turn his face as much as your grip would let him. You were too comfortable in your position to notice the small blush that arose as he spoke, “Idiot – what are you doing? Don't press yourself against me like that.”

“It's fine isn't it? You're the one always pulling me against you so I thought you'd like it.” You intentionally teased him as he shifted from underneath you, grabbing your arm and dragging you around to the open seat beside him.

“I-diot.” Jean emphasized the word as you more than usual, “What? Did you finally run away from the infirmary or something?”

“Nope, my release was today. I told you didn't I?” You held the paper out once more, knowing he would doubt you without the proof of paperwork.

“Huh? You never mentioned it.” Jean took the paper from you and began reading it over.

“My mistake.” You hummed.

“So are you all better now, _____? I heard your injuries were pretty bad.” Reiner spoke up as the opportunity to eject finally arose.

“Mm, one-hundred percent. They weren't really that bad in the first place, though.” You leaned against the table, much-too-happy with the fact that you were finally able to be walking around as you pleased once more.

“One-hundred percent my fucking ass. According to this paper you still can't even participate it regular training?” Jean glared at you as he handed the paper over into Reiner's extended hand.

“Details aren't important, right? I feel great and that's what matters.” You smiled to reassure the boy that you were only kidding.

“Yeah? Then lift your arm above your head.” Jean continued to glare and you obliged, raising your working arm straight into the air.

“Other one, smart ass.”

“One is fine, isn't it?” Because even you weren't stupid enough to force that arm just yet. “But I can actually move it now, you know? Nothing extensive or anything but at least it's useful again.”

“But you probably shouldn't push yourself too hard, _____. It's good that you feel better but you wouldn't want to overdue it and end up right back where you started, right?” A quieter voice spoke up from down the table and you leaned over, trying to see exactly who it was that was speaking.

As you looked down the table for the first time you noticed it was much more full than you would have expected. Sure, Jean got along with the others much better than you ever had but was there always this many people around him? Sasha sat on the other side of Connie with Christa and Ymir a little down the table. When she smiled at you, you were able to determine that the source of the soft voice had been none other than the so-called angel of the 104th Trainee's corp herself.

“Yeah... thanks.” You answered, not really knowing what to say. 

“Geh. That wasn't sincere at all, was it?” Connie mumbled as he grimaced in your direction before Christa began speaking once more.

“Of course, ____. Take care of yourself, okay?” She smiled as she stood up, apparently finished with her meal and leaving the table behind with Ymir and Sasha quickly following behind her.

“Can she be anymore perfect?” Reiner spoke when the three had made it out of hearing range, bringing everyone's attention back to the table.

“I didn't know she knew my name...” You picked up the paper that Reiner had placed before you once more, folding it up and tucking it away in your pocket.

“Hah? You realize that we've all been together for over three years now, right?” Jean seemed to have finished his meal as well as he leaned his face against his palm, elbow on the table.

“Yeah, but I mean – it's not like I've ever really talked to her or anything. I was a little surprised is all.”

“You're an idiot is all.” Jean pinched your nose as he stood up.

“That hurt, Jean.” You grabbed your nose, looking up at him as he gave a small stretch.

“You're hungry, right? I'll grab a meal for you so just wait there.” You didn't get a chance to reply before Jean was already making his way across the room.

“What a nice guy, huh?” Reiner smiled teasingly.

“The words Jean and nice don't belong in the same sentence unless they're separated by the word isn't.” Connie spoke as he finished off the last of his meal as well.

“You'd be surprised. You should have seen him the first few days I was in the infirmary – it was actually scary how nice he was being.” You joined the conversation despite your previous hesitation, feeling a little more comfortable now that the number of people had decreased.

“I can imagine – actually, _you_ should have seen him when you didn't show up that day. I never thought I'd see Jean act like that no matter what the situation.” Reiner answered casually but your attention peaked. Everyone had been mentioning it but what exactly happened, even? Jean didn't give you any details so you were still curious as to how the scene played out.

“Act like what, exactly?” Hopefully Reiner would be the one to fill you in.

“You don't know? It was a damn sight to see, seriously. I mean, sure – I understand he was worried and all but he looked just about ready to take the Corporal head on when they said he wasn't permitted to look for you. We literally had to drag him back, you know?” Reiner sighed at the memory. Had Jean really caused that big of a scene?

“It couldn't have been too bad, right? Please tell me it wasn't that bad.”

“I didn't know it was possible to switch back and forth between worry and anger so quickly. The Corporal looked just about ready to put him in his place, too. They argued for a solid ten minutes before they ordered us to take him back.” You couldn't help but blush ever so lightly at the explanation. You would have been better off not hearing, wouldn't you? Sure, you were dating and all... and sure, you knew that Jean cared for you – but was he always so upfront with his emotions?

“He bitched the entire way back, too.” Connie added. 

Yeah, he was. That was definitely Jean Kirschtein for you.

“I can't imagine he was happy when the Corporal was the one that found me in the end, huh?” You could only imagine those two horrible personalities butting heads.

“Are you kidding? He ran out of here the second the Corporal finished his sentence. Left his meal practically untouched without hesitation.” Reiner answered.

“I'd say he was happy that you had been found regardless of the other circumstances.” Bertholdt finally spoke up just as you had almost forgotten about his presence.

“That's... kind of embarrassing to hear, honestly.” You hoped that the heat in your face wasn't visible.

“What's embarrassing?” Jean's voice came from behind you before anyone had the chance to reply as he approached the table once more. He placed a tray of food before you and took his spot once more, “Hurry up and eat so we can leave.”

“And go where, Jean? Stop being so gross together in public.” Connie commented from the other side of Jean as he stood up, speaking again before Jean had a chance to reply, “I still have chores. What about you guys?”

“We took care of them before eating so you're on your own.” Reiner answered as Connie sighed, slumping his shoulders slightly as he left the table.

“Is he an idiot? I'm for sure going to pick him to spar with tomorrow.” Jean's eyebrows furrowed together.

“Is that a question? He's definitely an idiot.” You answered as you began you meal. Maybe it was your nerves or excitement but you had had trouble getting the food down at lunch, where as to now everything tasted amazing on your tongue.

“I see you guy's are completely in sync – how cute.” Reiner teased once more as he stood up as well, stretching out as Bertholdt followed his lead.

“I change my mind – you're going to be my partner, Reiner.” Jean glared as the two boy's grabbed their trays, turning to leave as Reiner chuckled at Jean's response.

“You're on, Jean. I'll try to be gentle so that you won't replace ____'s spot in the infirmary.”

“I'd like to see you try it. I'll destroy you if you don't give it your all, Reiner.” The well-built boy waved a hand in acknowledgement as the two walked away, leaving Jean and you alone at the once almost full table.

“If your going to partner with Reiner than who's going to spar with me?” You spoke as Jean gave a sigh.

“Huh? You're not even allowed to participate, idiot.” Jean shifted, leaning his against his fist as he turned to his side to face you.

“Don't forget you promised to help me train, though. We're starting today.” You weren't sure if you came off as serious as you chewed off a bit of your cooked potato.

“Did you even read that paper? It's not just your shoulder but your back isn't up for anything close to training. I'll kill you if you even try.” Jean's eyebrows furrowed once more and his tone was scolding.

“But I finally got out of there – not even a little?” You knew you sounding like a child whining but it was a little bit endearing to see Jean get so angry for your sake and so you continued.

“Depends on how fast you want to die I guess.” Jean flicked your forehead harder than you had expected causing you to flinch backwards a little.

“You're not as nice today as you were when I was in the infirmary. You don't want to comfort me anymore or something?” You jokingly pouted as you teased Jean a little more than usual. Perhaps it was because finally getting out of the infirmary had put you in such a good mood or something but you felt a little livelier than your usual self.

“You don't exactly look like you need comforting. Although if you just want to be close to me like before I'll be happy to spend the night in your room today.” Jean's glare receded as he regained his usual annoyingly-obvious grin. Apparently you pressed on the right – or probably wrong – button.

“Y-You're an idiot.” You couldn't help but be a bit angry at how easily he always turned the situation around to his favor.

“You started it. What, you don't wanna play anymore?” Jean leaned forward a little as you turned back towards your tray, focusing your attention on the meal in front of you instead of that almost seductively-teasing smile.

“You're too close, Jean. I'm trying to eat.” You tried to dismiss the previous conversation. But since it was Jean there was no way it'd be so easy, right?

“Weren't you the one pressing yourself against me earlier? There's still space between us so shouldn't you be saying 'Come closer, Jean' instead?” Jean leaned in closer and you shifted further away, refusing to acknowledge the heat in your cheeks as you quickly ate the meal in front of you.

“Don't run away, _____. It's been a week since you've been in the infirmary so you should be excited you finally get to sleep in the same bed as me again, right? Wasn't it hard to sleep without me?” Jean coiled a finger into one of your belt loops to keep you from shuffling away as he half-whispered the words.

“Hardly. Are you forgetting the medication? I've been sleeping like a damn log. I'd be fine even if you didn't come for a while actually.”

“Isn't saying that the same as admitting you need me there when your not on medication? Well, it's not ideal but at least you're being a little more honest.” Jean's grin didn't fade even as you tried to brush off his taunts.

“Idiot – stop sitting so close.” You leaned your face away from his as you grabbed the glass of water Jean had brought you along with your meal. The faster you finished everything in front of you, the faster you could escape this incredibly unpleasant situation.

Unpleasant, yes – and yet there was a part of you that didn't hate it. Although you'd probably never admit that fact under any circumstances for as long as you lived.

“Oh, are you done already? What's the hurry?” Jean followed as you stood up, grabbing your tray and walking quickly towards the other side of the room. Jean leisurely strolled behind, smirk plastered on his face at his success. Pouting a little at your loss, you didn't say anything as you made towards the large doors you had entered from once more.

And of course – just as expected, Jean came with you. Not that you were really complaining or hoping for otherwise, though.

“What, you're ignoring me now? That's not very nice, ____.” Jean intentionally dragged out your name in mockery of your earlier actions as he walked beside you through the halls towards your room.

“Not really. I'm just excited to finally sleep in my own bed again after so long.” Coming up to your door you still refused to turn your head to face him even though you could clearly seem him peering towards you.

“Only because you finally get to spend the night with me again, right?”

“Keep dreaming.” You dismissed his words but you didn't bother shutting the room door behind you as you entered, either.

“Be more honest with yourself, _____. Didn't you promise you wouldn't run away or something like that? You're happy and you know it.” Taking your indirect invitation Jean closed the door behind him as you took a seat on the bed, pulling your boots off and placing them beside the bed.

“Didn't you promise to help me train? I'll say whatever you want me to if you start today.” You tried to glare at the boy but he didn't seem to notice as he stripped free from his jacket and harnesses, tossing them casually onto the chair at your desk. When did he get so comfortable treating your room like his own?

“You don't know when to give up, do you? It might have been better if Hanji kept you for another week.” 

“Not funny.” You crawled underneath the blankets as Jean made his way towards the bed.

“Fine, I get it. But you still need rest so calm down a little will you? Nothing big. How about we start with your legs?” He let out a sigh, giving into your demands a little as he stripped his boots and placed them off to the side of the bed beside your own.

“Tomorrow?” You shifted to the side a little as Jean crawled underneath the covers beside you. There was definitely something wrong with this situation, right? A part of you still worried that there was probably something inherently bad about getting so comfortable with this whole arrangement.

“You're really not going to stop, huh? Fine. Your endurance is fine but you should work on speed.” It didn't seem like Jean shared your worries, though, as he laid onto his back.

“...Okay. Tomorrow, then.” You nodded and fell back as well, deciding to ignore your worries for another night.

“Are you happy now? You'd seriously wreck yourself if you didn't have me around to keep you in check.” You could see his small smile as he turned to his side, not hesitating in the slightest to snake his arm around you waist and shift closer. Was he being cautious of your injuries still? Usually he would have just pulled you against him without bothering to pay attention to his force.

“Yeah. Let's go to sleep early today, okay? So you can't make any excuses tomorrow.” Maybe it was because you hadn't spent the night with the boy for a week so your tolerance had worn off or perhaps it was the horrible thoughts he had placed in your mind earlier, but you definitely felt your heart speed up a little when his lips brushed against the nape of your neck.

“Mm. Goodnight, ____.” 

“Goodnight, Jean.”


	27. Chapter 10.2

_My mind was racing and my heart felt as if it had come to a stop. My breath was held and my palms were sweating as I reached out, turning the handle and finally pushing the door open. This was the real beginning._

Leaving off at the end of the chapter, you gave a sigh as you leaned your head back. It was getting close to mid afternoon and things were quiet. The rest of your fellow soldiers were outside; running laps or sparring or something else just as exciting you were sure. And you were stuck inside.

After a week in the infirmary you were itching to get back to training as usual – not sit inside all day by yourself. It was driving you insane.

Forcing yourself to stand, you began pacing the room for about the one hundredth time that day. You just wanted to _move_.

You had forced yourself to sit a read, hoping to ease your mind but it had done little to distract you. In fact, it might have made your anxiousness worse.

You were fed up and headed towards the door. _I'll talk to Hanji._

Hopefully you could convince her to shorten the length of your recovery limitations so that you'd be able to participate in some sort of training at least. Your legs were good enough now, right? Maybe she'd at least let you join the runs or something if nothing else.

“Squad leader.” You knocked on the door to her office, announcing your presence.

“____? Come in.” You heard her speak from the other side of the door. Pushing the wood open and entering, your footsteps stopped there when you noticed the Lance Corporal in the office as well.

“Ah, sorry... Am I interrupting?” There were papers sprawled out over the desk so you were worried they might have been pretty busy – although the Corporal looked relaxed as ever as he leaned against the desk with his usual scowl.

“No, I was just about to make some tea anyways. Was there something you needed?” Hanji lifted herself from her seat, moving across the room and motioning for you to take a seat.

“Ah, well... No, it wasn't important. I'll come back later...” You had been eager a few seconds ago but the idea of pleading your case in front of the Corporal was more off putting than one might think. You found yourself feeling a little embarrassed, honestly.

“It's fine, ____! You already came all the way over here so stick around. I've already started making your share of the tea as well so you have to drink it before you leave, anyways.” Hanji smiled at you, leaving no good excuses to leave. Trying not to show how awkward you felt you nodded politely and took a seat by her desk.

“Corporal.” You greeted the man as he stood silently a few feet away from you.

“For someone who should be recovering, aren't you walking around a lot? If you're fine already you should be out there with the rest of them.” You weren't sure if you should glare or smile at the man's words considering his condescending tone as he seemed to read you mind and bring up just the topic you had planned to speak about.

“She's not an invalid, Levi. Walking is fine but try getting her to fly around and she'll be right back in the infirmary.” Hanji's tone was the same as usual as she spoke up before you had the chance.

“How about running, then?” You thought you might actually be pretty lucky that the topic was brought up for you so you took the chance to interject.

“Huh? Don't tell me that's what you came in here for?” Hanji made a face halfway between disbelief and worry.

“Ah, well... it's kind of boring just sitting around, you know? I was hoping you could change some stuff around so that I'd at least be able to participate in the runs or something. My legs are fine, right?”

“You seriously don't give up, do you? Just rest for a while, ____!” Hanji exclaimed as she brought over a tray with three cups and set it down on the desk before you.

“I have been resting, though. I spent an entire week doing nothing! I'm not saying you have to let me do everything right away but I can at least run, right?” You tried to make your points as Hanji took her seat once more, grabbing a cup of tea for herself. Letting Levi take his pick before you, you grabbed the last cup for yourself.

“Are you forgetting about your back? If you overexert yourself those bruises aren't going to heal any faster.” Hanji sounded as if she was scolding you like she would a child.

“But they feel fine. I mean, it's not like a few bruises are anything new now anyways – Shadis had us work through worse than these I'd say.”

“You were complaining about how much they hurt when I touched them the day before I released you, ____. Besides, have you looked at them in a mirror? Even you should be able to tell they're not exactly your everyday bruises with one look. Don't be so stubborn and just give it a few more days.” You knew that Hanji was probably right and that you should give up already but something inside of you made you press on further.

“Then I won't try too hard but can't you at least let me do something? I'm seriously going to go fucking nuts sitting around inside all day.” 

“The problem with that is I don't think you know your limits, ____. If you knew how to hold back I could probably do something but you're the type to take things overboard so I can't let you put yourself into that position.” Hanji's face tightened as she gave you her answer straight, making you feel a little more angry than she probably intended.

“With all due respect, I think I can handle myself. I'm not a child and I know how to be careful.” You sent a glare her way that probably contradicted your words, though. The fact that you wouldn't give up was probably the biggest testament to your childish behaviour throughout this whole ordeal.

“Just trust me, ____. If you really can't stand it, I'll let you join in on the runs starting next week but your back isn't going to heal if you run around day and night.” Hanji sighed as she gave in just a little, placing her cup down.

“...Day and night?” You questioned. Was that just a choice of words?

“Am I wrong? Jean came in here this morning to ask if you were okay to do runs and some muscle training for your legs. He said something about helping you train? I told him that as long as he was there to make sure you weren't over pacing yourself I could make the exception but I can't authorize both regular training and your little extra project at the same time.”

“He's not my fucking babysitter. Am I seriously that unreliable?” Jean hadn't mentioned anything to you about coming in here so Hanji's words caught you off guard. Rationally, you knew it wasn't a big deal – he was just looking out for you and it's not like he had done anything wrong. But it stung. Maybe it was because of all that had happened lately but somehow you felt the blow to your pride as if you had been physically hit in the stomach.

“You're complaining like a child so maybe you need a babysitter? You're too fucking loud.” Levi spoke up finally, apparently becoming irritated with the situation. He glared at you as he placed his cup back onto the table, standing up straight.

“...I wasn't asking your opinion, sir.” You tried to prevent the millions of snarky remarks that popped into your head from escaping your lips.

“____! You understand where I'm coming from, don't you? I'm sorry but your body just isn't ready – even if your head is.” Hanji cut in before Levi had the chance to respond, standing up and making her way around the table. You were thankful she had, honestly, because the glare Levi was giving you was a deadly one.

“...Yeah. It's just annoying when you put it like that.” You sighed, giving up a little in the face of the two superiors before you.

“That's just because you're ta-” Hanji started but Levi decided to cut her off.

“That's because you're egotistical brat.” You had stayed seated so Levi's presence was a little more overwhelming than usual as he stared down at you.

“You're fantastic, Corporal. I bet working underneath you is just a pleasure.” And yet you still had be the usual dumbass that had always been. The Corporal obviously didn't buy that smile you used to deliver your sarcasm as he glared openly at you. He probably wouldn't have had any reservations about hitting you straight in the jaw today, would he? You should really shut your damn mouth already.

“You'll never find out with the level of skills you're at. Where do you get that attitude from when you can't even back any of it up?” A horribly mocking smile painted the Corporal's face for just a second as he spoke down to you. “Finish that paperwork by this evening, Hanji.”

After a nod from the other, Levi turned and made his way out of the room without waiting for any further remarks from you. Not that you would have had a response, anyways. The Corporal had a horrible habit of pointing out the truth, didn't he? You had just sat there quietly until the door shut behind him, unable to come up with any sort of defence to his claims.

“I'll seriously never get along with that man.” You let out a sigh, sipping down the tea Hanji had provided for a small distraction from your irritation.

“It doesn't seem like you're trying to hard on that end, ____. Though, seeing you guys glare at each other like that is pretty hilarious for me so I won't complain.” Hanji let out a small laugh as she walked back around the table, taking her seat once more.

“He has such a damn mouth on him – it's annoying.”

“You're probably the last person who has the right to complain about his mouth, ____.”

“You could take my side a little, Squad Leader.” You sighed with annoyance although couldn't deny her words. You leaned back in your chair, relaxing a little now that the Corporal was gone. “This sucks.”

“You'd probably be even more mad if I babied you like that, though.” Hanji smiled back at you as she began to sort some of the papers on her desk, “I'm guessing Jean didn't tell you that he was going to talk to me beforehand?”

“...Yeah. I understand it in my head but somehow I'm still annoyed.” You spoke freely considering it didn't seem like you were fooling Hanji with your act anyways.

“You can't deny that Levi was right about your ego. Although I guess that's one of your charms, too.” You sighed once more in the face of her innocent smile. You weren't sure if Hanji was trying to comfort you or piss you off with that comment.

“You're not helping.”

“It's fine, isn't it? He cares about you. Most people would be happy.” Hanji stopped fumbling around with the papers as she stretched out her arms, meeting your disappointed gaze with a more serious one, “It'd be bad if you guys had gone ahead without permission so I'm grateful at least one of you seems to have common sense.”

“Yeah, I get it... Thanks for the time, Squad Leader. I'll head back now.” You stood up, saluting her once before turning around in defeat.

“Feel free to come by if you're bored, ____.” You waved a hand in acknowledgement without turning around as you left the room, shutting the door quietly behind you.

Sighing loudly to yourself, you made your way back to your new confines of your own bedroom.

But now that you thought about it, hadn't Jean been babying you a little too much lately? You kept trying to pass off his change in attitude as something that came along with the change in your relationship but wasn't he just being... _too_ nice? 

Was he trying to look out for you? Being cautious of your feelings? The thought of him babying you like that pissed you off.

Did he really think you needed to be looked after like that? He really was just treating you like a child in the end, huh? Or was it pity instead?

He had promised you that wasn't the case and yet somehow his change in attitude made it feel as if he was looking down on you in some way. Like you were some fragile kid that needed to be protected by him. As if he needed to look out for you because you were weaker than him.

Was it because you gave in and told him about your weakness? When did it start, exactly?

Was it because of everything with Marco? Maybe he had approached you with those same feelings.

Your door slammed closed against the frame harder than you had expected, snapping you out of your thoughts briefly.

You sighed again, _I'm over-reacting, right?_

It was annoying the way your emotions took control of your thought process so easily. Even though you knew rationally that you were just being your usual over-paranoid and un-trusting self, you still felt the pain at the possibility that it was possible Jean saw you in that way.

You wanted to be his equal. That's what friends were, right? That's what a relationship was, right? You wanted to stand on the same ground as he did and see the same sight he saw.

Maybe the reason it hurts so much is because you already know you were standing below him in the first place.

_The truth sure is a fucking bitch, huh?_


	28. Chapter 10.3

_Concern. Not pity. Concern._

You tried to drill the thoughts into your head as you ran, glancing over at Jean on the other side of your course. What was he doing, anyways? It looked like he was messing around with something over by the grass but you couldn't make out what it was.

_Fuck. It hurts._

Your pace had slowed from your previous laps as your bruises began to ache. Why couldn't you just be a good girl and listen to others?

_It hurts. I want to stop. It hurts._

You kept on running despite your body's protests, though. You had to at least get through this much, right? Jean had gone to the trouble of setting a course for you and even joined you for the first lap. It'd be pathetic if you quit before seeing it through.

I bet he thinks this much is easy, right? You were caught between the rational and emotional sides of your brain once more. Why did you always have to give into your ego like that? The fact that you couldn't get away from this cycle made it even worse each time.

_Concern. Not pity. Jean's a nice guy – Concern. Not fucking pity._

Oh but how it felt like pity to your wounded pride. It was getting harder to find the line between the two, honestly. Your ego might even be worse than Jean's.

_It hurts._ Every jolt of pain felt like a reminder of your mistakes. And a reminder of your ability.

No matter how much you ran, you still couldn't escape the thoughts that ate away at you.

Thinking about it now, had you always been this bad? Sure, you'd always been a little hot headed and all but somehow you felt it had gotten worse lately. When did it start?

Sighing mentally, you knew the answer.

Ever since you realized your feelings for Jean, you had this pain in your gut. You wanted to be his equal and yet you always found yourself falling behind. You wanted to prove yourself – to Jean and to yourself. You didn't want him to see you as someone who needed to be protected – you wanted to protect him, too.

After all, you owed him more favours than you could count at this point. He probably didn't see it but you knew he had come to your rescue more than he realized. How many times had he saved you from yourself, let alone all the other demons?

You wanted him to be able to rely on you the same way you had come to rely on him. You wanted to fly just as high as he did and be able to run beside him.

Your hopes and expectations never seemed to bear fruit into reality, though. And it hurt.

You weren't sure where to direct your anger anymore. You already hated yourself more than anyone else, what more could you do?

“Are you tired already? It's barely been half an hour since we started, you know?” Jean spoke as you approached the area he stood. You slowed to a stop, panting as you tried to give your muscles a small break without showing the signs of pain.

“Shut up. It's because I've been sitting around doing nothing for a week.” You spoke through breaths, accepting the water Jean held towards you thankfully.

“Isn't it because of your injuries? Stop making excuses.” Maybe you were wrong about Jean being extra careful around you lately as he shoved your excuses back in your face almost immediately.

Glaring back at him, you stood up straight and tried to regain your breath to a normal pace. _Why does he always have to be right?_

“Want to call it a night? I guess it might not be a bad idea to start small if you're really not up to it.” Jean spoke up when you didn't reply, unable to dispute his claims.

“I'll be fine. How many laps to go?” You weren't ready to give up so quickly, though.

“Three. I figured with the way you were talking you'd be able to do this much easily but I think it'd be best to stop once your done this round.” Jean looked over at the various supplies he had brought out while you were in the middle of running.

“What are those for?” It just looked like a mess of junk to you.

“Obstacles. I thought if you were up to it after this round, I would set them up like a make-shift obstacle course but I guess we'll save it for tomorrow. You probably shouldn't be jumping around too much yet anyways.” He sighed, “And maybe I'll go ask one of the squad leaders in the morning if we can borrow actual equipment instead – It'd be hard to figure out something to use in the place of weights otherwise.”

“Today is fine.” You purposefully ignored his last sentence in hopes of avoiding the subject of his talk with Hanji earlier, knowing it would probably lead to a fight. No matter how much you wanted to yell at him at him and take out your anger, you needed Jean to help you train. The better mood he was in, the more likely he would be to give in.

“As if, idiot. We're stopping after you finish the last three laps.” Although it didn't seem as if he was ready to give in easily either.

“I'm telling you I can keep going so it's fine,” You had regained your breath so hopefully you were a little more convincing now.

“If you push yourself like that your injuries aren't going to heal any faster, you know? Don't you have to go for an examination at the end of the week?” 

“Where did you hear that?” You were sure that you hadn't mentioned it.

“Hanji mentioned it this morning. I bumped into her before training.” Jean answered calmly but his eyes flickered away from your for just a fraction of a second.

“Liar. You went to see her to ask permission to train with me, didn't you?” Weren't you the one who wanted to avoid the subject?

After a moment of silence, Jean sighed. “Yeah. Did she tell you already?”

“I'm not a child, Jean. Wanna stop treating me like some brat you need to take care of?” And weren't you also the one who didn't want to start a fight? Somehow knowing you were being lied to threw that reasoning out the window, even if you understood the reasons for it all too well. 

“Who the hell said anything like that? I was getting permission so that we wouldn't get in trouble for screwing around outside.” Jean looked annoyed at your sudden accusations.

Deep down, you knew Jean wasn't in the wrong. Maybe it was the adrenaline or maybe your emotions were taking control again but even though you understood, you found yourself unable to calm down.

“Of course. You're such a good little boy, aren't you Jean? Always being so fucking considerate and following the rules.” You shot an undeserving glare in the boys direction with your words, not letting him reply before going to begin your next lap.

“Huh? Idiot-” Jean grabbed a hold of your arm before you could escape, though, forcefully pulling you backwards. Tumbling on your feet, your body crashed into his and you could just hardly suppress the pain at the collision. “You're not running away that easily. Don't just say whatever you want and think you can escape.”

“I was trying to finish my laps.” Were you always such a shitty liar?

“How about you actually talk about your emotions instead of hiding all the time?” You felt Jean sigh loudly beside your ear, “Why the hell are you angry, anyways?”

“Fuck off, Jean. I'm not having a heart-to-heart emotion-fest with you.” You tried to pull your arm from his grasp but Jean didn't plan on letting go anytime soon.

“Seriously? You keep harping about how you're not a kid but you're acting like a damn child.” Reaching his other arm around, Jean forcefully turned your body to face his. Despite the anger clearly written on Jean's face, his eyes showed concern. 

Or is it pity? You wished you had the ability to tell the difference.

“Don't look away and think I'll just disappear if you ignore me, ____.” Jean spoke once more when you were silent. “Didn't you say you wanted to face your problems?”

“Shut up, Jean. I don't have anything to say, is all.” You weren't sure who you were more annoyed with at this point. Why did you have to let your emotions get the best of you all the time? Why did Jean always have to be right? Why was he even putting up with you when were acting like such an baby? 

“You had plenty to say a minute ago. C'mon, spit it out. What's your problem?” And did he always have to push so hard? Couldn't he just let you win sometimes?

_I'm contradicting myself again..._ You hated being looked down upon and yet you felt as if you could have used some pity right about now.

“Can you not start a fight? Just let me go.” You tried to escape one last time.

“However you look at it, you clearly started this fight.” And did have to point out every little thing? Of course you started this fight – perfect little Jean would never do something so irrational.

“And now I'm ending it. Let me go already.” Why couldn't you just apologize properly?

“Fine – it's done. Now let's have a conversation like two adults instead. Talk.” And did he always have to be the better person? It only made you feel even more inferior.

“You're really fucking persistent, huh?”

“You're really fucking evasive, huh?” You could see Jean losing patience as he snapped back at you.

“I keep telling you it's nothing. My bad, okay? I was being an asshole for no reason.” You tried to end the conversation again. There's no way you could admit that you had been worrying about the same shit all over again, could you? Or talk about all the stupid things that kept running through your head. How pathetic would that be?

“You're a shit liar. You look like you're about to cry any second, you know?” Jean didn't seem to buy it, though. Of course not – why would someone like you be able to fool someone like him, anyways?

“Who's going to cry? Fuck off already.” You tried to pull away again but still failed to loosen Jean's grip.

“Hm, I thought you were ending the fight?” Jean stood up straight and sighed once more, “Is it something you can't tell me about?”

“... It's nothing. I'm just being an idiot, is all. There's nothing to tell you.” You especially hated it when he spoke to you so kindly like that. Why couldn't he just punch you in the gut and tell you how dumb you were acting? You deserved it.

“Listen, ____.” Jean paused, the look of annoyance returning. “We're not having this argument over again. I'm not letting you go until you talk so how about giving in already?”

You stayed silent. How could you say something like that? He had no idea how much it hurt.

“I swear you're fucking impossible,” Jean rolled his eyes, suddenly pushing you backwards. “If you're just going to run away don't start acting out in the first place.”

You let out a small groan as you hit the grass; you were an idiot for not resting like everyone told you to. Before you had a chance to sit up and figure out the situation, Jean placed himself on top of your hips in a similar fashion to what you had done the other day.

“Huh? Get off me, Jean – that hurts!” You cried out when Jean pinned your arms underneath his knees.

“Then start talking. I'm not going to let you fucking sulk over this for days and days this time.” Sitting up straight, Jean crossed his arms, “It's less annoying this way so I'll just force it out of you.”

“I'm injured, you fuck! At least get off my arms!” You were in too much pain to fight back further.

“Ah, shit – right. Better? My bad, maybe I was a little too rough, huh?” He lifted his knees, allowing your arms to escape. “I didn't mean to hurt you, sorry. Don't cry.”

“Who the fuck is crying? I'm going to murder you, Jean, mark my fucking words.” You threw your non-injured arm over your eyes quickly, rubbing furiously.

“I said I'm sorry, didn't I?” You could tell he was sincere regardless of the fact that he hadn't moved the rest of his body.

“If you're sorry then get the fuck off me, already!” You were too angry to clue into the fact that your yelling would possibly attract attention from inside.

“Can't do that. Look, you're obviously upset.” Jean tried speaking calmly once more, “And for whatever reason you've decided to direct that anger at me. So instead of letting you worry about it all alone and drive yourself into a corner, we're dealing with it. Now.”

“You think forcing me to talk to you is a good solution?” It somehow made it harder to talk after all of that, honestly.

“It's better than you running away again. Come on, face your problems head first. I'm right in front of you so here's your chance.”

“You're assuming that you're the problem, now?” You weren't sure what Jean meant for a moment.

“I can't think of what else it could be. You're mad at me, aren't you? Did I do something?” You really wished it hadn't come to this – Jean was blaming himself for your damn issues and that only made you feel worse.

“You didn't _do_ anything.”

“Then, what? You don't usually get all fired up with no reason.” Pausing for a moment, Jean continued, “I mean, you're not always the most agreeable person but that's quite the personality change.”

“If we're talking about personality changes, what about you?”

“Huh? What about me? Have I changed somehow?” Jean gave you a confused look from his position above you.

“Don't act like you don't realize. The way you treat me – you've obviously been trying to look out for me. Being all considerate of my feelings and shit like that too.” There's no way he hadn't noticed it, right? I mean, he wasn't necessarily mean or anything usually, but the difference in his behaviour was pretty clear at this point. “I don't need you to treat me like some fragile princess, Jean.”

“...A fragile princess, huh? You're way too foul-mouthed to ever pass for any sort of princess, ____.” 

“Funny. I wonder how you'd look with your front teeth missing?”

“A princess would never make a threat like that, either.” Jean let out a small laugh, “But actually, I kind of like that part of you. What makes you think I would want to treat you like a princess? Aren't you just misunderstanding something?”

“There's no way your attitude changed this much just because we're in this whole 'relationship' thing.” You decided to put into words some of the thoughts that had been eating at you, “You normally would've put one right in my gut with all that shit I was giving you earlier, don't you think?”

“Huh? I don't think I was ever a big enough asshole to hit someone with injuries, idiot.” Jean shot back quickly.

“Fine. Then what about the rest? I mean, for fucks sake, Jean – did you see yourself when I was in the hospital? You were so nice it was disgusting.” You were sure that he had to have been doing it consciously then, at least.

“That's pretty rude, idiot. Who wouldn't want to be nice to their injured girlfriend? I'm a pretty good guy on the inside, you know?” Jean paused, looking a little bittersweet. “But... yeah, you're probably right. Thinking back, I think I might have been acting a little different, huh?”

“A little? You were like, Krista-nice.” You tried to emphasize with the comparison. 

“...I guess I ended up making things worse, huh? Yeah, I was trying to be careful around you.” Jean's admission stung regardless of the fact that you had convinced yourself it was true beforehand.

“I've told you a million times how much I hate your pity, Jean.” That mix of anger and sadness had you unsure how to respond for a moment.

“Pity? You're such a fucking idiot, ____. It was just nerves.” Placing a hand at the top of your head, Jean forced your eyes to meet his once more.

“Nerves?”

No response. Jean's hand removed itself from your head as he turned to the side for a moment. It was hard to see clearly what kind of expression he had on his face but you assumed he was thinking something over.

“Jean?” You spoke after a moment of silence.

“...I'll kill you later for making me say something this stupid,” Jean's face began to flush clear enough for you to see, “of course, it's nerves! I mean, we're dating, right? What if I say something dumb and hurt your feelings? I talk out of my ass half the time so I'm bound to say something horrible to you. If you start hating me, what am I supposed to do? And I mean, the whole thing with Marco, too. Do you have any idea how many things I want to ask you? But I can't just fucking bring up your relationship with him.”

Jean's hands ruffled through his hair as he continued without pause, “Besides, I'd probably get even more worried if you honestly answered, too. If you said you still loved him, how the fuck am I supposed to feel? What the hell am I supposed to do in a situation like that? Do you have any idea how much I hate myself for thinking about bullshit like that?”

_Ah, I really am an idiot._

Jean was just as dumb as you. How could you have forgotten something as important as that?

“I mean, of course I'm going to be nervous about it! Can you really blame me for trying to be a little more nice? I mean, I like you and I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to fight about stupid things and make you cry. Have you met me, ____? I'm not the most likable guy on the planet, you know?”

“Hey, Jean...” You spoke when Jean finally took a break, “You really are an idiot, you know that?”

“Hah? Can you-”

“Well, not that I should be saying so. I'm an idiot, too, after all.” You couldn't help but smile a little as Jean looked down at you, seemingly suspicious of your sudden change in demeanor.

While you were sitting around brooding over your own thoughts, you completely missed the fact that Jean had been doing the same thing. You were getting mad at him for acting differently without even considering the reasons behind his behaviour. If only you could have just let go of your pride a little, you might have been able to see a little more clearly. You might have been able to become the person you wanted to be so badly instead of sulking over the fact that you weren't there yet.

It takes a royal idiot to forget the simple things so quickly. If only you had been able to see past your own ego.

“I'm sorry, Jean.” You spoke honestly, “I was too focused on myself to realize. I said I was going to change but I'm still just the same selfish brat, huh? I'm sorry.”

“Huh? What are you apologizing for?” Jean seemed a little lost at the sudden developments.

“Ah – well, I was being pissy earlier, right?” You realized you had yet to explain your side, “I had it down in my head that you were definitely pitying me. I thought you were being extra nice because you were looking down on me or something. I got myself all worked up over the same garbage and it was just a downward spiral. I didn't even consider about what you might have been thinking.”

Jean looked somewhere between angry and sad at the same time, “I'd seriously punch you if you weren't injured. I've told you a million times that it's not like that, haven't I?”

“Yeah – you have. I couldn't see past my pride, though. I'm sorry, Jean.”

“You know... you build your pride up and cling to it in order to prevent yourself from getting hurt, but I think it's having the opposite effect right now.” Jean removed himself from on top of your waist, taking a seat on the grass. Holding out a hand to help you sit up, he continued “I think you'd be alright even if you lowered those dividers of yours a little.”

“Yeah... I understand it in my head but my emotions end up getting the best of me. I guess it's a hard habit to break, huh? I'm sorry.” You couldn't deny his spot on assessment. You were so used to keeping others at a distance that you ended up driving yourself away every time you felt unsure of anything.

“How many times are you going to apologize? It's kind scary when you're this passive.” Jean ruffled through your hair, perhaps trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.

“It sucks, Jean. I promised to change but I'm still the same as I was back then. It feels like I haven't made any progress at all.” Not bothering to push away his hand as usual, you continued that heart-to-heart emotion-fest that you so desperately wanted to avoid earlier.

“Then start now. You're the only one who can change the way you feel. Trust me, I've tried. Apparently my words are pretty worthless there.”

“Yeah. I guess I kind of pushed your effort aside with that one, huh?” You didn't resist when Jean pulled your head inwards, resting against his chest. Why was he always so warm? Somehow it was extremely comforting and you found your eyes begin to burn once more.

“Kind of? We're dating, you know. Most girls would be happy their boyfriend is acting nicer and you turn it into this mess.” You were sure that Jean could feel the way your shoulders were shaking but he didn't comment on it. Instead, he wrapped his other arm around you as you tried to stop the tears from flowing.

“It's rude to talk like it all my fault, Jean.” You sniffled, “You were worrying about stuff all on your own too, weren't you? You could have just said the things on your mind. Didn't you say you'd rely on me, as well?”

“How the hell am I supposed to say stuff like that? I have my own pride too, in case you forgot.” Jean kept your head held against his chest, “Besides, maybe you should keep your own promises before you start lecturing others.”

“Yeah. We're seriously the worst two people to get together, huh? We fight all the time, too.”

“Shut up – you can't back out until the month is over.” Jean voice was only half joking, “or I guess it's just over two weeks now, huh? The expedition is soon.”

“That's why I want to get stronger, Jean. I want to keep my promises this time.” You had stopped crying but didn't bother trying to escape Jean's grasp. It was easier to speak your mind when you didn't have to look him in the eyes, it seemed.

“I get it. But if you push yourself too hard you probably won't even be able to go with us, don't you think? I promised I'd help you so why don't you just trust me a little for once?” 

“Yeah. Sorry for being difficult.”

“Another apology? You're being pretty honest all of a sudden.” You felt Jean's hand ruffle through your hair once more, “It's kind of cute.”

“Jean,” Pushing his hand away, you finally met his eyes once more. “I promise I won't push myself too hard. I'll trust you and work hard enough that I'll be ready in time for the expedition.”

“You can always sit out, you know? I wouldn't have to worry about you that way, either.”

“Don't make shitty jokes, Jean. I'll work hard enough that you won't have to worry about me, anyways.” There was no way you'd let him go out there on his own, either.

“...Yeah.” Jean smile seemed a little sad, “You're strong, after all.”

“Hey, Jean.” You kept your gaze locked on his once more, “I won't force you or anything... but you know you can talk to me too, right? I don't mind if you want to ask about the things on your mind.”

“..Mm. I will.” Jean averted his eyes from yours. Was that just embarrassment? Or something else?

“Listen, I'm no good with this kind of stuff so I probably won't realize unless you say it out loud.” You weren't convinced by his reaction so you forced his eyes back to yours, “Rely on me a little, too, Jean. Trust me.”

Looking back at you, Jean was silent for a moment. “Yeah. I will... but for now, how about we head back inside? It's getting cold and I don't want to sleep in tomorrow, either.”

“Promise?” You stopped Jean before he had a chance to get up.

“Huh?” He looked a little taken back for a moment.

“Promise me you'll rely on me. Promise me you'll tell me what's on your mind.” You put aside your pride for the moment as you spoke, “I'm not like you so I can't tell when you're over-thinking things like you always can. I'm not as nice as you so I don't really know how to make it better, either. But I want to help you too, Jean.”

“...Yeah. I promise. Thanks, ____. Although I'm not as perfect as you're giving me credit for, either.” Jean smile seemed more genuine this time. Standing upright, he reached out a hand to help you up. “I love you, ____.”

“Huh? What's with that all of a sudden?” You blushed a little at the kind look on Jean's face when he spoke.

“I just felt like saying it. Anyways, I have to clean this mess up. Want to help?” Jean took a look at the pile of junk he had created earlier.

“Where did you get it all from, anyways?” You followed Jean's lead as he began sorting through the make-shift equipment.

“Most of it is literally just junk.” Jean waved a few branches to show you, “I'll speak to someone tomorrow so we can get some actual equipment, though. I don't know what we could use for weights in this mess.”

You smiled at the thought of Jean collecting the various random items he could find. “Hey, Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“...Mm. Thanks, ____.”


	29. Chapter Eleven

_"I'm used to dealing with difficult people, you know. It's okay to give in." A smile, comforting and warm as the grip on your hand tightened._

_"That guy you're always with? Jean? Do you have to help him get to sleep too?" A scoff laced with self-pity and embarrassment._

_"I keep him out of fights throughout the day. He's a nice guy, really, but a little rough around the edges- kind of like you, don't you think?" Gentle eyes and a soft smile, breaking down the walls you kept so strong and firm._

_"...I don't know him that well, so I can't say."_

_"I'll introduce you guys properly sometime. I want you two to get along," A voice so comforting as fingers stroked lightly across the skin of your hand. "because you're both important to me."_

_"You know I'm not good with people, Marco."_

_"Yeah, but neither is he. He'll be just as scared of you as you are of him, so you don't have to worry so much." A pause, followed by a soft laugh that rang pleasantly through the quiet room, "Although with a match like you two, you'll probably end up fighting often."_

_"Just great. I can't wait."_

_"I'm sure you'll love him when you get to know him, don't worry."_

Your eyes fluttered open against the light shining in from the window, putting an end to the memories that played out in the form of dreams. Laying still for a few moments, your eyes glanced towards the hand that held loosely onto yours. The person in front of you was not the same as the one who had held your hand in your dream. The warmth they gave you, however, was similar. You sighed.

You remembered the argument from a few nights back and couldn't help but want to beat yourself up a little. This was exactly the kind of thing that was worrying Jean, wasn't it? It wasn't like you had control over it so you weren't necessarily to blame... but somehow you couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Jean had avoided the subject since that night, as well, which only made the problem worse.

What exactly were you supposed to do to reassure him? Could you even reassure him? Squeezing your eyes shut with another sigh, you felt a little helpless.

Glancing over to your side once more, you checked to make sure Jean was still sleeping. Considering he was still participating in regular training, the late nights seem to take more out of him than they did for you. Lately you had been waking up before him almost every day. Shifting your weight carefully, you managed to squeeze past Jean and onto the floor.

You had a reason to be up early today. Hanji had told you to come over before breakfast for another check up. Taking a glance back to make sure he was still asleep, you made your way towards the closet. You grabbed the full set of your uniform, hoping today's examination would go well and you might be able to rejoin training. Although strategy meetings had been taking up more and more time lately, you still wished you could join the others when they went out for a quick run or some sparring. The expedition was coming up very soon, after all. In eleven days, to be precise.

Giving a small yawn, you began to change out of your sleep-wear. Stretching your arms, you tried to assess your shoulder and back. Although Jean had made sure you avoided furthering the damage during your personal training, there was still a pang of discomfort when you tried to lift your arm straight into the air. You gave a grimace as you lowered the arm, reaching for your shirt and slipping the arms through.

No matter what, you had to make sure you were fully healed in just over one week's time. There was no way you would let yourself miss this expedition.

You had even been listening to Jean without complaint, just as you had promised. Infact, it seemed to be going so well that your attitude change was almost making Jean uncomfortable, as he often remarked how weird you seemed when you weren't arguing and fighting back every second. You noticed how he seemed to always be trying to say something lately, as well, but he had yet to get the words out yet. You were pretty sure you knew what it was about, but decided it was best to let him bring it up first. He always avoided the subject if you made the hint.

But the truth was that you probably wanted to put off the subject for a little longer, as well. You had never been good with emotional stuff to begin with, and bringing up Marco now that things were finally starting to get a little better seemed like it'd only cause more stress to the both of you. You really did want to reassure him and talk it out... you just didn't quite know what to say.

Sitting down to adjust the straps along your legs, you gave another glance at the still sleeping Jean on your bed. You wanted to comfort him the way he always did for you, but you didn't know if you had the answers he wanted to hear. You weren't even sure if you understood completely what it was he was worried about, either, although you felt you had probably pieced things together pretty well. You wanted him to lay it all out clearly for you just in case, but you also understood all too well why that was so hard to do on it's own.

Lifting yourself off the ground, you adjusted the straps along your belt and grabbed the jacket you had set down on the chair. Flinging it over your shoulder, you gave one last quick stretch before making your way silently out of the door. There was no use thinking about it over and over again- and you didn't want to be late today, after all. There was no worries or memories that would keep you from getting the infirmary as soon as possible, this morning at least. You could continue thinking of a solution after the meeting with Hanji.

Instead of something, however, someone appeared to delay you instead.

"You're early, brat. Someone who doesn't even participate in regular training shouldn't look so damn happy in the morning." You gave an audible groan at the voice of your favorite superior as he stood outside the door to the infirmary.

"Hello, Lance-Corporal Levi. What a great way to start the morning." Despite your obviously less-than-happy tone, however, you did give the man a proper salute.

"You'll have to wait. Erwin is discussing something with Hanji right now, so you can't go in." The Corporal spoke again, throwing up an arm in your path when you tried to move past him.

"And you're guarding the door? The Lance-Corporal must have a lot of free time." You couldn't help but bark back a little for his comments earlier.

"You really don't have a lot of self-preservation, do you? Go do a few laps outside if you have that much energy." The Corporal seemed disinterested as usual but still replied back. Sometimes it was hard to tell if he was really anti-social or just trying to relieve his boredom.

"I would love to, sir, but I have an appointment with Hanji. Thanks for the suggestion, though- what an honor to get advice from humanity's strongest solider." Your words were dripping with sarcasm to match that so-obviously fake smile plastered on your face.

"For someone who can't even make it through a practice run without injuring them self, I'm sure you're delighted for whatever advice you can get." The corporal didn't even glance your way as he removed himself from the wall, crossing his arms across his chest and turning towards the door. "If you're done, Erwin, hurry up."

"I didn't want to interrupt." Erwin emerged from behind the door, Hanji in toe with her usual smile. "You shouldn't fight with the new recruits, Levi."

"She's hardly a recruit." Levi rolled his eyes as you saluted the commander, "She doesn't even participate in regular training."

"That was due to an injury, correct?" Erwin turned towards you, "I hope you're feeling better now that you've had time to rest."

"Ah- um, yes, thank you." You stuttered out after being so suddenly addressed.

"I'm sure it'd be fun to stick around to play and all, but, unlike you, we actually have work to do." Levi gave a small wave of dismissal in your direction as he walked away, not glancing back to see if Erwin would follow.

"Thanks for coming by, Erwin. And tell Levi I'll come by in the evening, okay?" Hanji gave a smile to the commander, waiting for him to give a sign of acknowledgement before turning away and then finally greeting you, "It's nice to see you, _. Come on in."

"Good morning. Were you busy?" You asked, somewhat curious about what kind of conversations Commanders had with their Squad Leaders.

"Well, the expedition is coming up. We've got to start smoothing things out to make sure it all goes to plan." Hanji pointed you towards the small infirmary bed, following behind you as you tossed the jacket you were still holding onto the pillow.

"I can tell. It's pretty much the same thing every day at this point – the route, the squads, the system – it's literally like they want to hammer it into us." You loosened the straps on your uniform without hesitation, having already gotten used to stripping down so that Hanji could examine your body.

"Once you've run through it a few times, it becomes ingrained into you. For now, however, repetition is the only thing we can do." Hanji waited patiently as you undid the buttons of your shirt, "How much would it suck if someone who could have lived ended up dead because someone forgot which colour flare to send up when they saw an irregular titan headed over?"

"Yeah, I get it. It just seems too repetitive, you know? Every single detail – it's like they want to be an predictable as possible. I guess that's fine, though, considering the enemy doesn't have the mental capacity to predicts our moves anyways." You gave a small sigh as you finished removing your shirt, venting some of your frustrations from not being able to participate in anything except those repetitive lessons.

"Hmm." Hanji gave a small hum that seemed strangely thoughtful, although her smile never wavered. "Lift your arms for me, will you?"

You complied, letting Hanji step behind you to examine your shoulders as you raised your arms slowly. You felt her cold hands on your muscles, feeling the difference between your injured shoulder and the other. She gave a few sounds of acknowledgement, as if having a silent conversation with herself, continuing to examine your shoulder as she pulled the arm in question up and down at her will.

"Does it still hurt?" She finally asked, turning her attention towards your lower back now.

"The shoulder? It's a little uncomfortable still, sure, but nothing I can't deal with if I take it slow." You recalled trying to pull it upwards in your room this morning, and the difference between the pain you felt then compared to now.

"It's a little bit worse than I expected it to be at this point, honestly, but you might be right..." She ran her fingers along your spine, assessing the areas where the bruises had now faded.

"Worse? But I've been resting it just like you said-"

"Calm down, _. It's not a huge difference or anything, so you don't have to worry. You'll still make it in time for the expedition, just..." Hanji trailed off, her fingers removing themselves from your skin.

"What?" You turned to face her once more, desperate to know exactly what she was eluding too.

"Well, I wanted to have you join regular practice again. It's mostly light stuff now but... I'm worried that if I let you get back in there too quickly, you'll end up not letting yourself heal completely," Hanji grabbed the shirt you had placed on the bed, handing it to you as she continued, "Then you wouldn't be able to go on the expedition at all."

You paused, fingers gripping at the fabric as you stared back at your superior. _So basically, there's still a chance I won't be able to go?_

"What if I wait a bit longer? I can rejoin training in a few days, right? Won't that be okay?"

"Huh?" Hanji seemed taken aback, "well, yeah, that'd be fine... I just didn't think you would be willing to sit out any longer."

"It's fine. I can manage for a few more days." You had to go on this expedition, after all.

"Are you sick?" Hanji reached a hand towards your forehead, unable to believe your willingness to compromise. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden?"

"No, just- I'm fine. I mean, I really want to be back in regular training, of course, but the expedition is more important. If you think it's too big of a risk to send me back into regular training today, I'll wait." There was no way you would be able to sit back as you watched Jean and the others ride off outside of the walls without you. Not when you finally had the chance to prove to yourself you could go with them. You were willing to sit through a few more days of boredom if it meant you'd get that opportunity. "If I do that, will I be able to go on the expedition for sure?"

"You have your final examination next week... although I can't imagine any reason it would get worse if you don't participate, no." Hanji answered without her usual pep, unsure of what sparked the sudden change in your behaviour.

"Then I'll wait. I have to go on the expedition." You stated clearly. When Hanji didn't reply, you continued, "I don't want to feel even more useless if I have to stay back, you know? This is my chance to prove to Jean that I'm someone who is able to stay by his side."

Although in honesty, you really might have just wanted to prove it to yourself. You didn't want to slow him down by making him take care of you, either, so you had to do this.

After another moment of silence, Hanji gave a smile. "Yeah, I get it. Why don't you come back in three days time? I'll take another look at it. In the meantime, though, I can authorize participation in upcoming runs if you're still interested. Your legs are back to 100%, and your back can handle some more exercise. Just promise not to push yourself if you feel any discomfort and I'll write the papers up right now, okay?"

"Really?" You lit up at the idea, finally unclenching your fingers. "I promise. Thank you, Squad Leader."

"Also, come by before you go to bed tonight. I'll give you some cold cloth and then wrap it up nicely to help keep everything nice and smooth, okay?" Hanji grabbed the belts that you had tossed aside, passing them to you with a smile so genuine it almost made you feel embarrassed. In that moment, you really did feel as if you had made a friend in the squad leader you had initially been so weary of.

"Okay. I will. Thanks for everything, Hanji."

"Anytime, _. Say hello to Jean for me when you get back."


End file.
